Very Mixed Signals - Or Not?

[Tall Penguin]

I am smitten with a person from work. We talk a fair bit, then recently invited me to go out with some friends and family saying "I want you to be part of my social life".

She drove, first we went to her house, met her dogs, folks extended family, then went out had a great time, I was peppered with a million questions from her family (they seemed to know a lot about me).

I let her know at the end of the night (and throughout the night) that I was enjoying the time. When she apologized at one point I told her I liked talking with her and feel very comfortable when I am with her.

She replied, "...and you're a nice guy".

So... it all seemed to go really well until the "nice guy" part. What do you think?

[Tall Penguin]

I should add, that she has not been in many relationships at all and may not understand the "nice guy" curse of friendship. She may just think I am a nice guy.

[smackie9]

She maybe the type to be friends first and see where it goes from there. So don't be too available as to keep her intrigued and it could work out in your favor in the end.
Ya I know the normal way is to just date and get to know one another that way, some rather do the friends things first. Best to keep your feelings in check or you will get too wishy washy and she will just treat you like her male GF.

[Tall Penguin]

She maybe the type to be friends first and see where it goes from there. So don't be too available as to keep her intrigued and it could work out in your favor in the end.
Ya I know the normal way is to just date and get to know one another that way, some rather do the friends things first. Best to keep your feelings in check or you will get too wishy washy and she will just treat you like her male GF.

First of all, thanks for the response.

Given that she has very little relationship experience you may be right.

I am a bit conflicted, as I have received other advice to make the move and ask her for a date before we drift into friend territory.

I would love to go the friend->gf myself, I just enjoy being with her.

I will take on the wishy washy advice though.

This one is so tricky because she has not dated much before, so I don't know if it is her trying to protect herself due to low self esteem (and figures I am just like the men she has been with before) or if she doesn't dig me as much as I dig her.

The only real clue to me that she is interested is how well researched her family was and how serious they were in their questioning.

[smackie9]

It seems she wants to get her family's approval, see how you interact with them, etc. "Nice guy" may mean that she has never been with one yet so it might be a complement. Don't jump at her yet for a date, and keep the emotional talk on hold like "I'm comfortable around you" (sorry I would find that kind of getting too close, or showing too much emotion). Keep conversation light and upbeat....keep yourself mysterious. Say things like how great her family is and mention someone in particular so it's not something that sounds generic.

Just feel her out a little bit longer before asking her out.

[Tall Penguin]

It seems she wants to get her family's approval, see how you interact with them, etc. "Nice guy" may mean that she has never been with one yet so it might be a complement. Don't jump at her yet for a date, and keep the emotional talk on hold like "I'm comfortable around you" (sorry I would find that kind of getting too close, or showing too much emotion). Keep conversation light and upbeat....keep yourself mysterious. Say things like how great her family is and mention someone in particular so it's not something that sounds generic.

Just feel her out a little bit longer before asking her out.

That is good advice. Light and upbeat. Specific compliment.

So at what point do I make the move? Or wait for her?

EDIT: I know you said to feel her out, and I am good for that. You make a lot of sense, she's a bit scared, so we need to take it slow, and I need to keep my affection for her in check so not to complicate things.

I am, in all manners, a very direct and sincere communicator, so it;s going to be hard to restrain myself.

[smackie9]

Basically get to know her by asking questions about her life, the things she likes ie: food, music, movies etc. and see what things you have in common. By sharing the same passions is a leg up in the attraction dept.

[Tall Penguin]

Well, I just texted her something innocuous and she called back instead of texting and just wanted to talk, so I am going to take that as a good sign

[Tall Penguin]

And now a non-romantic lunch date later today. I'll have to be real disciplined in what I say.

[Tall Penguin]

Oh, and I did the specific compliment thing with her family, it worked a charm (and I really meant it, it's just not something I would have thought of myself)

So any advice for this casual lunch would be appreciated.

[Mattiemae]

The nice guy! Well sorry to say there are lots of nice guys! lol The thing is don't read into it so much. How long have you been really dating her. You can't expect her to be emotionally attached to you right away. Relationships take time to grow and taking things slow is always a good idea. I know you want to find some clue that she likes you. Most likely if she spends time with you she likes you, but may be feeling you out whether it's a safe place to be.

Fortunately you're not the only one with fears. Take your time and learn to get to know her without any strings attached. The better friends you are the better partners you make in the long run. It just depends on what you are seeking. Nice guy doesn't really mean anything, but you are a nice guy. Not good or bad! She may have been just complimenting you. Often we create stories about other people, what they think, and believe about us in our minds. Wait until she tells you more and expresses herself. Never jump to conclusions or assumptions.

[smackie9]

Oh, and I did the specific compliment thing with her family, it worked a charm (and I really meant it, it's just not something I would have thought of myself)

So any advice for this casual lunch would be appreciated.

Hah see it DID work. OK now you need to be wary of your body language. Be as relaxed as possible (lean back in your chair, arm stretched out, no twiddling with anything or nervous tapping, smile and good eye contact. Mirroring is key, please look for this. Always ask her questions, but if you answer anything about yourself keep it short....you want to keep a bit mysterious. Never be too personal, never talk about sad things about death, or a sad childhood...those are downers. And never talk about past relationships or exes. If she brings it up bring make your answers a little humorous and light hearted. Never share bad feelings about ex GFs.

[Mattiemae]

Too Funny! Love Smackie going play bye play! Just get some ear buds and have him on the line walking you through the date! lol

[smackie9]

Hey at least he is getting this info for free.....there are people that pay $$$ for a dating coach. He is tappin into gold.

[Mattiemae]

Yay, I know Ha Ha! was just thinking it was nice! But funny! lol