Fixable?

[alr85]

Rewind to a year and a half ago. I met a really great man when I went out with a friend who was in town. I am a teacher and am in the process of adopting my foster daughter who I have had since birth. Before I met him, we were happy and I felt really great about myself. (She just turned 3) Me and this guy hit it off really fast and things were really intense. He was great to my child, great to me and was always going out of his way to show us that he loved us both. This made me feel comfortable about him moving in after 7 months even though I'm kicking myself in the butt now. He moved into my very small townhome. He was a drinker to begin with but once he moved in, his drinking increased to 4 nights a week and it wasn't just a few beers.. it is drinking until he's totally hammered. I can tell that he became depressed and he stopped wanting to come home. Life with a child and a new puppy was way more stressful than he expected. I feel bad because I wasn't very understanding at the time that he went from having as much freedom as he wanted to squeezing into a 1200 sq. ft. home with a baby and a lab puppy. It was a life that I was used to. It's like he immediately was pushed into a father role (not because of me but because it is naturally how my child began to see him). He wanted it at first. He loved the idea of being her dad. (I never let her call him dad though-- she knew to call him by his name) Through all of this he was still very good to her. The sex between us stopped as well as the showing me that he cared. His work requires him to work on the weekends and he is a HUGE football fan and devotes his Sundays to football.. which I tried to be understanding about but I began to hate football when he was already giving us so little of his time. It's like we had become married and he began resenting us. After the sex stopped, I started nit-picking at him. The sad part is that when he did start trying harder to give me what I needed after a big talk, I still nit-picked at him and pushed him away. Ultimately, his bachelor-esque choices and my neurotic nagging, we both decided he needed to move out. Then 2 days before he was set to do so though, I changed my mind and promised him I could change and had a really yucky, weak, let's face it pathetic moment and begged him to stay. Since then we've only had minimal contact regarding the dog that he took with and is now getting rid or (or has gotten rid of). I'm being respectful of his time and I'm not going to contact him. However, it's sad because when he left, he told me that he really loves me and my daughter. It's sad because we didn't break up for lack of love. We just moved too fast Is this fix-able after some space? Help His family has reached out to me and told me they are so upset with him and they hope that after some time and getting his selfishness out of the way, he will realize how much he wants us in his life and he will be willing to do what he needs to do to give us what we deserve. I'm not going to dwell on the break-up. If the situation arises where I can date, I will. I just want to know if anyone has bounced back after an ugly situation like this and been successful? Does he miss us? Is he hurting too?

[Valixy]

The house and your life as a couple weren't the problem. You could have looked for solutions together to move somewhere else, that's what couples do when they need more space, it happens every day and it's not the end of the world. Besides he still had time for his friends and his hobbies, so he should have only tried to balance things a little bit if he was interested enough or prepared for a relationship.

I think that his real problem was the alcohol and this will never allow him to have a happy relationship. He could live in a mansion without having a child in his life and he'd still make his partner feel miserable. I honestly don't think there are many chances for a relationship with him unless he starts some kind of recovery programme for his drinking addiction and does some serious soul searching and this could take years.

You should be glad that he left from your life before he could make you and your daughter suffer more emotionally. You were a happy woman before he appeared in your life, have no doubt that you'll feel happy again in time, and when you will, you will feel even stronger and happier and you'll choose more wisely your next partner.

[michelle23]

Why are you blaming yourself? Hes an alcoholic who would rather be single then face any sort of responsibility. The problem isn't you, your child, the puppy or the size of the house-he is the problem and you should be thankful hes gone. He is no role model to have around your child

[alr85]

Thank you guys! I appreciate your honesty. I don't know why it takes a stranger saying it to make me understand that he's toxic.

[michelle23]

You are both mature adults. It was his CHOICE to move in so don't be making excuses for him like "maybe he wasn't ready for it" etc he knew what to expect before he moved in. Hes a drinker. They drink when there happy, sad, depressed, ecstatic, stressed, bored, lonely etc.. that isn't your fault. The drink will always come first and addicts are unreliable and untrustworthy.. and in complete denial so you are better off without him. Start healing, accept its over and move on with your life. Onwards and upwards