Being pushed into a friendship with headaching mixed signals.

[SeptemberLove]

Hi,

I'll try to keep it short and sum up the main things to get a bit of overview of the situation. I'm desperate to know the answer from male perspective because I'm stuck and can't seem to figure this one out at all.

I'm in a relationship with (B) since I was 19. Which is 10 years ago. We did break up after 2 years. I went to college and met this guy (X) we became close and got into a relationship it lasted a little over a year. We broke up because I still had feelings for B. He was devastated, and tried to win me back but I held off. I have to admit I always had this weak spot for him, it's just something about him that's so pure and innocent in my eyes he does nothing wrong. He wanted to settle for friendship which I thought was only making it harder for him, plus from my side I thought it was unfair to see him suffer wanting a girl who didn't want him.

He never gave up, actually was still in touch with my mom up until today. Not as much as years ago but just the regular holidays only Xmas and birthdays.

About 2yrs after me and X broke up we got back in touch through text and actually had a drink. I was completely honest to B about this and still am he disagreed but understood that after all X seems to be of importance. We stayed in touch actually only through texts and a call here and there, until we met on a holiday during an open air festival, he introduced me to his new girlfriend. Instead of being partly happy I also felt my heart sunk for some reason. My bestie who was with me then talked to X but said she could barely get through to him he was looking over her shoulder to me I was on distance, his girlfriend was standing right next to him.

I didn't know what to do feel or think and thought it was best leave them alone, X and his girlfriend. I then went working the summer after in Spain for 2 months. X went there as well (different city), and suddenly one day I had a phone call, he had lost his phone and got this phonecard and asked if I fancied meeting up now that we both were in Spain. I told him off, we had no contact or anything and to suddenly meet up while our partners are back home. Not happening. I shut down all contacts with him, I told my mom if she wanted to keep in touch be my guest but I don't want to hear anything of it. Turned out all that time he ended their conversation with ''tell her hi from me'' but she never said anything to me.

X tried texting me couple times through out the years but I ignored. Until ''B'' got hit by a psychose and dumped me. I was a complete wreck but tried to pick back up life by going out with friends. Same open air festival and we bumped into ''X'' and his friends. Shortly before that he broke up with his girlfriend. We partied, nothing bad, just danced but I noticed him being around me all the time. We took his friends home, X invited me to have a drink at his place. So I told him about ''B'' situation. He asked me if I was dating around and if I planned to stay single not go back to B. I told him I don't know my future but right now, no men, nothing just me. Nothing happened and I went home. Next morning, I got a text message with X confessing he felt stuck with his feelings towards me but it wasn't going to work out between us anyway he said. I told him we broke up for a reason and it's just too hard to stay friends with a labyrinth of feelings. Especially my feelings still for B. So he then said, that's it then. I agreed so prepared to never hear from him again. This man just wouldn't stop. Every other month he would text ''hey how you been''. I couldn't move forward at all. I seriously had to threaten him with the police for him to stop contacting me. It worked.

So...I was nearly a year single before I got back with B again. I never heard from X until last year I went out for dinner with my mom she told me he had asked for me. She knew she wasn't supposed to tell me anything but felt the urge. Something in my stomach sunk again and I texted him. Which I probably shouldn't have. He was over the moon hearing from me, I told B I was going to meet up with X for a drink just as friends ofcourse. It went well, we had a blast and talked alot and caught up. On our way back in the car, X tells me he went back to the college about 2 years ago we both met and seen this same pillar our names were carved in. I told him to stop digging up our past and say mushy things it's nearly 10 years ago things have changed. He is still single, I'm back with B living our lives. We've met up for a drink 3x so far. Each time he brings up our relationship then and what we did, actually brought up the first time we went intimate right in the middle of the cafe lol...! He also brings up why I always stayed with B, there's dozens of other men out there. This man even asks me politely ''kisses on the cheek right?''.

He asked if it was ok to be friends, I said this push and pull thing is going on for nearly 10 years, he knows I got a weak spot for him and honestly I feel sucked into his being everytime we text or talk it makes me weak. Until one day I told him that maybe just deep inside I still have a love for him but it's not fair towards B. B is my life and I have to make a choice. X doesn't settle for this choice and tells me we can be friends because we're ex-s with a weak spot. I even told him to focus his weakness towards his other ex girl, he comes back saying he doesn't respect her but respects me. I'm being pushed into a friendship where he knows I get weaker everyday. And when he finally agrees he doesn't want to see me hurt, 3 weeks after I get another text, ''hey whats up just checking''. I confronted him asking what if we got back together? He tells me, but it's not going to work anyway right? He's been saying that same thing for all those years. I swear this man is going to still contact me when he is 80yrs old in a wheelchair to meet up. And I'm thinking this man is delusional or is it me?

I have no clue anymore what to do or what his purpose is. If any of you have a clarification, brutal honesty if I'm doing wrong, I'd like to know but this is such a cryptic emotional thing I can't figure out it seems.

Thanks so much

[Wakeup]

If any of you have a clarification, brutal honesty if I'm doing wrong

Okay then: It Seems the only time you want X in your life is when you've (once again *rolls eyes*) have reconciled with B. What's wrong with you that you keep being a waffler about your whole romantic life. How many times are you going to enable B to walk in and out of your life? How many times are you going to keep returning X's texts? No new partner will take well to you having these two twits in your life the way you enable them to be.

Stop dallying with X and get on with your life? (until you break up yet again O.o) with B.

Actually You really should drop both men because you waste valuable dating years to find someone that is actually a GOOD LIFEmate by screwing around with these two wankers. Stop talking to both B and X because you're simply addicted to the attention the two of them give you. It's certainly not love.

Bottom line: STOP answering X's texts and let this all fade. Break up with B for good so you can be available and open to find someone that you're not on and off with out of habit. O.o

You're your own worst enemy. You are NOT being pushed into a friendship. You are simply allowing what goes on to go on. Fade... fade... fade out of both their lives.

[Mattiemae]

Think Wake up did answer it correctly! How long do you want to learn this life lesson? It will go on as long as you keep doing what you're doing and decide you have had enough and find you have more self worth and self respect and have a normal healthy relationship with one person.

[SeptemberLove]

I think you both are right. I'm still trying to find out when in life I actually allowed this pattern to rule over me. Although things are OK in my relationship with B, I'm independent and could just pack my bags live on my own. I may have settled way too young. But it's the unknown I'm scared of, being alone frightens me kind of. My circle of men is very small to nothing. Could I have set the bar low that I don't even know what real love should be?

At the time B and I were apart for a year, I got to know 3 men. First one I felt I couldn't have one single deep conversation with, the 2nd one just slowly faded for some reason I can't even remember what happened there, the 3rd one seemed nice but in the end went psycho mode started stalking me, checking every 30min to 1h sometimes made stories up to see if he could catch me on shady activities..that turned me off so bad I didn't think those men would still exist. So back I went to B. I found myself comparing people to him alot. It's like being in a relationship feeling like you're missing something but being out, embracing the single life since I cut off men I meet.

I know it's really my own fault and responsibility for my own happiness but is it fair to involve my mom in this since she's still in touch with X. I've actually told her to cut him off taking my side in order to be able to move on, but she just refuses. This way he will always ''be in my life'' even if indirectly. So he will always have a connection to keep snooping in my life.

[Mattiemae]

Become a woman of worth, and get some healthy perceptions of dating and relationships. There are lots of positive articles on dating, books, and marriage. Go read over some so you know what a healthy relationship asks of you. What you should be looking for in a guy. Really doesn't matter what happen in the past, just that you get a healthy concept now of what kind of man should be in your life, and build up on your self worth, self respect issues. When you've done those two things, when the next guy comes along you will be much better prepared to make healthy and good choices for you. The unknown is scarey, but I can tell you there's really nothing that bad ahead. You will always find love, it just depends on whether you want to keep repeating the same mistakes, or head down a better road. There are many men out there, and the best way is just talking to men, and learning their different personalities. Just be friends with men. I hung out with men all my life as friends, and nothing more and learned alot about being a woman, how they think, and watched them with their girlfriends and what the didn't like or do like. Just don't think every guy is in love with you, and just because their friendly doesn't mean they're interested. Sometimes they are just being nice and respectful, and just that a friend.

[Wakeup]

Tell your mother that you do not want her discussing you with X and you do not want to know anything about him.
Stop returning any of his texts.
Block and delete him from all social networking sites/phone/email. Go true ZERO contact. Cut your mother off when/if ever she brings him up.

See, if once you have this giant pink elephant known as "X" out of your life that your relationship with your current boyfriend improves. You've been emotionally trying to juggling two men for a long time and like I said, you are your own worst enemy because of it.

If after nuturing your relationship with your current boyfriend without the third wheel known as X, you find nothing has improved, then leave him too, stay single until you learn to do so and be content and happy at it. If you don't do that, then you will just keep making the same unhealthy and unfulfilling choices in men with any new guy that you've made with these two.

Good luck.

P.S. I don't recommend you make a habit of being friends with men. You have enough trouble without bringing yet another pink elephant-like problem into your romantic life.