Would you appreciate contact?

[r321148]

Hi so just after a bit of female advice on my situation

The breakup: we were only together 7 months. Things were difficult as I was coming to the end of my master's degree and struggling to find a job. She was just going into her final year and all the stresses that brings along with pressure from her parents. Her dad was also re-diagnosed with cancer which added to her stresses. Eventually we had a chat and I thought it fair to explain my situation and that I was having to expand my job hunt to further afield (more opportunities elsewhere). She cried that I might have to leave (first time I saw her cry). I said not to worry as I'd try to stay and even if I did go I'd try to make it work with her. Next day she calls me and asks if she can come over and talk. She comes over and says she's been thinking overnight and finishes with me saying that she can't do an LDR right now. I told her that I'm still trying to stay local if I can, but she says it doesn't matter as she can't deal with the uncertainty as it would make her lose focus. She kissed me and left in tears.
This was September 2013.

Afterwards: For the first couple of weeks we had light (but slightly strained) conversation. I then got a job that meant I could stay locally and I messaged her to say I had news and asked to meet for a drink. She didn't reply so I took the hint. After that there was no contact for 2 reasons: firstly I wanted to respect her wishes and secondly so I could move on with my life.
At first it worked. I really got stuck into my new job and got a promotion, joined sports clubs and made some new friends and dated new girls. Then after a (actually not too bad) date in early December she popped back into my head and I realised that I really missed her but still decided not to do anything as I still wanted to respect her wishes.
I finally gave in at Christmas and messaged her just to wish her a merry Christmas. She messaged me back to say thanks and that she hoped all was well with me too. (I guess just being friendly and I'm not reading into it)

Since then I've heard nothing from her but I still really miss her.
I don't know why it's so hard. I had relationships of 5 years and 2 years and I got over both of those just by going No Contact....for this it just hasn't worked and I still miss her.

So a few questions:
1) Should I send her a text to see how she is?
2) Should I call her?
3) Should I hang on until she has finished her studies and try then?

What would any of you feel given the situation? Is she likely to appreciate contact from me or will it annoy her? I don't want to ruin any future chances by just being impatient.
Bearing in mind she has had 1 text from me in 4 months and I have had the same from her, I think I have handled this pretty badly
I thought about sending her a Valentines card but I have reconsidered that as I think it's too much in the circumstances and is likely to creep her out more than anything.

Any advice appreciated (preferably female perspective hence posting it in here)

[Mattiemae]

Does she know you have a job and still are in the area? You can send a valentine card if the message is low key. Just keep it simple for beginners. If she doesn't know you're are still there, this is really miscommunication. As you said she had alot of stress with cancer issues, study, etc. Can't promise you a happy ending, but if you miss her and had a good foundation to start with there is really no reason not to contact her. She might have been under the impression you would be moving away, and may have got scared, and figured i might as well break it off now, because he'll be to far away. Just one opinion, but at least you will have the answer.

[r321148]

She might have been under the impression you would be moving away, and may have got scared, and figured i might as well break it off now, because he'll be to far away.

Thanks... that was how it seemed to me....although I do tend to hold onto false hope.

Also the fact she has made no attempts to contact me since makes me think it was more than that.
No she doesn't know I stayed. I said to her that I had news and she blanked me so I never got round to actually telling her.
My reasons for not contacting her:
She is still busy with study
She hasn't attempted to contact me
She ignored a few attempts at friendly contact in the month after the break up
If she doesn't want to hear from me now and I annoy her then it will most likely kill any (albeit small) chance of reuniting when she finishes studies
Maybe it's already too late

Reasons to contact her:
I miss her
I never really told her how I felt, I just let her go
Maybe she is waiting for me to make the first move
We left on good terms, never fought or argued

Also if I am to make contact would it be preferable as a text or a call? Is a call out of the blue after 4 months too much?

Thanks

[Mattiemae]

Well back in the day we used phones over the internet and email, texting etc, because there wasn't any. It is more personal on the phone, or writing a paper letter. Either way I feel you should contact her and tell her you're still around! That was an important peice of information. What do you have to really lose? She already broke up with you. lol The only thing that can happen is she say no I don't want to meet you in person and talk. Well the breaking up part was more painful. So her saying no I don't want to talk to you now, well that's the easy part. lol I know you don't have anything to lose at this point. Worst case scenario: she doesn't want to talk. Best scenario: she dates you again. Good scenario you end up as friends. medium scenario: you clear the air and both move on. So different outcome, you just don't know till you do it!

[bekho]

Dude. Your reasons to contact her in the post above. You need to send her those reasons directly. Nothing feels better than just going for it. "Hi I know we haven't kept contact. I've thought about contacting you in the past x months but I couldn't never bring myself to do it. Now I'm going for it. Sorry if I'm being forward. I just want u to know that... I still miss you. I never had the chance to tell you how I felt. I shouldn't have just let you go that day. I would like it if we could start talking again. Etc etc

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[r321148]

Thanks for advice both. It is different to what I've been told before but alternative (neutral) viewpoints are always good...most of my friends say the fact she ended it and hasn't made an effort to get in touch shows she wasn't that interested. They reckon I should just leave it in her court and if she is interested she will get in touch.

I agree that staying was an important part and I did want to tell her but she was just ignoring my contact at that stage so I didn't press it.

I think I will just go for it....like you saying nothing to lose really. The only slight concern I guess is that she is still busy so nothing has actually changed for her and it might be better waiting until July when she has finished studying....but it may be too late by then if it isn't already...who knows!

I think a text first to see how she's getting on and if she responds I'll follow up with a phone call. Does that sound a good plan?

[Mattiemae]

That sounds good! It's always advisable to take things slow.

[r321148]

Thanks for advice!
So I text her last night and she replied (in the middle of the night while I was asleep so I haven't replied yet)! Wasn't really expecting her to reply if I'm honest but she actually sounded pleased to hear from me and asked if I ended up staying! I'm not getting my hopes up too much yet but it is definitely positive that she replied and maybe we can be friends at least.
Any advice on how to progress it? It's been 4 months so I definitely don't want to come on too strong and scare her away again!

[bekho]

Text a little here and there. Then have a problem you'd like to talk over about something. Call her. End up talking for ages. Ask her how she's been etc. Then tell her that we've been talking for hours.

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[bekho]

Carry on texting. Let her call you sometimes. Then say u want to try that a particular coffee or theres a movie u really wanna see or something.

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[bekho]

Once you guys start hanging out as friends without a hidden motivation or an awkwardness, You'll soon realise how nice you guys are together and boom!

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[r321148]

Haha whilst I appreciate the optimism in the previous posts I don't think life works like that.

So after the initial positivity of her replying it looks like nothing has really changed. I text her Thursday evening, she replied on Thurs night while I was asleep, I text her back on Friday after work telling her that I got a good job and was still around....dropped in that my most recent project is actually right around the corner from her house. Asked her a few things about her life...how she was coping with the workload, how her dad was etc and....nothing.
So what to do now?
1)take the hint and give up (again)
2)give her a few more days and text again
3)call her

I have no idea why this girl is having this effect on me. I have been out on dates with loads of great girls since her but none have felt right.... She isn't perfect but I love her flaws and there is just something about her that I haven't found in anyone else although I can't put my finger on what it is.

[r321148]

I guess my question really is: where is the line between being assertive and taking control and being annoying and coming across as a stalker. I care about this girl and I don't want to get in the way of her studies or distract her...

[r321148]

So Monday I just thought screw it I'm going to call her...no answer. Then about an hour later she texts me back asking if everything is ok and apologising for missing my call. So I asked if she was free and when she said yes I called her up. We had a really nice chat for a couple of hours...was almost like we'd not had the 4 months of not speaking.
She apologised for not replying to previous text and said she was all over the place at the moment so much so that she had even forgotten to go meet her sister at the weekend. I said that if she needed any help with any of her coursework that I'd happily read it over for her. Told her about my new job and various bits and pieces I've been doing. Then she had to carry on with her work and I said that I'd be working on site close to her house again Thursday and suggested we grab a coffee after I finished work. She said that'd be nice.
Today though she text me to say she had forgotten that she already made plans to study with some friends this evening and she couldn't make it.

I'm not really sure what to do here. Is there any subliminal text to this or is she just genuinely busy (to be fair she did sound genuine)? I just don't want to waste my time. I know she's not seeing anyone else now. I'll be working near to her place again next week so I might suggest re-scheduling for then.
Red flags here though: she didn't reply to my text, she cancelled plans on me and didn't suggest re-scheduling, we have only had one chat and a couple of texts in 4 months, there was nothing really in the texts or chat to suggest we might get back together.

[Smila]

Dude. Your reasons to contact her in the post above. You need to send her those reasons directly. Nothing feels better than just going for it. "Hi I know we haven't kept contact. I've thought about contacting you in the past x months but I couldn't never bring myself to do it. Now I'm going for it. Sorry if I'm being forward. I just want u to know that... I still miss you. I never had the chance to tell you how I felt. I shouldn't have just let you go that day. I would like it if we could start talking again. Etc etc

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk

really?? are you serious about this post?? THIS IS CREEPINESS AT EPIC PROPORTIONS!!....

anyways...for the OP....

she cancelled on the day of the date with no option for rescheduling...RED FLAG!!! Because, when a girl is interested, she will make a way to meet up..even if it is for 30 mins...

I think you've played it well..so far...and right now the signs are not looking too promising (not to rain in on your parade)....
Meanwhile, DO NOT PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET...to make things easier for you, continue going out on dates to keep you occupied..and then take one last shot at her..in the same way... you pulled off the first date....
But i also think you better start digging yourself out of the hole you have dug for your self concerning her...it is dangerous for your wellbeing...