Not sure what to do

[tessheart]

I have never posted on a forum before but I wanted to get advice without the judgement or bias of my friends and family.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. Before that he was in a relationship that lasted over 7 years that had been over for a year. When we got together we both lived in the same town as his ex and I knew that they were friendly (she has a 15 year old daughter he is very close to). A few months ago we moved to another state where we don't know anyone. I knew that he was still in contact with his ex because he spoke on the phone with her daughter from time to time. However a few day ago I found out that he has been talking to ex through text more regularly than I realized.

When I spoke with him about the situation he said that they were friends and he wasn't trying to hide anything from me (even though e was hiding it). Then later that night he started talking about going back to the town we lived in before (where his ex is) for a weekend and insisting he go on a weekend I could not go with him. This action combined with him talking with ex more often then he was letting on had me concerned and I sat down with him and ask if there was anything in their conversation that would make me upset and if they talked about their relationship and such. He insisted no on all accounts but his responses were hesitated and left me all the more suspicious.

In a move very unlike me I decided to look on his phone while he was in the shower (ugh I know not my proudest moment). On his text thread with her there was a lot of talk back and forth and obvious signs from her that she missed him. She asked him if him and I were exclusive and rather the stating that we are very exclusive he asked "why do you ask" and she asked if they could have sex while he was up there (classy I know!) his response was "I think that ship has sailed" but they continued talking. He said later in their texts that he doesn't want to do anything that upsets me. These text happened an hour before he started talking about going back to the town alone on a weekend I could not come.

At this point I am livid he not only hid the fact they were talking but left it pretty open in her mind as to wether him and I are in an exclusive relationship. When I told him I looked at his phone he admitted he messed up but insists like it says in the text that nothing was going to happen between them and he only wanted to go to the town alone to see his friends. He says he is sorry he lied about the text but didn't want to upset me. We live together and are currently looking at buying a house. I don't know if I should say he messed up but nothing actually happened or is the lying and possible intent to cheat enough to end this relationship.

[rest77]

These are very obvious red flags. It always, and have always start with a simple text message between two Ex's and then followed by calls, e.t.c (And of course they will always denial that there is nothing serious that they are just in friends zone. Especially when there are kids involved, that would be another good excuse or reason they should contact each other on a regular basis )

You are on a slippery ground, be very careful. Buying a house together wouldn't be a good ideal for now. Someone is likely to get hurt and that person might be you. These their little text can develop into something you don't want to imagine. There are cases when they end up getting their ex pregnant while living with the current new GF.

- - - Updated - - -

On his text thread with her there was a lot of talk back and forth and obvious signs from her that she missed him. She asked him if him and I were exclusive and rather the stating that we are very exclusive he asked "why do you ask" and she asked if they could have sex while he was up there (classy I know!) his response was "I think that ship has sailed" but they continued talking. He said later in their texts that he doesn't want to do anything that upsets me.

He is enjoying the attention his getting from his ex and this will take them both somewhere....
What's wrong with this answer, Yes, we are exclusive. Befor the "why do you ask". If he was honest with his answers, she would have back off.

[tessheart]

Thank you for your advice. I want to ask him to stop all contact with his ex. I realize that this might complicate his relationship with her daughter but I feel like at 16 she can contact him directly or vise-versa and that their communication does not need to be mediated by his ex. Do you think it is unfair or unrealistic to ask this of him with her daughter in the picture?

[rest77]

I want to ask him to stop all contact with his ex. I realize that this might complicate his relationship with her daughter but I feel like at 16 she can contact him directly or vise-versa and that their communication does not need to be mediated by his ex.

Sitting him down, telling him how you don't feel comfortable with his constant text to his ex. But, then if he starts being defensive using all the available excuses ( I have a daughter with her and i can't just stop contacting blah blah blah e.t.c ) then you might have more issue to deal with.

Yes, at 16, she should be able to contact her father without her mother the ex hiding behind the picture. But somehow his ex have a motive "Of winning back his daughter's father". And this of course is also obvious to your BF, but i think he too is trying to cover up with "Its just a text message, besides we are just in friends zone"

It is fair to ask him, because are you with him together.

[Smila]

YES IT IS DEFINITELY A FAIR AND REASONABLE DEMAND TO MAKE FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND..

our instincts never fail us..and yours is telling you that if he leaves to head back home, THEY WILL HAVE SEX...simple
as rest77 said...based on his answer, you would know what kind of situation you have on your hands..

and..i think you might need to hold off on that house you were planing to buy with him...atleast till you know that you guys are mutually exclusive..