He cheated on me

[Ellele]

He cheated on me.
Hey guys, I have been reading through break up forms and no story has been quite similar to mine. I am in desperate need for advice because continuous solitude is only confusing me.
I am kurdish, Muslim and culturally not allowed to date. However, we date when we are sure we are going to marry this person and I was sure but I guess he wasn't.
For the sake of privacy, I'll refer to him as R.
R and I were talking for 1 year and a half before he pressured me to be his girlfriend. I was 14 and he was 16 when we first started talking. We've also known each other since childhood. After a year and a half of talking and me refusing to be his gf (bcos I was afraid of something like this) he just ignored me and started dating some random girl at school. He would purposely hold her hand and kiss her in front of me. I was so deeply hurt but convinced that he would come running back to me and I would be willing to forgive him with open arms. Of course, he realized he was an idiot and apologized for what he did, as the naive child as I was at 16, I forgave him and gave him the satisfaction of being his girlfriend. So I basically rewarded him for his bad behavior. Anyway, 6 wonderful months passed filled with love and bliss. We talked about our future and he was graduating high school with a few college acceptances and scholarship offers. (I forgot to mention he was a cif champ, a self-absorbed jock) July of 2012, R expressed that he could not afford college and decided to move to Texas with his family to take a break. He assured me that he would be back before my birthday to celebrate (January). The last month of summer was bittersweet. We spent every waking moment together then he was gone. 3 weeks passed after he left and no calls or texts. I knew something was wrong when finally he said he needed space. I gladly gave it to him bcos I knew he was immature and he was unable to sustain a healthy long distance relationship so I thought the best thing to do would to let him do whatever he wanted to. 9 months passed and we began to pick up where we left off. I just had a feeling everything would be ok but again, I was wrong. He stopped speaking to me once again in January of 2014, the time he came back home. Finally, a month later I woke up to a long text explaining that he cheated on me a week before he left for Texas and how he wasn't the person I thought he was. I refused to discuss it over text and we met and spoke about it in person. He explained that he was drunk and overwhelmed by the attention he was getting from all the girls at the party. But he didn't apologize he just kept repeating that it was haunting him and he just wanted me to know the truth. I felt like he wouldn't have cared if I walked away. I had no choice but to stay and make things work bcos I was so in love with him and I was kurdish. I knew he wasn't going to do it again but I just didn't feel secure in the relationship any longer. We continued to hang out every weekend like nothing happened, I couldn't let him touch me bcos I would just feel like crying. However, 3 weeks later I began to feel numb. I wasn't crying myself to sleep and I wasn't reminiscing over our memories. I felt numb and began thinking to myself for hours about how if I wasn't kurdish I would dump him in a heartbeat for disrespecting me like that. Once I started dreaming about my future without him, I knew it was over. I love him but I lost so much respect for him. I met up with him again today and told him that I needed time to think about everything just because I wanted to see him and feel again but I didn't. I need this time to see if I am making the right decision because I am not sure anymore. He texted me earlier asking what I meant by what I said and told me to break up with him if I wanted to "ASAP" bcos he didn't want to "waste our time." I was crushed. I feel like he's just ready to be done with me when I spent the last four years loving him unconditionally. So I ask you, is fate giving me a second opportunity to leave him or will I be throwing away a relationship that could potentially be salvaged? Please take into consideration that I am kurdish and a relationship like this has already tarnished my reputation (all we did was kiss, but he was my first, I wasn't his).

[Valixy]

Most of the relationships that begin at 14/16 years old are mere experiences and don't have a chance for marriage. It is a fun dating period that continues for another few years until most people are really able to commit. No matter what culture people have, they can't be mentally and emotionally prepared to sustain a long term relationship when they are so young. You were both meant to encounter some problems, Ellele, and none of you can really be blamed for that, if anything the cultural pressure that you both experience maybe.

I personally don't think that the fact that he kissed another girl at a party is the biggest problem in your relationship, but the distance, his repeated lack of contact for months, his poor explanations which don't help you in any way to get over what happened and finally the pressure he's putting on you when you're suffering so much and trying to reach a decision. I don't think that he is feeling for you as much as you are, part of him has checked out of the relationship long time ago and because of this he is only capable of showing you sporadic moments of attention, which are far from the love you deserve. Part of him would like to break free and it is mainly the tradition that brings him back to you and not the love he used to feel.

About your reputation...I was born in a small traditional town where girls were expected to marry their first boyfriend. Some old women even used to say that the first man is given to you by God and the second one by the devil LOL. I spent 5 years with my first boyfriend who was not the right man for me because of my personal weaknesses and for the sake of the tradition in which I also believed somehow - not the God/devil part (!) but the ideal one man/one love for the whole life. When I finally broke with him I realized what a nonsense all that was and I became much happier. If you will ever meet a man or any other person who thinks that because you kissed (or slept with another man) you're ''tarnished'', they have a serious problem and aren't worth your time.

Keep imagining that future without him, give yourself some time to get over the heart break and find a new love with a man whose feelings are stronger than the problems or the temptations that may appear and doesn't bounce back to you because of guilt or the comfort of knowing that you're always there. Marriage is not about being with your first boyfriend but with the right man for you, who truly loves you and makes you happy.

[Ellele]

Most of the relationships that begin at 14/16 years old are mere experiences and don't have a chance for marriage. It is a fun dating period that continues for another few years until most people are really able to commit. No matter what culture people have, they can't be mentally and emotionally prepared to sustain a long term relationship when they are so young. You were both meant to encounter some problems, Ellele, and none of you can't really be blamed for that, if anything the cultural pressure that you both experience maybe.

I personally don't think that the fact that he kissed another girl at a party is the biggest problem in your relationship, but the distance, his repeated lack of contact for months, his poor explanations which don't help you in any way to get over what happened and finally the pressure he's putting on you when you're suffering so much about what happened. I don't think that he is feeling for you so much as you are, part of him has checked out of the relationship long time ago and because of this he is only capable of showing you sporadic moments of attention, which are far from the love you deserve. Part of him would like to break free and it is mainly the tradition that brings him back to you and not the love he used to feel.

About your reputation...I was born in a small traditional town where girls were expected to marry their first boyfriend. Some old women even used to say that the first man is given to you by God and the second one by the devil LOL. I spent 5 years with my first boyfriend who was not the right man for me because of my personal weaknesses and for the sake of the tradition in which I also believed somehow - not the God/devil part but the ideal one man/one love for the whole life. When I finally broke with him I realized what a nonsense all that was and I became much happier. If you will ever meet a man or any other person who thinks that because you kissed (or slept with another man) you're ''tarnished'', they have a serious problem and aren't worth your time.

Keep imagining that future without him, give yourself some time to get over the heart break and find a new love with a man who's feelings are stronger than the problems or the temptations that may appear and doesn't bounce back to you because of guilt or the comfort of knowing that you're always there. Marriage is not about being with your first boyfriend but with the right man for you, who truly loves you and makes you happy.

Thank you for understanding. I feel like I need to justify leaving him when I shouldnt. Also it wasn't just a kiss, they had sex. But he swears that he felt guilty and "stopped before he could finish". I could care less about the details, he cheated on me and lost my trust. But I am still afraid to break up with him but I don't know why, I don't know if I'm actually afraid of losing him or just afraid to be alone.

[Valixy]

Thank you for understanding. I feel like I need to justify leaving him when I shouldnt. Also it wasn't just a kiss, they had sex. But he swears that he felt guilty and "stopped before he could finish". I could care less about the details, he cheated on me and lost my trust. But I am still afraid to break up with him but I don't know why, I don't know if I'm actually afraid of losing him or just afraid to be alone.

You've been alone for the most part of your relationship, Ellele, and it wasn't so much because he was far away but because he wasn't feeling for you anymore what he was supposed to feel. He still cares about you but he doesn't seem to be in love with you anymore. I think that you should do some justice to yourself and move on from this relationship that caused you so much sufferance. Your great qualities and love capacity deserve much more. Staying would only perpetuate your unhappiness in this partial unfulfilled relationship.

[Ellele]

You've been alone for the most part of your relationship, Ellele, and it wasn't so much because he was far away but because he wasn't feeling for you anymore what he was supposed to feel. He still cares about you but he doesn't seem to be in love with you anymore. I think that you should do some justice to yourself and move on from this relationship that caused you so much sufferance. Your great qualities and love capacity deserve much more. Staying would only perpetuate your unhappiness in this partial unfulfilled relationship.

You're absolutely right but I always felt in the back of my mind we would still get married someday, now I just don't know. I'm also scared that if sometime in the future I see him with someone else, I'll break down and regret the decision I made.

[cookies27]

Am I the only one feeling like you're way too young to be worrying over marriage? I mean, I get it: Different culture, different strokes for different folks. However, just because your culture dictates that you marry doesn't mean you can't be selective about it! This dude is disrespectful, and you don't deserve that.

You are young and your feelings of him being "the one" will dissipate given some time and some distance. He is disrespectful to you, your values, your morals, and your culture. You need to move on from him and find someone who's willing to go the distance with you and be there for you.

You've got plenty of time, and I don't foresee you regretting letting go of someone who would cheat on you, not once you've found someone who will treat you right- and you will!

Dump the loser. You deserve so much more and yes, you are afraid to be alone and worried you won't find anyone else, and I think a lot of that stems from your culture and all of the pressure you feel surrounding marriage. You won't be alone. You will find someone wonderful- give it some time and enjoy the process

Best of luck to you! x

[Ellele]

Wow, I appreciate your enthusiasm! Really makes me see differently. I am just beginning my life, I've gotten accepted to every college I applied to and I still don't understand that this is just the beginning. Thank you for helping me realize this. I do hope that my sure feeling will come back after I go through with it. I just can't seem to push away the doubts just because the last four years have been comfortable but that's not how love should be.

[cookies27]

You got it, babe! You are way too young to feel so sad and with so much ahead of you and plenty of fish in the sea I'm glad you're feeling more positive about everything.

No matter what you decide in the end, make sure it's the best possible decision for you. Marriage is for life, and maybe you still got a whole lot of living ahead of you before you take that step with the right person who makes you feel like you're the only one in the whole world! Keep us posted, good luck! x

[smackie9]

Marriage is no picnic so you enjoy the best years of your life while you still can.

[Ellele]

You got it, babe! You are way too young to feel so sad and with so much ahead of you and plenty of fish in the sea I'm glad you're feeling more positive about everything.

No matter what you decide in the end, make sure it's the best possible decision for you. Marriage is for life, and maybe you still got a whole lot of living ahead of you before you take that step with the right person who makes you feel like you're the only one in the whole world! Keep us posted, good luck! x

Thank you! I really appreciate the advice and support!

[michelle23]

I know your religion and beliefs are important to you but where do you draw the line? If you married a man who beat you every day does your religion dictate you stay there until he kills you? Or if hes a cheat-do you stay until he gives you some horrible disease and kills your unborn child or you have a kid with numerous health issues?

I think regardless of religious beliefs-we all have the right to be loved and looked after with mutual respect in a relationship and I would never sacrifice my own happiness or peace of mind for outdated beliefs that are too black and white for this modern world