In love with both my boyfriend and my best friend?

[Wakeup]

I'm not saying it is impossible to be in love with two people at the same time. I'm saying that she wouldn't emotionally cheat on a person she was in love with. You don't do that to someone you are in love with.

People cheat on people they love every single day. You're thinking monogamously again.

Yeah I can totally see her boyfriend agreeing to that. LOL

most likely he would not . But, if she's going to never get off her ass with this BS about falling in love with her friend everytime she has a boyfriend then she might as well find someone that thinks like she does. MMF triads are not as common as FFM triads but there are (apparently) lots MMFF quads. I've read a lot on the subject.

I don't think SHE wants to do that though (never mind him). She's got some issue she needs to deal with. Lets just hope its being young and dumb and just doesn't know when to give up her infatuation of her friend (who has yet to advance their relationship or he has and she's said no??? Who the hell knows until she explains further)

That's exactly what I've been telling her: she should give it a try, even if it's hard and even if they are afraid of messing things up. It's a risk worth taking.

And I've been telling you that she would have if she didn't love her boyfriend. I'm not saying she doesn't love her boyfriend, you are.

You have a point. I can't understand why after all these years she keeps repeating the same mistakes, while failing to recognize her own feelings.

But she is right now recognizing her own feelings. She's feeling that she loves them both but you're saying she doesn't love her bf because she loves her friend. That's where the debate started... when you said that she wouldn't be having an EM with the friend if she loved the bf which is not true if you consider polyamory. She does keep repeating though which is a red flag to any guy that has anything to do with her that actually want a monogamous relationship with her (monogamous in the true sense of the word that is.)

OP, how do you feel about your friend when you are not in a relationship? Why do you think there is a difference between how you feel about him when you are in a relationship and how you feel about him when you are not in a relationship?

Good question. Lets see if she answers at least that one.

[searock]

People cheat on people they love every single day. You're thinking monogamously again.

Didn't you say that in polyamory everyone is in love with everyone else? Doesn't this mean that everyone is aware and okay with everyone else being also involved (emotionally and physically) with everyone else? If so, then nobody cheats on anybody. She is currently cheating on her boyfriend. By cheating I mean betraying his trust. Willingly and repeatedly, too.

And I've been telling you that she would have if she didn't love her boyfriend. I'm not saying she doesn't love her boyfriend, you are.

You know how long it took me to break up with my boyfriend and finally start dating my friend? Almost 2.5 years. Yet I wasn't in love with my boyfriend (I just cared for him a lot and was convinced that I was happy in the relationship with him) and I was in love with my friend. I was just, as you put it, young and dumb.

It is true that I find it hard to understand that a person can be in love with more than one other person at a time, however, I accept it. Her being in love with her best friend (IMO of course) isn't the reason for which I think she isn't in love with her boyfriend. The reasons are:

a) she wouldn't betray a person she is in love with
b) she would be ecstatic at the thought of moving in with him and spending the rest of her life with him, but she isn't.

[Wakeup]

Didn't you say that in polyamory everyone is in love with everyone else? Doesn't this mean that everyone is aware and okay with everyone else being also involved (emotionally and physically) with everyone else? If so, then nobody cheats on anybody. She is currently cheating on her boyfriend. By cheating I mean betraying his trust. Willingly and repeatedly, too.

She is not in a polyamorous relationship so why would you compare what she's currently in to a polyamourous relationship? I'm talking about love and you're talking about the relationship dynamic.

People in monogamous relationships cheat on people they love everyday. Go back and read the statement of yours that I was replying to, Sea because that ^^^ has nothing to do with what was said. You said if she loved her bf she wouldn't have an EA with her friend and I said people cheat on people they love every day your statement that she wouldn't do it if she loved her bf simply is not true.

You know how long it took me to break up with my boyfriend and finally start dating my friend? Almost 2.5 years. Yet I wasn't in love with my boyfriend (I just cared for him a lot and was convinced that I was happy in the relationship with him) and I was in love with my friend. I was just, as you put it, young and dumb.

That's you. You are the type that believes that loving someone and being in love with them is two different things. Plus you are projecting your own circumstance onto the Op's circumstances when they could or they could not be the same.

It is true that I find it hard to understand that a person can be in love with more than one other person at a time, however, I accept it. Her being in love with her best friend (IMO of course) isn't the reason for which I think she isn't in love with her boyfriend. The reasons are:

a) she wouldn't betray a person she is in love with

Yes she would if she's the type. Obviously, she is. Lack of love has nothing to do with why people cheat.

b) she would be ecstatic at the thought of moving in with him and spending the rest of her life with him, but she isn't.

Not if she thinks it will curtail her time with her friend (which she clearly stated she thought it would). She does not want to lose either of them and that is one very good reason why people cheat on people they love. (in love with for your benefit).

Anyway, OP is doing a disservice to herself, her boyfriend and her friend who has never offered to advance their relationship so she's in perpetual "limerence" for him (google it and read the wiki link). She may not be in love with both of them,I've been playing the devils advocate because it's possible (unlike what you said that started this debate) but just scared to lose her cuddle bitch. He might just be gay or not attracted to her so he's happy to be her cuddle bitch. Bottom line: She wants her cake and eat it too (most likely out of fear of ending up with neither of them and that's pretty shitty of her to be so self-absorbed (if that's the case).

The boyzzzz, well, they enable her "shitty."

[searock]

She is NOT IN a polyamorous relationship so why would you compare what she's currently in to a polyamourous relationship?

People in monogamous relationships cheat on people they love everyday. Go back and read the statement of yours that I was replying to, Sea because that ^^^ has nothing to do with what was said. You said if she loved her bf she wouldn't have an EA with her friend and I said people cheat on people they love every day your statement that she wouldn't do it if she loved her bf simply is not true.

I thought you were referring to people in polyamorous relationships, my bad. Anyway, I don't agree. People that are in love with someone don't emotionally cheat on them. If they do, they aren't really in love with them. You wouldn't willingly hurt someone you're in love with, or betray them.

That's you. You are the type that believes that is loving someone and being in love with them. You are projecting your own circumstance onto the Op's.

I was replying to your statement: "Then its not real love. People who want to be with one another, be with one another. If it's right then usually they don't worry about messing it up". I merely provided a counter-example. Even if they worry about messing it up, it can very well be true love and they may very well want to be with one another, and it may also very well be "right".

Lack of love has nothing to do with why people cheat.

I disagree, but that's beyond the point. I'm not saying that she is cheating because she isn't in love with her boyfriend, I'm saying that since she is cheating on him, it must mean (IMO of course) that she isn't in love with him. Why she is cheating is another matter.

Not if she thinks it will curtail her time with her friend (which she clearly stated she thought it would). She does not want to loose either of them and that is one very good reason why people cheat on people they love.

Actually she said that she isn't at a stage in her life in which she wants to move in and settle down with someone. She and her boyfriend are at different stages of their lives, they want different things. Regardless of her friend, she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with her boyfriend (or isn't sure about it at the very least).

Anyway, OP is doing a disservice to herself, her boyfriend and her friend who has never offered to advance their relationship so she's in perpetual "limerence" for him (google it and read the wiki link). She may not be in love with both of them,I've been playing the devils advocate because it's possible (unlike what you said that started this debate) but just scared to lose her cuddle bitch. He might just be gay or not attracted to her so he's happy to be her cuddle bitch. Bottom line: She wants her cake and eat it too (most likely out of fear of ending up with neither of them and that's pretty shitty of her to be so self-absorbed (if that's the case).

The boyzzzz, well, they enable her "shitty."

I know what limerence is. Your analysis of the situation may be correct, I just don't think it is, not because it is too unlikely but because I think it is as I say. At least we agree on the part in which she should break up with her boyfriend. I also agree that the guys are enabling her behavior.

[KingZ]

World class expert here. Searock is correct. Wakeup is Canadian.

Carry on.

(Sidenote: polyamory is for simpletons.)

[Birdborninacage]

When I am not in a relationship, I am still in love with my best friend. And he tells me he is in love with me. But he never seems to act on his feelings any more than that, and doesn't seem to be interested in sex. So I start dating guys, find a boyfriend, and kind of let go of my feelings for him for a while. But then a few months go by in my new relationship and I have feelings for him again. I do not think that my best friend is a "cuddle bitch." Sometimes I wonder if he is aesexual, as I know a girl who was in a relationship with him for a year and they only ever kissed. My feelings for him go way beyond just wanting to have sex with him. It's not an infatuation.

As for my current boyfriend, I felt like I had found the perfect guy, and I really loved him, until a month ago. A lot has changed in the past month. In January I traveled alone for the whole month through Israel and Turkey. (During that trip tons of guys hit on me, but I stayed 100% faithful towards my boyfriend) when I got back though, I realized that the trip dramatically changed the way I felt about him. I am still able to look or think about my boyfriend and have feelings of love and admiration. I don't think I am completely out of love with him, and I do think that it is possible to be in love with two people at once. Humans are very complicated, there is no laws saying that if you are in love with someone you will not fall in love with someone else at the same time

But, my feelings for my friend are a lot stronger. I've never felt such a connection to anyone.

[Wakeup]

When I am not in a relationship, I am still in love with my best friend. And he tells me he is in love with me. But he never seems to act on his feelings any more than that, and doesn't seem to be interested in sex. So I start dating guys, find a boyfriend, and kind of let go of my feelings for him for a while. But then a few months go by in my new relationship and I have feelings for him again. I do not think that my best friend is a "cuddle bitch." Sometimes I wonder if he is aesexual, as I know a girl who was in a relationship with him for a year and they only ever kissed. My feelings for him go way beyond just wanting to have sex with him. It's not an infatuation.

As for my current boyfriend, I felt like I had found the perfect guy, and I really loved him, until a month ago. A lot has changed in the past month. In January I traveled alone for the whole month through Israel and Turkey. (During that trip tons of guys hit on me, but I stayed 100% faithful towards my boyfriend) when I got back though, I realized that the trip dramatically changed the way I felt about him. I am still able to look or think about my boyfriend and have feelings of love and admiration. I don't think I am completely out of love with him, and I do think that it is possible to be in love with two people at once. Humans are very complicated, there is no laws saying that if you are in love with someone you will not fall in love with someone else at the same time

But, my feelings for my friend are a lot stronger. I've never felt such a connection to anyone.

Okay. Straight up without pulling any punches. This is how this looks to me:
It Looks like you should see a therapist so that you don't go through the rest of your life using men for everything except a true emotional connection while you get THAT from your cuddle bitch.

You are wasting your life on someone who would very likely never be able to match your libido because he would have advanced your stagnated dynamic by now if he wanted to. He's selfish and he should dismiss himself from your life so that you can actually get and give all your needs to one man. This is not love, its obsession.

>Would he be open to marrying you while you get your sexual needs met through other men?
>Have you ever discussed your obessesion of him, with him?
>Does your current boyfriend know the extent of your obsession with this other boy?
> Do you realize you are obsessed with him?

Talk to someone that can actually help you sort out yourself. This isn't healthy for any of you; you, him, or your boyfriend (who I'm thinking is in the dark about your activities and psychological obsession with your "friend."

Who knows. Maybe all three of you can work something out but if you don't ever have that conversation then I suggest you rehab from your drug of choice called "Real Live Teddy Bear" so that you can be open enough to experience all with just one man.

[Birdborninacage]

As for breaking up with my boyfriend, I am planning on doing that. But I am breaking up with him more for the reason that I am about to be transferring to a university where I will be finding an apartment and moving to a different part of the state, and even though we were talking about moving in together, I don't think I want to anymore. At first I was happy to be dating an older guy because he is very mature, but now I realize that I don't feel like my maturity matches with his yet.

If I break up with my boyfriend, I'll be spending a lot more time with my best friend. And I am worried that the same thing will happen where I become discouraged that I don't understand his feelings. It's weird having some guy say he loves you, even to the point of making grandeur future plans with you, and not ever trying to have sex with you. The fact that he hasn't tried to do anything physical with me doesn't bother me too much. While I enjoy having an active sex life in my relationships, (by the way, my boyfriend and I have the best physical connection and sex life I have ever had) when I am with my friend I am content that he isn't all over me physically.

- - - Updated - - -

Okay. Straight up without pulling any punches. This is how this looks to me:
It Looks like you should see a therapist so that you don't go through the rest of your life using men for everything except a true emotional connection while you get THAT from your cuddle bitch.

I don't use men. I still have a true emotional connection with my boyfriend, and I have had a true emotional connection with men in previous relationships. Your response seems very narrow minded. And I am not obsessed with him. Maybe our libidos don't match, but that doesn't mean that what we have isn't actually love. Sex and love, while they are great together, are not dependent of each other. And I could be wrong about him being aesexual. I know he has sex with girls before. I would appreciate it if you would stop referring to him as a cuddle bitch. I don't hang out with him to cuddle with him, and we don't cuddle every time we hang out. I hang out with him because we have great conversations and an amazing spiritual connection, and sometimes the times we hang out have lead to cuddling, or us holding hands.

[pcmaster]

I don't feel like my maturity matches with his yet.

I like this line. So you together with him not just because of sex but because hes advanced in other areas of life like... you know.

[Wakeup]

If all that is true then do the right thing and discuss a poly relationship with both of them. The way you're handling things right now is inappropriate. Just because you don't think it is, doesn't mean it isn't. Give your boyfriend (this one and any future ones that you drag into your life) the benefit of informed decision whether or not he wants to be your third wheel.

Your friend is selfish and there are no two ways about it to be doing with you what he does knowing you are in a relationship with a man who thinks he is the only one in your heart.

Stop justifying YOUR actions and give these men the right to choose.

I am anything but narrow minded and have been the one advocating that a person can love two people at once so take your statement and throw it out. You are the one in the wrong her for not fully disclosing your love of another (or your obsession) so just stop it now and do the right thing.

You can call IT an "amazing spiritual connection" all you want. The bottom line is that not everyone in this triad is aware and accepting of your wants and NEEDS. Fix that.

Do you have regular sex with your boyfriend. If you do, then you can throw out your line about that as well because all it is, is you justifying your obsession.

(by the way, my boyfriend and I have the best physical connection and sex life I have ever had) when I am with my friend I am content that he isn't all over me physically.

It's quite easy to say you're content that he isn't all over you when you're getting those needs met by someone else.

[Birdborninacage]

I said that my maturity doesn't match his because I am not experienced with living without my family, and I am not ready to move in with a boyfriend. I realize that I am acting innapropriately in this situation, which is why I made this post in the first place, so I could get advice on how to stop. While I do believe you can be in love with two people at the same time, I do not want a polyamorous relationship. I want to be in a loving monogamous relationship. My best friend is not being selfish. And if you want to believe that this thing is just an obsession and I don't have a spiritual connection with him, fine. I know for sure that my feelings for him are much more than an obsession. And yes, my boyfriend and I have regular sex. I don't see how that matters.

- - - Updated - - -

When I started going out with my boyfriend, It was during a period where my best friend weren't talking much. It's not that anything happened between us to make us stop talking, we just go through periods where we hang out a lot and other periods where we barely speak. I dont know why we go through periods of not talking, butThe fact that we do that has never bothered me. So, because I wasn't actively involved with romantic feelings with my friend means that I wasn't using my boyfriend. We met each other, realized we had a lot in common and hit it off well, so we started dating. Then we started having sex and that was great too. I have only recently noticed feelings for my friend coming back, so I was certainly not using my boyfriend for sex during our entire relationship

[HeartIsAching]

Oh sweetie I've been there. First of all, you need to break up with your boyfriend. You aren't in love with him, otherwise you wouldn't feel in love with another guy.

Other than this, I pretty much agree with everything you said. I do feel the need to address though - it's quite possible to feel love for more than one person. There are MANY successful polyamory relationships.

However, other than that, you're right. So is dem862.

[searock]

Yeah, I realize now that it's possible to be in love with more than one person at a time. I don't understand it but I accept it. I don't think this is what is going on with the OP though: she is not in love with her boyfriend. She just cares for him a lot (loves him) and she thinks she's happy in the relationship, but she isn't in love with him.

OP, what you said in your further posts just confirmed what I originally thought. My advice hasn't changed: break up with your boyfriend.

It's weird having some guy say he loves you, even to the point of making grandeur future plans with you, and not ever trying to have sex with you.

Yes, it is weird. Are you sure he isn't gay? Either way, he shouldn't be saying these things to you if he isn't romantically interested in you... that's just cruel.

While I enjoy having an active sex life in my relationships, (by the way, my boyfriend and I have the best physical connection and sex life I have ever had) when I am with my friend I am content that he isn't all over me physically.

That's because you are already getting awesome sex somewhere else (your boyfriend).

I think that after your break up with your boyfriend, you should have a heart to heart with your best friend. Put all your cards on the table, tell him how you feel, everything you told us.

[cookies27]

I find it funny that whenever you're unattached, you and the best friend aren't as close as you are when you get into a relationship. I feel like maybe the best friend either: A) Has feelings for you and is too afraid to say anything, which is why he brings himself closer to you when you're attached, or B) Knows that you have feelings for him and enjoys mussing you about to make himself feel good.

Regardless of whether or not it's option A or B, your current boyfriend is not the one, otherwise you wouldn't be worrying over all of this. You're not compatible in some fatal way and regardless of if the friend were in the picture or not, I don't think you and he would end up together anyways. I agree with several other posters that you need to let that one go. I feel like if you don't, it's just going to end in you hurting him pretty badly with this friend of yours.

I would also strongly advise that once you're unattached, you talk to your friend about it all. What's so wrong with asking what is up? It doesn't mean your friendship will end, and it may mean that you get to move on with the person you actually do love. This is going to keep being a recurring issue until you face it head on, whatever the outcome might be. You just need to grab some courage and do it!

Best of luck to you! x

[searock]

OP, after you talk to your friend, if he still doesn't appear to be interested in becoming physically intimate with you, you should definitely cut him off from your life. He is just going to hold you back, anchored to him, unable to ever find a guy with whom you can truly be happy with.

Anyway, you'll cross your bridges when you come to them. For now, focus on breaking up with your boyfriend and then on talking to your friend. I know it all seems very hard right now, but believe me, in a few months you'll feel a lot better no matter how everything goes. Good luck :-)!