Bittersweet Victory: Dream Job Followed by Hearbreak

[thankyou56]

I am two years out of college, and I have spent the past year trying to make a series of career transitions into a fairly competitive industry. I put all of my heart and soul into this career change, and I did not have much time to spend with my ex, who I had been dating for 2+ years. The one or two days a week we did see each other, I was doing work the whole time. She is a very independent woman, and always told me it was okay that I was focusing on my career, and not to worry about it.

However, working and interviews were very stressful and competitive and brought out the worst in me. I knew we were drifting apart, but I thought I could pick up the pieces after I got a job. Lo and behold, the day after getting my dream job, she breaks up with me. Everything had seemed fine on the surface the day of and she was extremely excited about my job with me, but that afternoon, her mood turned and we got into a silent argument that led to our breakup.
My initial reaction was slight shock mixed with slight relief (the thought of breaking up had crossed my mind a few times in the past few weeks), and I went out with my friends that night and shook it off. The next day, I was too tired to feel anything emotionally, but two days after, I felt like I was got punched in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. We met up to talk, and I told her that I that I missed her and wanted to work things out, but she told me she wouldn’t change her mind. Surprisingly, she claimed that my work had nothing to do with it, and that she has been thinking about our relationship for the long term recently. She told me she thought we were too different, and were not compatible for the long run.

As much as I want to believe her, I knew that work/interviews brought out the worst in me over the past few months, and she was evaluating our relationship at the trough, without considering my input. I told her that things would be different now that I sorted out my career. I told her I was not giving up. I tend to agree with her that I am not sure we are a perfect fit in the long run, but regardless, I care about her and I want to be with her. It has been a week since our conversation, and we haven’t communicated. I still want to get back together with her, but I am not going to hold my breath.

The ball is completely in her court now but what should I do? Should I wait and give her some space? Should I try again? Should I talk to her friends? Should I just move on?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Move on. Focus on this job that you've worked so hard, and sacrificed so much for. She might come back around later and want to try again, but certainly not if you keep badgering her. Forget her, and focus on your career.

[basilandthyme]

There's nothing you can do except move on.

While things may be better now that you've got the job, she's also seen that next time you're looking for work things are likely to get ugly again. She's simply not up for it.

[thankyou56]

There's nothing you can do except move on.

While things may be better now that you've got the job, she's also seen that next time you're looking for work things are likely to get ugly again. She's simply not up for it.

She tells me it's not my career that caused the break up, but the fact that we are incompatible. Do you think this is actually true?

[basilandthyme]

You talked about putting your study and career above her...not to mention becoming unpleasant to be around while looking for work. I imagine this would make you very incompatible with her.

[thankyou56]

You talked about putting your study and career above her...not to mention becoming unpleasant to be around while looking for work. I imagine this would make you very incompatible with her.

But why did she break up with me without even giving it a chance now that all the stresses of my career switch is over. I also have a long period of time before my new job starts, so I can relax in my current job. The sad thing is now that I finally have time to devote my time and love to a girl, I'm alone.

[Valixy]

She probably got tired of the relationship in the last months as it was and started to feel less and less. If you've apologized and expressed your wish for working on your relationship but she isn't interested anymore, there is nothing you can do but move on. If there isn't anyone else involved that could have got her interest, she might feel differently in a while, but that doesn't depend on you anymore.

[pcmaster]

Right now you might think BS like better job or more money could help you get back girl but the truth is she was with you before all that and job not necessary will compensate qualities in you that atracted her in first place.

[thankyou56]

Right now you might think BS like better job or more money could help you get back girl but the truth is she was with you before all that and job not necessary will compensate qualities in you that atracted her in first place.

This girl is fiercely independent and not materialistic at all, so I don't think my new job matters to her other than the fact that it makes me happier (less hours, more interesting, pay is great but not the draw of this job). If I still want to pursue her, should I stay in contact with the occasional friendly coffee or just refrain from communication all together?

[basilandthyme]

But why did she break up with me without even giving it a chance now that all the stresses of my career switch is over. I also have a long period of time before my new job starts, so I can relax in my current job. The sad thing is now that I finally have time to devote my time and love to a girl, I'm alone.

Until you need to update your qualifications....or got for a promotion.....or find a new job....or have trouble balancing work and social time. She also knows that if the job thing gets tough, you will prioritise it over her even if you know she's unhappy.

Picking up the pieces after you get the job is too late. The way to avoid a breakup would have been to make changes as soon as you knew she was reconsidering the relationship.

You got your priorities wrong and are now paying the price. But on the upside, you now have a terrific new job and will be able to start dating a find another great girl.

[thankyou56]

What are the chances of changing her mind and reconsidering our relationship? Is there anything I can do to change her mind/win her back? Do I even want to do that if we are not a good fit in the long term future?

[basilandthyme]

No, you do not want to get back together if you're not a good fit for the long term future. You'd be better off finding a girl who IS a long term good fit

And from a more generous angle, don't you want her to be free to find someone who's a good fit long term too?

[thankyou56]

But how can we be so sure about the future when it comes to something as intangible and as irrational as a relationship? What if we care about each other and want to be together (at least my side of that)? Isn't that enough?

[pcmaster]

Sometimes love is not enought. What about reasons you broke up in first place, are they fixed?

[basilandthyme]

But how can we be so sure about the future when it comes to something as intangible and as irrational as a relationship? What if we care about each other and want to be together (at least my side of that)? Isn't that enough?

No, love is not enough. To sustain that love, you need to be compatible in other areas of your life. Things like attitudes, goals, morals, ethics, sense of humour, social requirements etc etc. If these don't gel well, all the love in the world isn't enough.