Bittersweet Victory: Dream Job Followed by Hearbreak

[thankyou56]

No, love is not enough. To sustain that love, you need to be compatible in other areas of your life. Things like attitudes, goals, morals, ethics, sense of humour, social requirements etc etc. If these don't gel well, all the love in the world isn't enough.

To give you guys more background, this is my first serious relationship (longer than a few months) and break up, and I feel like I am just starting to figure out what I like in a mate. My ex were very compatible in some senses, but not in a few others. I think my ex and I had a similar sense of humor and morals (honesty, openness, family values). We have similar lifestyles (no smoking, no coffee, fairly healthy, we both don't like to drink much) and share a few interests (movies, same kind of foods, exploring new restaurants, certain tv shows, a few sports), but not others (like her like of literature and books). We both want to stay in the same city for the medium to long term.

However, she is a liberal arts major working at a non profit and I was a business major. She is very thoughtful and introspective while I am more spontaneous. Also, she feels strongly about a lot of social and political issues that I am not strongly opinionated about. The major thing I had doubts about was our compatibility socially. We got along very well when we were alone, but she is shy and I am a very outgoing person. I am friends with her friends, but she makes little effort to hang out with mine. This is concerning to me because as we get older, the social unit is no longer the individual but the couple.

Based on this information, do you think we are compatible enough for the long run?

[basilandthyme]

She doesn't want to be with you.....so your compatibility (or lack there of) is irrelevant.

Having said all that, compatibility is VERY relevant to your next relationship. As you say, you're just learning what you want in a partner. It's the relationships which come and go at this time of your life which will teach you more about what you want and don't want. Relationships at this stage are as much about learning as they are about having fun and love.

[thankyou56]

You make a good point and as much as this heartbreak was painful, it was also a great learning experience. I wonder though just how compatible my ex and I were relative to other relationships that I and others will have.

[basilandthyme]

Don't forget that you will change as you grow and learn. So even if someone is compatible now, it doesn't mean they will be in the future. I'm mid 40's now - but the changes I experienced between the ages of 16 and 26 were astounding. The type of guy I started with (and was relatively happy with) is very different to the type of guy I ended up with (and am still happy with)

[thankyou56]

I have never dated anyone seriously, so I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that you can date many different people, but you can only marry one. When I think about it, I really don't think I would be able to marry my ex anyway, so I should just be happy that it's over and ended on good terms. Nevertheless, breakups hurt, especially if you are the one getting dumped.