Hi there
My ex (let's call him 1) left me six years ago when we were 21. I have since had other relationships - one lasted four years and we lived together (let's call him 2) - because I believed I should try and get over it. I wasn't being callous, I did feel 'something' for 2, it just wasn't the same kind of 'love' I had for 1.
I recently left 2 and don't miss him at all, which surprises me quite a lot. Throughout the four years we spent together, I would periodically feel a lot of pain over my breakup with 1, but I assumed it was some kind of psychological problem (I had psychological problems anyway) and left it to counselling.
I did have therapy and I no longer have mental health problems (which is awesome), but since splitting up with 2 and thus not feeling guilty about thinking about 1 I am in extraordinary pain once more - it's kind of like going out with 2 was a sort of anaethesia that dulled it all for a while, but didn't make it go away, and now it's back with a vengeance!
So I've tried all the usual things. No contact (I haven't spoken to him or seen him for 4 years), reminding myself of all the ways he wasn't perfect to ensure he is not put on a pedestal, going out with other people, trying to accept rather than fight the pain and let myself cry about it (learned that one in therapy), having therapy of course...but six years on it still feels like someone is punching me in the guts.
I suppose the difference between 1 and other people is quite clear: he made me feel very wanted. He was also very passionate and showed he loved me in all kinds of ways, so I guess the difference is that I felt like I was 'special' to him in some way. I think this feeling is important in relationships, and will look for it in future ones....but before then, I'd quite like to just get over this! I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends that I still feel very in love with 1, as they'll just tell me to get over it.
I think part of the problem is that I think that if me and 1 had met now, everything would have been fine. But because I had quite bad mental health problems at the time (I had eating disorders) I was a right hassle to deal with, and I think that must have been what pushed him away because he still seemed to love me when we split up. In fact, he told me that he did. In fact, he continued to tell me he did for a year after we broke up. I know that seems manipulative, but I don't think he was actually deliberately being manipulative. I think he's just a bit of an idiot and he was a lot less experienced than me in relationships.
I should say I don't blame myself at all. It wasn't my fault I had problems, and there was nothing I could have done about it. It's more that I'm sad that these mental health problems took so much away from my life - many other things as well as 1 - and this is sort of the 'icing on the cake'.
I don't really know what I'm asking for...I suppose I just wonder if there's something I could do to lessen the pain?