Ex College GF (20 years ago) Just Facebooked Me - It's Complicated

[LostinArizona]

I accepted friend request but my mind is going crazy with possibilities. What should I do???? Below are the facts, sorry it's long but I really need advice.

Found my first love (Ali) when I was in college and she was 2 years younger in high school. I loved Ali so much it hurt. It hurt to be away from her as we didn't go to the same school for a year. She was my best friend. Over time, we began to drift apart as she wanted to experience college more and she even suggested we take a little break. I was pretty insecure and controlling during the relationship. I ended up cheating on Ali (before our break) and she found out and rightfully dumped me. After the breakup, I became very depressed and my grades were terrible and could not find a job after graduation. After my graduation, I would run into her and she would tell me who she was dating which made me more depressed. I tried to reconnect just for a drink a few times but she wouldn't have any part of it as she had a serious bf by then. A year after graduation, I called her one night and told her I thought we would get back together some day and she told me to move on and I cried (I never cry) on the phone. My heart hurt so bad. She got married to a very wealthy guy (family business).

I tried to date and move on but no one compared to her. I was getting older and sick of the bar scene and I found someone (Betsy) who I was comfortable with. The night of Ali's wedding (not invited) I was very drunk and told Betsy how much I loved Ali and I cried that she was getting married. That episode carried with us but we got married. My parents were in 70s and I wanted to get married and have kids partly for them. Again Betsy was comfortable to be with but I did not feel the same way as with Ali. The past issues with Ali would flare up with Betsy once or twice a year and I reassured her I loved her. Betsy has sought some medical help for bipolar issues. We have two kids. Betsy has become an alcoholic (runs in family). A few times a month it is not fun to be in our house due to her drinking. Much of the time though she is fun to be around and is a great mom and she is a religious person and has helped me with my faith. I guess it is safe to say I love her but I am not in love with her like I was with Ali.

There have been very few days in the last 20 years I have not thought of Ali. It has always been in my mind we are soul mates and would get back together one day. Ali facebooked me and I accepted. I looked at her pictures. She is still very beautiful. I noticed she did not have one picture on FB with her husband but lists him as married to. My mind has been running wild with thoughts of her wanting to get back together. Then I say, you idiot, you have two kids and are married. Other questions that are going thru my mind:

Am I going against God's will by thinking about leaving my wife?

What if I wait until the kids are older and can accept divorce better? But then that is just 5-10 more years of not being with Ali. I have already lost 20 prime years.

[searock]

Am I going against God's will by thinking about leaving my wife?

No, it is not morally wrong to think about divorce. It is however wrong to lie to your wife every day - she should know that you are not in love with her. You should be honest with her and give her the possibility to decide what to do with that information.

As for your ex girlfriend, you're delusional if you think that you can just meet her and get back together with her. TWENTY years have passed, she is married, any sane person would have moved on ages ago. I think you could use the help of a professional in order to get over your obsession and delusion. It is not love, by the way. At best, you are in love with a mere memory, and you are using this fantasy to get away from your marriage. After all, I imagine it's not simple being married to someone as troubled as your wife (nor is it to be married to someone as troubled as you for that matter).

Have you considered marriage counseling?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yes, you are going against God's will. Do not do it or you will burn in Hell.

[Valixy]

I think that she moved on completely after your break up 20 years ago, that's why she rejected any following initiative from you and totally respected her new relationships. She had actually started to distance herself before you cheated on her and deep down you must know that in a way or another the relationship was going to come to its end soon. You instead blamed only yourself for provoking the break up, started to idealize her and compared everyone with her, when she had actually stopped loving you and for this reason she wasn't the right woman for you anymore. You also associate her probably with a happier time of your life and a happier you, before finishing college and stepping into the real world, when what you had was just a young love that without any real challenges failed to pass the test of time.

You should let go those feelings that don't have a place in your life anymore and distract you from using all your energies in order to improve your real life the way you think is best. You can't make a marriage work unless you put your whole being into it and maybe it's time for you to try doing that or decide on whatever might be right for you but without being influenced by the memories of a woman who stopped loving you 20 years ago.

[LostinArizona]

I think that she moved on completely after your break up 20 years ago, that's why she rejected any following initiative from you and totally respected her new relationships. She had actually started to distance herself before you cheated on her and deep down you must know that in a way or another the relationship was going to come to its end soon. You instead blamed only yourself for provoking the break up, started to idealize her and compared everyone with her, when she had actually stopped loving you and for this reason she wasn't the right woman for you anymore. You also associate her probably with a happier time of your life and a happier you, before finishing college and stepping into the real world, when what you had was just a young love that without any real challenges failed to pass the test of time.

You should let go those feelings that don't have a place in your life anymore and distract you from using all your energies in order to improve your real life the way you think is best. You can't make a marriage work unless you put your whole being into it and maybe it's time for you to try doing that or decide on whatever might be right for you but without being influenced by the memories of a woman who stopped loving you 20 years ago.

Thanks for the advice. I do wonder if I associate her with a happier time (college care free years) but down deep we were best friends and even months after the break up, we talked for hours on the phone. What if she was going thru her college years and played the field, met a guy, fell in love with him (his money) and 15-18 years later they have drifted apart and she realized the 3 years we had together were very special and she made a mistake by distancing herself from me. This is just one theory I have. Again, I thought it was odd that she had NO pictures of her husband and her on her FB page.

[Valixy]

Well, from my experience when a woman gets over a man she loved, that is for good and from what you wrote I think that she succeeded to be happy after you two separated. Could she be looking back sometimes and remember that time of her life with nostalgy? It's possible. I personally haven't met yet two people who would be strongly interested in each other after 20 years. One of them, yes, but both, no.

It's your feelings you're dealing with here, more than a real possibility, in my opinion, as if a part of you hasn't adjusted yet to who you are today, a husband and a father who needs to take many things in consideration and succeed to be happy without a woman he met long time ago.

[RedWingInCo]

You are fantasizing and getting worked up over something that is only an imagination in your mind at this point. We live in a Facebook world and everyone expands their friends list all the time. She may not even have an interest in re-establishing a relationship. As far as the question regarding are you going against God's will [I]thinking[I] about leaving your wife, you already understand how God feels about divorce so the answer is right there. I do know this, however, there is no way your marriage will improve while you are fantasizing about another woman. Sure, your wife has issues, but so do most of us. Almost every marriage relationship on earth today could be improved and made more satisfying with just a little effort. Maybe replacing this idea in your head about your "soul" mate with the more biblical concept that you are with your "sole" mate. The grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence.

[basilandthyme]

she realized the 3 years we had together were very special and she made a mistake by distancing herself from me.

Mate, that's one hellava theory. It's more likely she's just feeling a bit nostalgic. And I'd be very surprised if she was regretting ending a relationship from 20 years ago.

Again, I thought it was odd that she had NO pictures of her husband and her on her FB page.

Not odd. Not everyone wants their photos spread through cyberspace. I have a couple of friends who don't want their images on FB

[Boisdevie]

Don't go against gods will. I've heard that if you piss him off he can turn nasty. Last people who annoyed him lived at Fukashima in Japan and look what happened to them.

[smackie9]

She is definitely not lookin to get back together with you. She thought enough time has passed, people move on, grow up, change, have different lives, etc that she just want to say hi, and see how you are doing, what have you been up to, just like most people do. But sadly she doesn't know the obsessive person that is lurking when she innocently sent that friend's request to you.

Get your shit together man. Your wife needs a husband that will help and give support to combat her alcoholism. And your children need their father to do everything he possibly can to support his family, not run away.

You are being a weak ass piece of fluff. You are considering abandoning your wife and kids, over a FB friends request to chase some feelings you had for a girl 20 years ago. It's time to man up and get some counseling for it. You are not thinking logically, you are just escaping your responsibilities and a husband and father.