Trust Issues

[hauntingpast]

This is really long. Please, please help me if you can.

So a little background before I get into my question. I'm a 28 yr. old female. This is the 3rd relationship I've had in my entire life. the other 2 ended within a few months of dating, so never serious. I have been abused, manipulated and used by men my entire life and have created rather poor habits with how I view and treat men due to that. But, I'm an adult, and those are my choices. I've made the commitment to change those habits I learned, and not judge men. Before my current boyfriend and I met, I had been single for more than 2 years by choice. I feel I'm not good for another person because of my past and didn't want to inflict my crap on others and be a burden. I never minded being single and never yearned for a relationship. Well after I met him, something was different. I wanted to be with him and for a long time. Now for the story to lead into the question...

Before we became official, about 2 weeks after meeting, him and I and his friend (We will call Fat Man who's about 400lbs and i was and am not attracted to, sorry I'm not trying to be mean, I am just trying to be honest. yes overweight people can be attractive) went out for a night. I got stupid drunk (i admit this was a mistake and have taken measures to not drink like that anymore) and on the way home, his friend drove. I talked about holding his friend's hand and did on the way home. Why? I don't know. I can't answer that, and Man wants an answer. I was drunk, and while that's no excuse, I feel I was trying to sabotage something good with Man. My now boyfriend (we'll call him Man) was in the back seat the entire time and when Man's friend dropped me and him off and Man's place, he was mad. And rightfully so. What I did was stupid and hurtful. I took full responsibility for my actions. At the time I was nearly black out drunk, I vaguely remember and didn't realize the ramifications. Man and I were not "official" although I understand that doesn't change how I hurt him. Well, he ended up wanting to be with me despite that incident. We've been together for 1.5 years and live together. 97% of the time our relationship is great. But I feel like I owe him a debt and that I need to make it up to him by doing everything in our relationship from cleaning, to cooking, taking care of the dogs (we have 2) and anything else. I feel he doesn't contribute to our relationship like I do and I am resentful. I feel it's because of this incident that he doesn't trust me.

Also, ONE time while working at a warehouse as a temp job, I usually cover up myself pretty well...well I worked with a lot of guys and one day it was hot in there. I usually wore men's dickie pants, a tank top, zip up hoodie, which I NEVER took off, and a jacket because it was during the winter. One day it was hot and I took off my jacket. I had a zippy and tank top on and I had unzipped it to under my boobs. Well I took a picture of my cleavage in the bathroom and sent it to Man. Fat Man's dad is the boss out where I worked, and told Man that my boobs were hanging out in the breakroom where a bunch of guys were. It happened 1 time. I don't like my boobs hanging out and honestly, since having them since I was 10 as a DD, I sometimes forget them or don't realize my shirts down. I'm very self conscious of my body so this is not a piece of my character to have my boobs hanging out. Regardless, I'm not flaunting my boobs or anything else for attention from men.

Anyway, he brought up both items again to me last night as I offhandedly said something about seeing a women's cleavage at a professional place of business while paying a bill. He immediately thought of those incidents, which I've apologized for several, several times, yet cannot get over them. I feel like I don't deserve to keep paying for my mistakes. I haven't committed the same mistakes and I feel like I've earned his trust back, but he hasn't felt that way. He's awesome most of the time even though I feel he doesn't put a lot of effort into our relationship, he's nice and loving to me most of the time. I am not going to allow someone to keep throwing past mistakes in my face as they happened over a year ago. I don't deserve to be disrespected after apologizing and trying to make it better. I feel there is nothing more that I can do to make it better, or if there was anything I could do. I feel I have proven again and again that I want to be with him. I know that I'm not a bad person inherently and that I made a couple of mistakes. MISTAKES which I have not made since, and have learned from. Regardless, I did hurt him, but he has lied to me, but I have let it go and accepted his apologies and moved on.

What am I missing here? Is it time to call it quits? I thought this was the man I was going to spend my life with, but I refuse to live in fear of this being triggered at any moment and all those feelings come flooding back. I feel he would be better off not being with me, then he wouldn't have to think about it. I love him very much, and I want to be with him. If I didn't, I would have broken it off long before we moved in together. I'm not a cheater, never have, and I never will. I define cheating as being intimate, kissing, rubbing etc. I just don't know what to do about this. I don't have any friends or family to talk about this with, and I'm desperate for any guidance. With my 2 indiscretions, I feel the good things I've done, which are more than 2, have canceled these out. But maybe I'm quick to forget about this whole thing.

sorry it's so long, but any and all input is appreciated!

[basilandthyme]

What you're missing is that the two 'indiscretions' you've made were both barely worthy of comment.....let alone being held over your head. If this is how he reacts to the small stuff, how will he react if you actually made a significant error?

And what the **** was your boss doing telling your partner about the fact that your cleavage showed? I'd be looking for a new job AND a new partner.

[hauntingpast]

Thank you so much! this has validated my feelings as my thoughts were interfering! I've made it a point to not let this bother me and if it continues to be brought up, I don't have to stay. I'm independent, and a strong women with more worth and if that means he can't appreciate and love that, then I can leave. Thanks again! I feel so much better!

[TablesandChairs]

These indiscretions of yours are nothing - the first: you weren't official, you were blind-drunk and your boyfriend was in the back seat. Something about holding hands with a fat man? Who cares.
The second: You took your jumper off because you were hot or whatever...who cares? Seriously? You're from the USA, not Iran.

Your guy is a control freak and he takes advantage of the fact that you have so many issues that you're willing to play SLAVE to him because of some minor 'indiscretions' that most people would have forgotten about ages ago. But not him. Because he's an asshole.

Hope that helps

[michelle23]

All women have cleavage. Do we go ape shit if we see our bf scratching his balls or if he takes his top off coz its too warm and his muscles are showing... seriously this guy needs to get a grip! What he is doing is emotional abuse and your letting him get away with it. Put your foot down and stop feeling guilty. You have done nothing wrong. I've hugged plenty of guys whilst drunk and my bf has never made me feel bad about it. He either trusts you or he doesnt and if he doesnt then you need to tell him where to go.

And his dad telling him your cleavage was out is just plane weird. Its nine of his business.