Feeling adrift, lonely, and incapable of making the right decisions

[lolerskates]

Hello everyone, I made this thread (http://www.loveforum.net/threads/77783-High-school-sweetheart-relationship-of-4-years-ended-having-difficulty-moving-on/) well over a year ago. A quick summary: I was 21 and in a lengthy relationship with a promiscuous girl (we'll call her "B"), got hurt MANY times, and eventually broke it off, but still couldn't get over the ordeal because I felt I was still in love with her. That thread ended with me focusing on another girl (Megan) whom I had met in an effort to get my mind off my ex. The majority of people told me I should lay low for awhile and heal, but when I'm alone, I don't feel like I'm healing at all - I feel depressed. I feel like time is being wasted if I'm not putting any effort towards finding someone, because life experience has taught me that someone isn't going to find me.

To elaborate, I'm not depressed with who I am - I'm very satisfied with who I am. What's depressing is I can't find anyone to connect with emotionally. It feels like everyone is either a shallow dick, or overly wanting to be accepted as a shallow dick by the other shallow dicks in the world. The majority of the people I talk to (man or woman), I feel like I'm talking to an ego and not a genuine human being. I'll make small efforts to make friends but in the end I feel like I couldn't be any more alone when surrounded by other people. At my work for example, everyone likes to either gossip about other employees, discuss pop music or pop culture...and that's about it. I have no interest in these things so I'll often just to be quiet - and people grow stand offish with me for no reason. I felt the same way when I made that thread over a year ago, and I've felt this way almost my entire life.

You'll have to trust me when I say I'm a relatively normal guy. I might not sound that way, but I'm not particularly different from everyone else. The main difference between me and most people is that I don't really care about popularity, being "cool", etc. because unlike most people I'm never going out of my way and changing who I am to be socially accepted by the people around me. I'm not ugly, I don't have tattoos/piercings, and I'm always clean and smelling good. As I said, I don't think the problem is me in that sense. The problem is that I get zero gratification from hanging out with most people that I meet. What do I like to do when I'm not working or going to school? Playing guitar, practicing writing music, collecting new music and expanding tastes, watching critically acclaimed shows and movies (huge film buff), games, programming, taking care of younger brother, drinking with my best friend, etc. - all fairly normal stuff. Most people I meet though literally have no interests other than gossiping, partying, shopping, sports, sleeping, or pop culture. And despite me being introverted, I'm literally the one who has to carry the conversation with 99.9% of the people I meet, if any conversation is to occur at all. Yet if I'm ever quiet - I feel like they're pinning me as the quiet one. I feel like finding meaningful friends is a hopeless cause

Enough about me - back to where we left off, with Megan and I. After being with Megan for only a week, B contacted me and begged for me to get back with her. I turned B down and she got incredibly angry at me, to the point of where she was making vague threats. At this point B and I had been separated for 3 months or so, only getting together for sex while we were both single. B claims she got into a relationship but couldn't maintain it because she realized she still wanted to be with me, and was holding that over my head. While Megan was a nice girl, ultimately she was only a distraction from my thoughts on B and I didn't see much of a future with Megan so I explained to her the situation, why I couldn't be with her anymore, and that I thought she was a great girl.

So I broke up with Megan and got back with B. But not only that, but we moved into a place together in the summer - along with her mother. Sound crazy? It was. I thought if we lived together, there is no way should she would still attempt to be promiscuous. Fast forward a few months later, but she was consistently trying to get me to sleep at my parents so she can have her girlfriend spend the night. I logged onto her Facebook and what was really going on is that she was trying to have another guy regularly spend the night in our bed. Even after I caught her - she still went out and slept with this guy. We were still together for a few months as I attempted to forgive her, but it's obvious that I couldn't forgive her because obviously her promiscuity was never going to stop. I told her I opened up a profile on PoF and was keeping my options open, and she told me she was going to take the next month to prove to me that she was worthwhile.

A few weeks later, a girl (Maria) contacted me and for the first time in my life, a woman told me she had tons in common with me. We're both into the same music, the same movies, same games, etc. and we hit it off great. I told her about my situation and she was extremely understanding, as she was getting out of a similar situation with her ex. For once in my life, the troubles of my relationship with B melted away. She was so crazy about me that she constantly wanted me to spend nights at her place, but I never would because I wasn't comfortable getting so close to her so quickly. She would constantly tell me her perfect I was. Perfect? No woman described me that way before, especially not one I was extremely fond of. This woman gave me the strength to ignore B and bring an end to the relationship and living situation that I was unsatisfied with. I spent time with both her and B for a month. And on Valentines day, I broke up with B and began the process of moving out.

Shortly after the break up, Maria disappeared. She stopped texting me, and stopped replying to my texts. The only explanation I received was "I'm going through a tough time, I need time to myself", and that was that. A month of intimacy with someone she finds "perfect" and that's it? It's been over a month since I've last seen Maria, and I've only met up with B for sex once since we broke up. Obviously I handled the situation terribly. Nothing about it made much sense. I'm not surprised she's gone. At the time, I considered Maria a blessing - she gave me confidence that there certainly ARE women out there that I find satisfying on a personality level. I think I could have spent the rest of my life with her happily. But now that she's gone I realized that women like her are few and far between and I'll likely not meet anyone like her for a very long time.

So what's the issue? I feel just as lonely and empty as ever. I think as long as I feel this way, I won't be capable of making constructive, productive decisions. But if I'm not capable of making the right decisions, I'm never going to make the right decisions when the right girl does come along. How do I break the cycle? Since my last thread, I've made very little progress in my life. Mentally, financially, educationally - I'm roughly in the same spot. I still think about suicide on a regular basis. I wish it was as easy as just forgetting everything, moving on, and focusing on school or something else - but it's not that easy. I wake up and first thing I think about in the morning is how lonely I am and how depressed that makes me feel. When I'm in the car going to school or work, these feelings just resurface and instead of accomplishing my goals I feel more like going to bed. And then when I try to sleep I have difficulties actually falling asleep because I'm stuck pondering my failed relationship and loneliness. Then I think about how difficult this is because I feel like I'm going through this entirely alone. If it's so easy for every one else I know to build meaningful relationships, why should I bother at all?

I feel like time is my enemy at this point. Time, and myself. I can't help but to have depressing thoughts if I'm not being served with a distraction. I feel behind the curve - I don't think I'm capable of even attracting a woman that would make me happy at this point. If I couldn't establish any meaningful relationships in my prime, I doubt I could establish any meaningful relationships being behind the curve. I met Megan again recently and she was interested in a relationship, but I told her that we weren't right for each other, because I genuinely feel like starting a relationship with a woman that I don't plan on being with forever is a waste of time. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I just feel like my experience with relationships has caused me to build an extremely negative perspective on women. They're capable of doing some of the most incredibly hurtful things without even thinking twice about it. What am I supposed to do? Ignore all the women who mistreat me? But then I quickly find then are no women worth my time...

[woody]

Finding a Maria.
But first off, if your not sleeping, you must address this first and foremost. ONe gets allot more done when one has had the proper rest; and you may not think your depressed but you just may be, a little bit. Nothing wrong with that. A simple chemical imbalance with way too many stigma's attached to it. Don't rule out seeking some medical assistance with this. Often, if your truly down, 'help' helps.

On the other stuff, hey, experience. Your getting it. Learning from it and gaining knowledge on both your own self reflections and those of the good woman. Don't beat yourself up too much on losing Maria for as you said, she proved there are good ladies out there.
As far as finding most people you talk with on par with speaking to a door who only cares what shiny colour it is, well, welcome to the World; but there are so many good people out there, so many. Focus on that.

[lolerskates]

Finding a Maria.
But first off, if your not sleeping, you must address this first and foremost. ONe gets allot more done when one has had the proper rest; and you may not think your depressed but you just may be, a little bit. Nothing wrong with that. A simple chemical imbalance with way too many stigma's attached to it. Don't rule out seeking some medical assistance with this. Often, if your truly down, 'help' helps.

On the other stuff, hey, experience. Your getting it. Learning from it and gaining knowledge on both your own self reflections and those of the good woman. Don't beat yourself up too much on losing Maria for as you said, she proved there are good ladies out there.
As far as finding most people you talk with on par with speaking to a door who only cares what shiny colour it is, well, welcome to the World; but there are so many good people out there, so many. Focus on that.

Thank you for the kind words. Experience is valuable - you're right. It's a lot more helpful to view the time as past as a learning experience.

Even if I am depressed, in a clinical term, I don't know how to address it. I have no healthcare, limited finances (still in debt from the schooling I have finished), and honestly I despise the idea of taking medication. I could very well have clinical depression, and it could be the root of many of my problems. My parents have offered to take me to a research group to get "free prescriptions" after talking to their psychologist, but I'm not comfortable being used as research for whatever medicine that they want to test.

It's incredibly difficult to explain though. I don't find my current circumstances all that depressing - it's the perspective produced by my experience that depresses me. I feel no incentive to do anything because I'm under the impression that no matter what I do, I'm going to be alone for so long that I'm not even capable of connecting with people anymore. There's so much...desperation...and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to be too out-going because I'm afraid of appearing desperate, but I don't want to make too little effort to meeting a woman because then she'll think I'm not interested. I feel like the longer I'm alone, the more desperate I become, and the less likely any girl is going to ever want to be with me.

But when I was with B, and before I realized she was an extremely hurtful and dishonest person, I felt happy. Like, really happy. Happy to get up in the morning to give her a kiss, happy to do what I needed to do in the day, and was happy to go to bed to her every night. Hell, even after I've caught her doing a million bad things, I was still happier being with her than being alone. I'm not incapable of being happy, so am I actually depressed? I feel like I have good reasons for feeling the way I do. But perhaps I don't? I don't fear therapy or counseling, but I can't convince myself that I need it either, nor can I bring myself to actually get that sort of help. Ultimately I have a preconceived notion that I'm paying someone to tell me what I want to hear...and I don't think I need that.