Love or lust

[BirthstoneBear]

Met a guy and having an online friendship and sexting of which we've kept going for just over 1 year. We have declared that we love each other...he said it first ...and way before we got to the LOVE word I offered to get a room near his home in his town...but he turned me down.

He is in the military so gets posted all over and that's why I feel he wanted to be friends...so I got to see how little time he has and get a glimpse into his world.

Well we have kept it going and are still as mad about one another. We don't always chat every day but every other day at least unless he's on a mission or training. It never goes past a week though.

Finally we have set a date to meet. I have been worried that my photos lake me look better than I do in real life and he has been worried that I won't like him as he has always been told " you aren't my type" by other women.

He has just as many female friends as male ones and at this stage I think only 1 female friend knows he chats with me.

What do you guys think. I'm in too deep now and my heart will break if we don't get along when we finally meet up! Or if he's only after me for 1 thing?

We are both older people and gone through divorce and so been weary but we want to step things up now.
I just don't want to have my heart broken!

[michelle23]

Do you want a half assed relationship with a guy who you hardly see? I know I wouldn't. Realistically where is this heading? And how can you trust someone you have never met in real life? I think appearances and how you both look to each other is the very least of your worries

Sometimes people get so sucked into a cyber fantasy and get so infatuated that they cant see the woods for the trees but do you not want something more stable with a solid routine?? Think with your head

[Boisdevie]

We are both older people and gone through divorce and so been weary but we want to step things up now.
I just don't want to have my heart broken!

In that case you've already buggered it up. You've wasted a year on this online sexting crap and declared your love for each other without having even met in person. I for one would not class that as the behaviour of somebody with good decisionmaking skills.

[hatesthis]

I think you need to meet at some point regardless and it has been over a year so now is as good a time as any because you might be perfect for each other and can take it to another level or you might not have any IRL chemistry and look for partners in your own cities after but remain friends but if you don't meet you can't make proper informed choices on what you have with each other. Hope it works out. If you worry your pics don't rep you right talk on video chat before you go get his reaction take that worry off your list before you spend money and travel.

[BirthstoneBear]

Thanks for advice. There is a bit more to it..I've just summarised. Feel I have to give him a chance but I'm also bracing myself for a fall. I don't mind that he works away ..most people do nowadays or work long hours..!
We have future plans, so it will go somewhere BUT obviously we have to meet up and see how it goes. He's in a job whereby he has to be weary about meeting a woman with the right intentions and not cry rape ect...as he is in a trusted figre job role and any claims to knock his good name would get him fired instantly.
It's not just online..we chat on phone too...I think meeting online is the new way of meeting people. I've made lots of good friends online of whom I've become face to face friends with , so I don't think it's a bad thing to meet someone you fall for online. I guess all others I've met online and "dated" ..have gone so badly wrong so I have lack of confidence.
Yes at very least I hope it doesn't spoil our friendship if it doesn't work out. Thanks for your replies. X

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Yes I agree totally and I think that's why we've both waited as long as we have to meet. We both have trust issues due to our pasts and I really don't mind that he works away..it's nice to have space too. I was married for 23yrs and he worked nights and slept all day so I never saw him! He decided to start going out rather than spend his precious spare time with me ..and cheated on me. However if we spent too long together we argued..so I think you have to get the balance right and it depends on the couple. We have plans to stabilise the relationship should it develop but only time will tell..and we have to meet to make it or break it. I have to at least try or I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't give it a go! Thanks for your advice x

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Yes I agree totally and I think that's why we've both waited as long as we have to meet. We both have trust issues due to our pasts and I really don't mind that he works away..it's nice to have space too. I was married for 23yrs and he worked nights and slept all day so I never saw him! He decided to start going out rather than spend his precious spare time with me ..and cheated on me. However if we spent too long together we argued..so I think you have to get the balance right and it depends on the couple. We have plans to stabilise the relationship should it develop but only time will tell..and we have to meet to make it or break it. I have to at least try or I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't give it a go! Thanks for your advice x

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Yes I agree totally and I think that's why we've both waited as long as we have to meet. We both have trust issues due to our pasts and I really don't mind that he works away..it's nice to have space too. I was married for 23yrs and he worked nights and slept all day so I never saw him! He decided to start going out rather than spend his precious spare time with me ..and cheated on me. However if we spent too long together we argued..so I think you have to get the balance right and it depends on the couple. We have plans to stabilise the relationship should it develop but only time will tell..and we have to meet to make it or break it. I have to at least try or I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't give it a go! Thanks for your advice x

[Johnagape]

Well you are both mature. That helps.

However you have both got trust issues. That's baggage.

But if you are both honest, take it slow, and give each other time to get to know each other well before making big moves, it can work out great.

If it doesn't work out, don't take it personally. Enjoy the memories you had from this year.

I hope it works out.

[michelle23]

Men who travel a lot and who are only home occasionally are more likely to cheat, lie, live a double life and get away with it. Many choose to travel just so they can get away with it. You already have trust issues and a lot of baggage and hes prob never had a real commitment in his life. What makes you think hes capable of committing to you?

Plus people lie online. He may not even be in the army and could be married. It makes sense if he can only contact you at certain times..

All I am saying is be careful. If he wants a relationship, insist on going to his home, meet his friends and family etc before you commit to anything. You need to be sure hes not a liar.

The first few times you meet it should be in a safe place with lots of people around. And then you should insist on going to his home town so you can meet all his friends etc. If he refuses then hes hiding something.