I chose this forum to give expression to some thoughts that i cant discuss with anyone in real life. I'm 35 years old. I'm still a virgin. The first and last time i kissed a girl was when i was 6 years old so i dont know if that counts. I last had a girlfriend when i was 14. I had several very attractive girlfriends in my early teens. But then something changed. I'm not sure what it was. Maybe it was my father that committed suicide when i was 13. Whatever the reason, i became withdrawn. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I became afraid of people. I really struggled to make eye contact and i was extremely uncomfortable in places like shopping malls where many people were gathered. At 21 i resolved to amend my ways. I started to chat to random girls on campus in the hopes of striking up a relationship but the results were discouraging. The usual response i got was "i have a boyfriend". If a girl gave me her number then she would give me the cold shoulder when i called. This only helped to lower my self-confidence and exacerbate my social anxiety. I couldn't approach people like this anymore. There were times when a girl i encountered at a store or some other public place displayed genuine interest in me. They would stare into my eyes for instance or if i was behind them they would glance back to see if im looking and be visibly excited if i were. These were very attractive girls. I was so intimidated by their looks that i could never work up the courage to talk to them. The years flew by and here i am taking stock of my life at 35. I now realize i will die in the state i am now. The weekends are the worst. During the week at least i have contact with work colleagues. I take SSRIs to cope with the depression. Im 6'2" tall. I have an athletic build. I work out regularly. Eat healthy. i dont smoke and i dont drink alcohol because it lowers testosterone and can cause gynecomastia in men. I apply moisturizing lotion to my skin and stay out of the sun to slow the aging process. Its all so futile. I refuse to go on like this. I have decided that i will employ the services of a prostitute. At this point i dont care if i get an std. How i feel afterwards will determine what my next move is. If i cant accept myself for having been with a prostitute then i will end it all. It will look like an accident so the insurance will pay out.
Thanks for listening