What does this mean? True love....

[mkp515]

I feel like im at a mental block what does the statement "True love gives and expects nothing in return" even mean. I want to apply it to my situation of unrequited love but its a little difficult to grasp.

[HeartIsAching]

In all likelihood - you can't. Unrequited love is nearly always really infatuation. You've got an idea about what that person is like, and you're in love with the idea you have about them. Usually you don't really know the person well enough to love them.

The concept that you're struggling with is really simple - love, real love, gives without expectation. That's it. If my wife comes home and says her feet hurt, I'll rub them for her, and I won't expect her to do or give anything to me in return. In fact, I'd most likely do what I could to make sure she didn't have to get up on her feet again any more than necessary.

Hell, we discovered years ago that a good orgasm can fix a headache. If she comes to me and says "I need an orgasm" I"ll happily bring her to orgasm and *not* expect sex from her afterwards. You gettin' this concept?

[basilandthyme]

I have no idea....suspect it's just romantic claptrap.

[mkp515]

[QUOTE=HeartIsAching;977083]In all likelihood - you can't. Unrequited love is nearly always really infatuation. You've got an idea about what that person is like, and you're in love with the idea you have about them. Usually you don't really know the person well enough to love them.

The concept that you're struggling with is really simple - love, real love, gives without expectation. That's it. If my wife comes home and says her feet hurt, I'll rub them for her, and I won't expect her to do or give anything to me in return. In fact, I'd most likely do what I could to make sure she didn't have to get up on her feet again any more than necessary.

Hell, we discovered years ago that a good orgasm can fix a headache. If she comes to me and says "I need an orgasm" I"ll happily bring her to orgasm and *not* expect sex from her afterwards. You gettin' this concept?[/QUOTE

I know the diff between love and infatuation, and we both established a commitment together. My ex just didn't follow thru. But I understand what you are saying. I actually read the statement from a sticky in the broken hearts forum. However, I feel like its saying if you love someone and they don't love you back all you can do is accept that they don't. There is nothing you can do, because if you truly love them you understand what love is and not everyone can feel it the same. Then again I feel like its such b.s. because that's such a hard thing to do! how can I live with such a vague explanation.

[HeartIsAching]

But I understand what you are saying. I actually read the statement from a sticky in the broken hearts forum. However, I feel like its saying if you love someone and they don't love you back all you can do is accept that they don't. There is nothing you can do, because if you truly love them you understand what love is and not everyone can feel it the same.

That's absolutely true though - in my opinion it's the very definition of love.

If my wife told me she didn't love me anymore and needed to go, I'd be very sorrowful but if what she needed for happiness was to go, then I wouldn't try and stop her. Yes, it'd be hard, yes it would hurt a lot, but my love for her isn't about me, it's about her.

[mkp515]

That's absolutely true though - in my opinion it's the very definition of love.

If my wife told me she didn't love me anymore and needed to go, I'd be very sorrowful but if what she needed for happiness was to go, then I wouldn't try and stop her. Yes, it'd be hard, yes it would hurt a lot, but my love for her isn't about me, it's about her.

Thanks. I know these things yet I don't want to believe them. Its the first time I've ever had to go through this and maybe my maturity level about this situation is low. True love gives and expects nothing in return.

[basilandthyme]

Perhaps I'm being too literal, but the concept of expecting nothing in return is leaving me uncomfortably close to the idea of 'unconditional love'. Shouldn't healthy love be dependent on things such as being treated with respect and dignity?

My love may not depend on him giving a massage in return, but it sure as hell depends on him treating me well in general.

[HeartIsAching]

Mostly we're talking about the short term here...

Obviously, if I gave (whatever) constantly and got nothing *ever* it would be an issue.

If I go down on my wife to give her an orgasm for her head-ache, I don't expect her spread her legs for me after, but I know she WILL sometime soon.

[mkp515]

Mostly we're talking about the short term here...

Obviously, if I gave (whatever) constantly and got nothing *ever* it would be an issue.

If I go down on my wife to give her an orgasm for her head-ache, I don't expect her spread her legs for me after, but I know she WILL sometime soon.

Perhaps I'm being too literal, but the concept of expecting nothing in return is leaving me uncomfortably close to the idea of 'unconditional love'. Shouldn't healthy love be dependent on things such as being treated with respect and dignity?

My love may not depend on him giving a massage in return, but it sure as hell depends on him treating me well in general.

I guess the real question here for me is....If someone falls out of love for you because they dont feel the same, do you question it? do you need an explanation? is this something that you just cant control and just let it happen. In my case I feel that professing how you feel after a situation like this doesn't help just makes it worse.

[HeartIsAching]

Of course you question it. You're always going to wonder what went wrong. Maybe you'll even figure out what it was.

What you don't do is try to control the other person involved, not through guilt, shame, coercion or any other mental or emotional abuse.

[mkp515]

Of course you question it. You're always going to wonder what went wrong. Maybe you'll even figure out what it was.

What you don't do is try to control the other person involved, not through guilt, shame, coercion or any other mental or emotional abuse.

but some people say that unrequited love is an explanation in itself. I've asked my ex gf a thousand times, her answer is always that she doesn't feel the same as what I feel for her and doesn't wanna force her feelings. But i feel like that needs to be backed up by something: what is it about me that isn't the same anymore? Am in not attractive to you anymore? Do you think I am not going anywhere with my Life? etc....she just tells me the same answer. Am i wrong?

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, you're wrong. You're trying to apply reason to emotion.

[basilandthyme]

It may be that you haven't changed but she has. Thing is, our lives are a journey where we are growing and learning the whole time. And when we're young, it's when we change the most. What she wanted when the two of you started out isn't what she wants now.

It could also be that the things which she found attractive about you to start with aren't so attractive now. For example, the thing about you hiding the relationship from your mate....at first it could have been a bit fun and exciting, but after a while, she didn't like it so much anymore. That was just one example. As another example, I've known other people who were attracted to their partner's love of socialising but in the end, it was that same love of socialising that broke them up.

And last of all, it could simply be that while she was very attracted to you in the start....she got to know you more deeply and decided that you weren't the person for her after all.

In short, there are a heap of different things which could have gone wrong. You may never understand - you may have to simply learn to accept.

[mkp515]

It may be that you haven't changed but she has. Thing is, our lives are a journey where we are growing and learning the whole time. And when we're young, it's when we change the most. What she wanted when the two of you started out isn't what she wants now.

It could also be that the things which she found attractive about you to start with aren't so attractive now. For example, the thing about you hiding the relationship from your mate....at first it could have been a bit fun and exciting, but after a while, she didn't like it so much anymore. That was just one example. As another example, I've known other people who were attracted to their partner's love of socialising but in the end, it was that same love of socialising that broke them up.

And last of all, it could simply be that while she was very attracted to you in the start....she got to know you more deeply and decided that you weren't the person for her after all.

In short, there are a heap of different things which could have gone wrong. You may never understand - you may have to simply learn to accept.

Yes, you're wrong. You're trying to apply reason to emotion.

Thank you both. Def something I needed to understand