Will my husband ever want to have children?

[Sharanya]

Hi,
I'm from India; I had an arranged marriage. I was 26, husband was 30. Now I'm 27+, husband is 31+.I knew that husband lived & worked in Singapore, but I didn't know he was so obsessed about staying on there.

Having children was really important to me, I had assumed that its important to my husband too as he comes from a very traditional & well off family & all his cousins have big kids already-he too seemed very traditional.He'd also mentioned a boy's name & a girl's name he'd thought of. After marriage he told me that he intends to go off to the USA for two years (one & a half years after our marriage) to do an MBA. He also wants me to stay on in Singapore with a job so he can come back & job hunt after his MBA on my Dependent Pass. He hadn't told me any of this before marriage, rather his family had told us that they'd cancelled the marriage alliance of a software engineer girl who wanted to go abroad for just one year for her job as (according to them) the purpose of marriage was to live together, now we learnt that my husband had always planned to do an MBA he was only waiting to become a Permanent Resident (he had applied twice before, this is another thing we hadn't known & been rejected twice before, this was his third application).His PR application was rejected the third time & now he's decided he wants me to be a placeholder for him in Singapore, while he goes off to the USA to study.

I know if I don't want to do this; if I decide to relocate because I'm missing my family or I hate my job & want to quit or even if I lose my job, he & his mom will blame me, they'll say he'd definitely have found some job if not for me.

Regarding a child, he says that he actually doesn't want a child at all, because the sufferings he's gone through, he doesn't want his child to go through, & this is something about which he's had long discussions with his parents, because they obviously want a grandchild. He says he'd even asked them to find him a girl who doesn't want kids, but he might eventually have kids due to social pressure later because (in his words) I want & his parents want. His dad also desperately wants him to relocate to our hometown & takeover the family business, but he adamantly refuses to do this & when I was annoyed with this being a placeholder in Singapore while he does his MBA in USA thing, he'd sms'ed his dad that this was all a "conspiracy" to get him back to our hometown & he'll not stay with me anymore so I don't know if social pressure of his family means anything to him.

His mother had an ectopic pregnancy at 30 which damaged one of her tubes & a hysterectomy at 34, she supports her son in whatever he wants to do, she says that nowadays one can have kids even at 40, she also asked me to "inspire" her son to do this MBA from USA & insisted I remain behind in Singapore with a job while he does this MBA.

People at his salary level do have kid/s in Singapore but he says he just can't afford a child & if he does do his MBA, he's going to be 33 when he starts his MBA & 35 when he completes his MBA, he also says he won't do consulting as there's "no life" but he wants some other job with a better work life balance, his friends are top i bankers & consultants who make 2.5x what he makes, in two years they'd have moved even further up in his i banking & consulting careers & he might just not land up the high paying, good work life balance job he's seeking & then his "sufferings" from life will only increase.

Do you think my husband will ever want kids?

[basilandthyme]

Sharanya, have you told your parents what you're telling us? What do they recommend you do?

[pcmaster]

Yes he will want them when hes older. Now looks like your husband is too busy with career so child is not a priority. Make sure you plan kid together and you both have agreed date in future when to have a kid. Your biological clock is ticking away and it would be better to have kids now rather when your 30 because of hormonal disbalance and higher risk.
I think worse in this situation is that you are unsure about future and dont know when this waiting will end. Your husband seems to think only about himself and ignore fact that you might be unhappy. Also theres no 100% proof that he will want kids when he finish studies.

Other option is to divorce and start live life you want finding a guy who wants kids for sure.

[smackie9]

It's not about the money, it's about the responsability and he doesn't want it. Why would you want to force someone who doesn't want them. He would never be mentally there for them. You want kids, you divorce and marry someone who does. You are still young enough to marry again and start a family. So stop fighting it, you are going to lose anyways. Get out while you can.

[michelle23]

You married the wrong man. You need to get a divorce and put your own happiness first regardless of what anyone else says. This man was forced to marry you. He doesnt want you or a family. Hes not committed and likely never will be. He probably has another woman in the US which is why he refuses for you to go with him. If you stay with him-youll never be happy.

Its time to put you first. Your worth more and deserve better than this

[smackie9]

Prime example to not have an arranged marriage.....parents motivation....money.....thumbs down.

[michelle23]

I agree but its normal in some cultures. Some people just v unlucky. Ive heard of situations where it worked v well but I assume a lot of cases are similar to this.

My advice to OP: move to a country where you have freedom to make your own choices, fall in love properly and love every second of it. Go and get the family you want

[smackie9]

I'm very familliar with arranged marriages with the enormous indo-canadian population here.

I think he's just saying whatever to please his parents and has the intention of getting his ass to the states where he can be as far away from them and you as possible. He's figuring out that he's doesn't want the responsiblity of raising a family, plain and simple. He's 30 already....he doesn't want kids, now you need to get out, because he doesn't want you, he married you only to shut his parents up. Pretty sad.