Desparate for advice please :)

[PWD]

Hi there you lovely people.

This is my story.

Myself and my wife met nearly 15 years ago and married nearly 10 years ago.

Just over 2 months ago, my wife sat me down and asked for a separation. It was Feb 10th. She also assured me that there was or is no one else involved.

I was is disbelief, shocked and all the emotions you suffer. Her reasons were: I don't love you any more. You don't take the children out as much as me, you don't come and see my folks as much, you're on your computer a little too much and you don't tidy up as much as me. They were her reasons (excuses). I had no idea and thought everything was fine. The only thing there that is true is that I did not go and see her folks as much as her but that was because her father never bothered with us and that used to annoy me. We were at a stand off.

Next day at work I Finish early and text my wife to sit down and speak about this. She flatly refused as she was going to her dads. I pleaded with her to stay so we could talk but she just refused.

The next 2 weeks were horrible. She was moving the goal posts the whole time and lies were starting to creep into the conversation from her. During these 2 weeks I was experiencing all the usual emotions. Fear, rejection, anger, frustration, feeling lonely etc..

I said some horrible things to her that were all built around anger at the situation. She did say some things to me as well but if I'm honest (which I always am) they were mostly instigated by myself. I used to call her weak, a quitter a home wrecker etc.. Pure frustration over the fact that she wanted to switch off 15 years with me.

My wife always reassured me that she never run me down to anyone. I looked at her Facebook message and the first PM I came to was her running me down to a friend calling me controlling and she is glad she is out of it. At first she tried to deny this then she said okay, that's one person.. Now with my wife, since she dropped the bombshell, she always just ran off to a friends house who live just a few doors away. This same person who she now confides in she has been horribly 2 faced about over the years. I start to wonder if I am being run down to them as well.

In the 3rd week we decided to tell the children. Our eldest is 7 and youngest is 3. We called our eldest through and asked her to sit down. I said we have some bad news. Mummy and daddy are going to separate. I will never forget my daughters face that day. When she sat down she was all happy and her face went from that to being absolutely distraught. That broke my heart.

Another week went past and we were 'ok' with each other then after a work out, I gave my wife a massage and things got intimate but without intercourse. She immediately regretted it calling herself a bitch and she shouldn't let me do that etc. It happened again a few weeks later.

Her phone then became locked, her email was locked, her Facebook was locked and her computer was locked from me. As I say, I never used to look anyway but when you see that they are all locked it starts to make you paranoid. She again assures me that there is no one else or anyone lined up but its just a fact that people are asking if she is okay and she does not consider all this to be a very nice thing for me to see.

During all this time, I get very upset many times in the day. She would never comfort me, put an arm round me or anything. She used to say how can she comfort me when she is the one who has done this?

Again time rolls on and the lies and moving the goal posts continue. My frustration is increasing. How can she switch off 15 years like this? She said that she thinks she fell out of love with me back in October / November but can't be sure. Something major happened in October but I will get to that in the post below.

On Feb 28th, I went to see a family solicitor. We briefly went over the separation reasons but I went there to talk about the children and my rights. Anyway, I went to see the solicitor who told me that as I work 3 days and she works 3 days then we have a day (Sunday) which we spend together as a family and that was how it has been for 2 1/2 years, that's is what is best for the children and a court would almost certainly rule in favor of keeping this.

Friday 14th March was the start of a horrible few days.

I get a letter from her solicitor asking for all my financials including the house and pension. Nothing about the children. With this I text her and say about it then also agree to the separation and we should break it to the children gently in the way of she moves out on her days at work and I will do the same. I say that I have a suitcase down ready.

At about 2.30 that day, I call in home to pick something up and I see her father and herself are at home. I go in and her father comes up to me in tears and gives me a hug. We then go out and talk and I tell him things that have been said by us both and his eyes get opened a lot. See, thing is with my wife its all 'he said this, he said that, he did this, he did that'. It's never 'he said this, so I said that etc..'. Very one sided.

Then her dad admits he called the police and they had just arrived. I asked why and he said because I thought you were going to lock her out of the house... wait? what?

Police came in and interviewed us both and that lasted for about 5 minutes. Completely unfounded. Before the police left they asked if we could all sit down and discuss arrangements all together. We all agreed. I called my mother and she came up and we all sat down. Her dad said for me to make notes so I could draw up a memorandum of agreement which could be signed and agreed on.

We discussed the house, children, debts and tax credits. We also said that we would see how things go but may well do the plan of me moving out when I work and same with her.

Just before I take mum home, I say to my wife that we are glad that happened and we will have a nice chat when I'm back. She says that she is going to her friends house as she was worried about her. I asked her to call her or text as I thought it was a positive step we had taken and would be good to move forward. I leave and take mum home. When I come back, my wife is on the phone to her step sister. She says he's back now so I'm going to go. She gets her coat on. I ask where shes going and she says to her friends. I ask and plead with her to stay but she flatly refuses. She goes out and I cry myself to sleep at about 10.00pm.

Next morning I asked why she couldn't stay and she said coz her friend was worried. I asked what time she got in and she said about 12.20. I asked why she was so long and she said that she 'got pissed and had a giggle'.. Ouch... there was me pouring my heart out and she can go and have a good time after a positive step. We have a little argument but then the second intimate thing happened.

Today (on the Saturday) she is doing a clients hair who she spoke to when she made her mind to ask me for a separation. I go to a wedding and put on a brave face. These 2 peoples lives just starting and mine just ending... but I was delighted for them.

I get back at 9.15 and we put the kids to bed. Then my wife comes downstairs to watch some TV. She then seems to enjoy telling me that she 'sorted herself out' while I was out. Then after about 10 minutes, she said she had a headache and went to bed. That messed with my mind a little so I went out for a drive. She text me asking where I was going and I just replied that I was driving about. Then her texts stopped. At 12.15am I leave the car round the corner and sneak into the back garden. Not to spy or anything - the curtains were closed - but coz I was not ready to come home and I was just sitting in the back garden thinking about things. That is all. I see the light come on downstairs at about 12.40 then go off then the bedroom light stays on. I go out to get some food at 1.15 am, eat and come back. By this time the bedroom light was off. I go upstairs and ask her why she did not reply to any more texts. She said she was asleep. I then say that she was not as I saw a light come on so then she accuses me of spying on her and stalking her... eh? what? I explained what I was doing in the garden and asked why she lied. She didn't reply.

On the Monday, she returned home from taking my eldest swimming and I asked her if she had any more thoughts about moving out on our days at work. She said yes, she is moving out this coming Sunday to a flat in a nearby village. I ask how am I supposed to live here alone as I cant afford it and she just says that's not my problem. I go to my parents for about 30 minutes and then come back to see that they have gone. My wife and the kids. Panic time.. I call the police and they arrive. He tracks down my wife and tells him where they are but asks him not to tell me. She also tells the police that I was physical with her... I break down and ask to be put on a lie detector. I have never ever in 15 years of being with her raised a hand even in threat. Police leave and confirm the kids are safe and well. Then he leaves. After this I am in a complete panic to where they were and after a while I look on a forum which my wife used to post on. I was shocked.. completely shocked... The forum is full of posts by my wife just giving her account of things and all the replies were full of he sounds awful, he sounds like a real **** etc.. Then I see a post that she had written on the Saturday night at 9.41. When she went upstairs for a 'headache'. Just entitled 'Gone'. She had deleted what she put but all the replies were all good on you... well done etc... Literally all the conversations we had over the last 5 1/2 weeks were on there. Things she had agreed with me were on there of her slagging me off and all her online friends backing her up and saying well done. The woman who she met on the day she dropped the bombshell is on there and offered her a Bolt Hole. Obvious where she was..

Next day comes and I am at the bank sorting out a new account and I get a text from my wife saying she will be over at about 10.30 with her dad and would like me to not be there. I had locked the door in a way that she could not get in. We were told by the police the night before that we could do that. Me and mum got back at about 11.10 and they were still here. We had bagged up some clothes so we put them on the doorstep. They then barged in and my wife ran upstairs while her dad was down. Mum then said to her dad, you're not allowed in here. He replied yes I am, get out, piss off.. He then assaulted my mum then whacked me round the face. My wife came down saying she is on the phone to the police and I shouted 'good, get them here... your dad has just assaulted my mum and me'.

The police came and I packed up a load more stuff and they left. Before my wife left she confirmed that I would pick the kids up from school on Thursday and keep them till Sunday. I agreed. While I was giving a statement to the police I got a call from the school to say that my wife had called them to say that she was to pick them up on Thursday and Friday and not me. I got onto my solicitor and within 30 mins that was all sorted but she was starting to use the kids against me.

Sunday came and I dropped the children off in a pub car park where she was waiting then she came to me and said that the next letter from solicitors was going to be a list of things she wants from the house but can we do it now? I agree and she comes back to mine and walks in collecting stuff by herself fine. We agree that we need to communicate and talk about the kids and sort out the tax credits. She agrees.

The following Thursday I then get a massive bombshell. I receive a letter from her solicitor saying that I am aggressive and been physical to her, she was held under duress when she signed the memorandum of agreement, wont disclose her address to me as she lives in fear of me.... I immediately see my solicitor and we make the points of if she lives in fear why does she walk into my house by herself, if she was held under duress, why did her father and step mum allow this as they were also present and it was their idea and being physical, that just left me perplexed. I also say that as she does not agree with the agreement, I would also like Wednesday evenings. This would make our time with the children fair. I am not asking for more than what she has, just equal as we have joint residency. We also suggest seeing a mediator to sort out the children and finances..

To my surprise, she agrees to the mediation. There is no more mention of the cruel accusations that she put previously. I would assume that while the solicitor has to act for her, the solicitor probably had quite a word with her to either back it up or just stop lying.

So that's it. We see the mediator on 29th April.

How do I feel? well I am usually a very happy laid back person. I feel that this is a huge waste. She has always maintained that never say never but for now its a no. I have lost 3 stone in 8 weeks, I cant sleep... I have a massive fear that she will find someone else. She maintains that is not even on her mind like it is not on mine to find anyone.

Last few days she has had very slightly more communication and when she dropped the kids off on Thursday even said that after the mediation it would be nice if she was going to the park to call me and see if I wanted to go as well. She does not want a divorce but the house needs to be sorted. I have made her a couple of CD's which she apparently plays the whole time. One CD is full of songs that meant something to us and the other is full of songs that we both really liked. Just trying to trigger memories back to her. I have been guilty of chasing her. My family don't hesitate in telling me what they think of her and to me, I don't want to hear it. Even after all that has happened, I still love her so much.

The one big thing that I blame her for is that before all this happened, she told me that she had discussed it with her family and friends but never me. Everyone else knew what was on her mind except for me.. She never spoke to the most important person in this.... me...

I felt it was important to give you the full story. I would love some feedback. She has asked for time and space but I don't know if it's a case that she just wants space for 6 months then come back or that is it.

I am starting some NC with her. To give her that space but please if anyone can give advice or thoughts, even if it's 'tough love' I would REALLY appreciate this. I have lost my family and while I have the kids, I want the whole package..

Thank you

Paul

[Valixy]

There seems to be quite a tendency in Great Britain for women to involve police when they shouldn't, sometimes with terrible consequences for both spouses and the children, and run off to their parents and friends with all kind of lies. I've heard so many stories like this that I honestly think it is worrying what is happening to some emancipated British women while they're destroying good marriages with good men at such a high price for their children.

It could be that she was unhappy and you simply didn't see it or that she's caught up in her own selfish imagined story, but I would incline more for the second possibility because she exaggerated everything that happened during the break up and made things more difficult than they should have been for everyone. You don't mention drugs or alcohol, so I assume she simply lacks self control, playing up as her unstable emotions are and sooner or later paying a price for transforming the separation in a power struggle.

I personally find her emotional instability, twisted stories and bitchy side very unattractive, tiring and terrifying. Make sure you always go the legal way when dealing with her, always have a witness when you meet her and let her start her new life if that's what she wants so badly. She behaves as if she's not finishing a relationship but escaping one and when things turn like this there is nothing else you can do, but accept that you've had a very important relationship that has run its course, that you've been with someone for 15 years but never got to know who she really is as a person and try to find your balance and peace of mind in time, because it's possible. While you know that you wanted to save your marriage, she'll have to live with her decision of finishing it. Hopefully she'll be able to be a good mother though.

[PWD]

Hi Valixy

Thanks for your reply and the time you took to read it. I wanted to put other stuff but I couldn't because of the word limit. She says she was unhappy for a long time but I don't believe that to be the reason. As recently as October (just 3.5 months before she finished it) she loved me enough to bring another child into the world.

In our time together, we have unfortunately lost 6 babies to a Miscarriage.

The first was before our eldest, then we had 2 after, then our youngest was born then last year, about this time, we had a 3 month scan and we found it had died 2 weeks earlier. my wife had to pass it out at home which she did but she says she held the sack in her hand before getting rid. A few months later and we lose that one at 8 weeks - this was in October.

Just at the end of her bleeding, we have an argument and I cant remember what she said to trigger this but I said to her just go on the pill and stay on it. I had always said that if we lose this one that would be it for me as I was coming up 42. She got upset and went out for a drive.

The next week or so we never spoke about it. I so wanted to but I didn't and nor did she.

She suddenly wanted a dog and she then massively got into exercise.

After she announced the separation, she said that something in her mind changed massively after that night in October.. Maybe it was me taking away her choice for another baby? maybe it was all her I don't know but I am sure that from that night on, I didn't stand a chance. Sick thing is, I am real broody at the moment... lol

Going back to her childhood, she was hit by her father, made to feel second best to her brother, didn't get on with her stepmum, self harmed, craved her dads attention. then with the 6 Miscarriages including the 2 from last year, I am wondering if she may be suffering with PTSD.

I have spoken to a couple of friends who are doctors and they are not sure about PTSD but maybe there is an issue in her head but I looked on the NHS website for symptoms and most of them match.

She is however a good mother. Just not when she uses them against me.

p.s.. I have never raised a hand to her, I don't drink, I don't use drugs, I don't gamble I have never had an affair...

[Valixy]

I can't see your previous post anymore, but I'll post my reply anyway.

I know women who've had just one miscarriage and they were very affected by it for a long time. I couldn't possibly imagine what 6 miscarriages mean for a woman or for a couple. A lot of what's happening is because of that I suppose. It's really sad, I think she's traumatised and identifying the marriage with all those losses, physical and emotional sufferance. She wasn't the only one who got hurt, you did too of course, but she suffered it directly. Maybe she feels that by divorcing you, she will be able to put a lot of that behind her.

I think that you needed couple counselling years ago in order to face the pain you both had to go through and I think that you both could be positively influenced by individual counselling now, but there isn't much you can do for her if she refuses to communicate with you.

Your decision of not having another baby was the right one, both for you and her and the two children you have. You maybe didn't convey it to her in the best way that night, but sooner or later you were going to go through a major crises that has been built up during all these years.

I think that what happened to both of you in the 15 years of marriage would put a hard strain on any relationship. People are so vulnerable emotionally and 6 miscarriages must be very difficult to come to terms with and still enjoy your life with your partner, at least not without some professional help, good communication and a lot of patience.

I hope she'll be able to recover in time and you too, and if you don't succeed to find the love you used to have for one another, at least to succeed to be happy on your own. You should be careful though, because even if there is a good explanation for her behaviour, it can still affect you a lot during the break up, she could come up with more false accusations of you being physically abusive, etc. and you need to protect yourself against something like that. She's traumatised yes, but she could easily become your enemy, hopefully she won't.

[PWD]

About October..

In our time together, we have unfortunately lost 6 babies to a Miscarriage.

The first was before our eldest, then we had 2 after, then our youngest was born then last year, about this time, we had a 3 month scan and we found it had died 2 weeks earlier. my wife had to pass it out at home which she did but she says she held the sack in her hand before getting rid. A few months later and we lose that one at 8 weeks - this was in October.

Just at the end of her bleeding, we have an argument and I cant remember what she said to trigger this but I said to her just go on the pill and stay on it. I had always said that if we lose this one that would be it for me as I was coming up 42. She got upset and went out for a drive.

The next week or so we never spoke about it. I so wanted to but I didn't and nor did she.

She suddenly wanted a dog and she then massively got into exercise.

After she announced the separation, she said that something in her mind changed massively after that night in October.. Maybe it was me taking away her choice for another baby? maybe it was all her I don't know but I am sure that from that night on, I didn't stand a chance.

Going back to her childhood, she was hit by her father, made to feel second best to her brother, didn't get on with her stepmum, self harmed, craved her dads attention. then with the 6 Miscarriages including the 2 from last year, I am wondering if she may be suffering with PTSD.

I have spoken to a couple of friends who are doctors and they are not sure about PTSD but maybe there is an issue in her head but I looked on the NHS website for symptoms and most of them match.

[PWD]

ok, she has just picked up the kiddies. Just to update you.

We didn't speak much but she said that she is not interested in anyone else.

Also, when she got in the car, I said 'one thing..' and I looked her straight in the eyes..'I am truly sorry for my part in the break up. Hand on heart I am. I also forgive your dad. He just lost his temper but to you, I am truly sorry'.

It really looked like it affected her. She went very sad. Now that's either her thinking 'oh can we stop talking about it' or its her thinking 'Yeah, so am I. I don't like any of what is happening'.

I have no idea which but she looked very upset after I said that.

Was I right or wrong to say that?

[michelle23]

Your extremely emotional right now and I think you should take a step back. Is there anyone who can act as a go between for the kids until things calm down? I think seeing each other right now is too much for you and is giving you false hope. Your wife has a lot of issues, emotionally she is on a roller coaster and running away from your marriage is likely her way of trying to escape from her own inner trauma. Maybe some time apart (no contact) will open her eyes and make her realize shes making a mistake.

Sorry your in this situation. Its really tough but try to stay strong. The ball is in her court now so give it a few months and see if she changes her mind on her own. Dont sign any divorce papers right now. If she does come back tell her you want marriage counselling and she needs individual counselling too.

Getting the police involved and accusing you of abuse is wrong. Shes unstable and I wouldnt be forgiving that lightly. She needs to know you wont tolerate that and its unacceptable

[PWD]

Hi Michelle.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Means a lot it really does.

Just a little update, She called me about a couple of coats she needs. She is definitely communicating with me more. She said I can pop them over later. I still do not know where she lives but I know the house number and the village and the look of the flat as my daughter pointed it out to me... lol

Anyway, I will pop them over and just stay for a few minutes, say Hi to the kids then leave. I think I need to for both her and myself.

I am however, being VERY careful with what I say and I am not letting my guard down at all. I can't think of anything else she can throw at me and I don't think there will be but it will take a long time for the wall that has been built up to be broken down.