Advice needed: Does he want me back or am I being used?

[urbandecay]

I am so confused. I would really appreciate an impartial view on my issue.
So I met a guy on a night out who shall be known as A. We hit it off immediately and started dating. It was effortless. Every date was exciting and we just clicked and being with him felt completely natural, as though it was meant to be. Two months after we met we decided to sleep together and we did this on our first weekend away. Everything in my opinion was going well, until the next day when I felt he was being distant and a bit cold. This continued for a couple more days until I asked him straight was there something wrong. At this stage he accused me of reading a message on his phone and that I violated his trust. He also said that my work made me too busy for him. He asked me not to contact him again and shut down all communication with me. I was devastated. Not only did I feel used, but I was so hurt and angry that I was accused of something I would never and DID NOT DO!
A few days later he came back to me and suggested that we stay friends. As I am crazy about this boy I accepted. Again, we were talking everyday, obviously avoiding our past relationship and what had happened that weekend. The messages were firmly friendly. Anytime I suggested meeting again he said no. It would have to on his terms, his suggestion and in time. Whilst I hated being dictated to, and being punished, I obliged... and continued playing the friends game. Hoping that he would message me saying he missed me or even just to hang out as friends.
So five weeks post break up, I was still devastated, still yearning for him, hurting and so discontent with everything. I finally decided that I should get back into the dating game. I had a few dates with a couple of guys and one guy in particular ended up a recurring date. I felt more content than I did in weeks. I felt like I could talk to A again, and I felt the frostiness in our communication dissipate. Once more we were joking and being effortless with each other... still as friends.
Work got busy for me and I had a couple of away trips to do, which meant that I couldn’t communicate with A. A week went by without any communication and he messaged me saying that he missed me. He missed my body. I laughed it off and said he was sweet and ignored it. The next day he came back and said that he missed me. Again I ignored it talking to him as friends. I had not told him about me seeing the other guy, however I did suggest to him that I had slept with my new date and that I thought it was a shame how polite we were the our first time. To which I got the response... “Don’t worry about it, I forgot to say I would like to meet you again.” Happy at the news I suggested that we arrange something for the end of the week.
Since then I have received very flirtatious and at times explicit messages from A. I haven’t encouraged them but keep receiving them. Last week I was at the new dates house and A was texting me the really flirty messages. On his social media account there are quotes being posted like: “I will never forget our first kiss”, “ I hug my pillow at night because I miss you” or “i may flirt but I know who I want”. I ignored everything. Then I received a message from A suggesting we become friends with benefits. Friends who just hook up and if we got serious about anybody else, we could go back to being just friends. A couple of weeks ago I would have jumped at the chance. However, it left me feeling is that how little you think of me. I felt even more used and dirty. I thought he was joking so i never replied. But he kept asking for a decision. I never gave him one, instead suggesting we talk about it first. As I wasn’t sure if I should part ways with the new date (I would never cheat) and try to start a relationship with A., as I do still have very strong feeling for him. We decided that we would meet at the weekend and try it. From this point on it was old A and I. Everything felt 100% normal, flirting everything.
The morning of I received a message saying hello, followed an hour later by we can’t do tonight as he wants to wait a couple of weeks and he wasn’t in the mood. I felt dejected but got on with it. I was at the new dates house and I started receiving messages from A about how he was all alone and how he wanted me to join him. I ignored completely to receive an angry message at 4am to say why won’t I reply. The next day I just said I was out. Again the flirting started. I suggested we catch up and he said don’t push it!! Like me suggesting coffee was me doing something appalling. Which infuriated me as he is domineering I cannot mention meeting up as friends without being condemned as being an annoyance.
Yesterday I was seeing my date guy. Again A was sending the flirty messages. Followed by one of send me a naked picture. I would never do such a thing for my own self respect. I ignored this message and got on with my evening. This morning I text A to see how he was and I was greeted by the grumpiest reply saying how he was annoyed at me for not replying. That I should tell him where I am and if I am busy. I just replied saying that I don’t have to check in with him all the time and he was being immature and he has no reason to be annoyed... after all it is me who should be having been asked to send pictures, being propositioned as his sex buddy and his completely irrational behaviour towards me.
Long story short... I am very confused by A. I cannot decide whether he is flirting because he wants me back (as I would love it if he does) or if he is using me. I can’t cut contact with him, as the thought alone makes by heart break a little. However he is a daily distraction, emotional devastation and irritation all at once. He makes me feel so bad about myself. I cannot suggest meeting him or put any side of my argument across without being punished or shouted at. But when we are being normal, he makes me so very happy. I know in my heart and head staying friends might not work as I will always want more. But I just cannot work out what his intentions are.

[ihaveaquestion]

Eww. He sounds like he is a huge emotional drain on you. I understand he may be special in ways but please know that the way he is treating you isn't right. There are guys out there with much better qualities and all of the good things that he has, too. His bad moments just sound yuck to me.

If you want to keep him as a friend you have to mean it and forget about anything else. Blow off anything else. Be nice, not mean, but don't give in. Friendships are good. Find another way to please yourself. I promise, it is possible. Give it time if you want. Maybe in a year or more he will learn his lesson and grow up. Maybe then he might deserve you. I wouldn't waste your time getting emotionally involved right now though.

You can chose a superficial relationship with him right now if you want but you absolutely MUST do it knowing full well that you are doing it of your own choice and have absolutely no expectations of him. You put yourself there you get what you ask for. It might have its good moments but it likely won't fulfill any long term dreams.

[smackie9]

How the hell could this guy make you so happy when he is playing you, manipulating you, and rejecting you. Your feelings are clouding your better judgment...from my perspective I would have cut off all contact with him after that weekend away when he got all flaky on you. You are being a foolish twit for even giving this guy any of your time. It's quite possible he is dating other women like yourself that he can control and hoover back in when her feels like it. The absence and then just popping back in is a strong indicator that he is with more than one.

Give your head a shake, this guy is playing ya. If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. That's why you are here, because it doesn't.

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Eww. He sounds like he is a huge emotional drain on you. I understand he may be special in ways but please know that the way he is treating you isn't right. There are guys out there with much better qualities and all of the good things that he has, too. His bad moments just sound yuck to me.

If you want to keep him as a friend you have to mean it and forget about anything else. Blow off anything else. Be nice, not mean, but don't give in. Friendships are good. Find another way to please yourself. I promise, it is possible. Give it time if you want. Maybe in a year or more he will learn his lesson and grow up. Maybe then he might deserve you. I wouldn't waste your time getting emotionally involved right now though.

You can chose a superficial relationship with him right now if you want but you absolutely MUST do it knowing full well that you are doing it of your own choice and have absolutely no expectations of him. You put yourself there you get what you ask for. It might have its good moments but it likely won't fulfill any long term dreams.

This guy isn't worth friendship, he will only manipulate her at all costs. She needs to delete him from her life....he is a douche.

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So the obvious answer is yes, you are being used, especially if you have to ask strangers, you hope he isn't but he is....I confirm that he is.

[urbandecay]

Thank you for your opinions.

They echo what I know in my head to be true. Often I have thought that he was seeing other women... it was one of my differentials as to why he cut me off so abruptly.

I am not sure however why my heart cannot let go of him. I am exhausted of his constant presence in my thoughts and I feel like crying when I think of how frustrating he is to me.

I suppose I need to be brave and let him go. I cannot enjoy my new relationship as I feel he is always in the background teasing and playing with my emotions. My own work, social and personal life are all suffering because of him being a distraction.

[smackie9]

Well as the saying goes, we desire more what we can't have......and it can make up go crazy and do stupid things that we in our right mind wouldn't normally do. I was in a similar situation when I was 18. It took a long time to push him out of my mind. Looking back I was an idiot for even getting involved with that jackass. Oh well you live and learn.

[urbandecay]

Should I tell him how I feel one last time, like a last ditch attempt? Explaining myself and then giving him tough love. Either respect me or leave me alone. As I am so fed up of it.

I just want a clear cut answer from him. Either you want me or you don't. As I know 100% the only way I can move on is by leaving him in the past. But I cannot do this if I am hanging onto false hope.

[Wakeup]

You are being played and honed to be his **** buddy. If you are so desperate for this boys attention that you allow him to treat you like a second thought then just bite the bullet and ask him to come and do you and drop the bullshit.

If you're going to be in a sexual relationship based on nothing else but, then the least you can do for yourself is to take control of the situation and if he won't play to your demands then you dump him and find someone who will. It's how it works for players who play naïve and desperate chicks afterall.

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Should I tell him how I feel one last time, like a last ditch attempt? Explaining myself and then giving him tough love. Either respect me or leave me alone. As I am so fed up of it.

If you were confident and had good self-esteem, you'd just tell him "leave me alone" because you'd realize that you don't need some Enrique Suave playing you like you were a violin.

I just want a clear cut answer from him. Either you want me or you don't. As I know 100% the only way I can move on is by leaving him in the past. But I cannot do this if I am hanging onto false hope.

That's your problem. You HAVE a clear cut answer from him already (through the way he treats you) bust sadly you don't want to see that and would just like to keep hoping that he'll want you.

Listen: You don't want a boy like him. He's a player and you will be played even if he marries you.

[urbandecay]

You are being played and honed to be his **** buddy. If you are so desperate for this boys attention that you allow him to treat you like a second thought then just bite the bullet and ask him to come and do you and drop the bullshit.

If you're going to be in a sexual relationship based on nothing else but, then the least you can do for yourself is to take control of the situation and if he won't play to your demands then you dump him and find someone who will. It's how it works for players who play naïve and desperate chicks afterall.

Okay: that both stings but brings absolute clarity to the situation. I am not naive or desperate. As I said I have started a new relationship. I definetely do not want to have a relationship with him based on sex alone.

okay time to kick this guy to the curb!

[Wakeup]

Okay: that both stings but brings absolute clarity to the situation. I am not naive or desperate. As I said I have started a new relationship. I definetely do not want to have a relationship with him based on sex alone.

okay time to kick this guy to the curb!

Congratulations for taking back your personal power.

One more bit of advice: View yourself as the prize and you'll not even want boys who play what homey was playing. You'll laugh and you'll delete his ass because you'll immediately understand what he's trying on you.

Good luck in your next adventures in dating.

[smackie9]

Should I tell him how I feel one last time, like a last ditch attempt? Explaining myself and then giving him tough love. Either respect me or leave me alone. As I am so fed up of it.

I just want a clear cut answer from him. Either you want me or you don't. As I know 100% the only way I can move on is by leaving him in the past. But I cannot do this if I am hanging onto false hope.

You never will. And by asking will show him how weak and vulnerable you truly are, which is an open door for him to manipulate and play on you even more. Good god are you not listening to what we are telling you?? run away from this bastard as fast as you can.

[urbandecay]

I have just blocked him and deleted his number.

Goodbye dickhead

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Thank you all for your advice.

It just takes hearing this from external sources to know that the situation is hopeless and I am being used.

best wishes x