Let me just start by saying thank you in advance for taking the time to read this. I will in turn look at your posts and help in any way if I can. This is long but trust me I have pared it down to the basics. Thanks again!


To begin I will state where I currently am. I am 29 years old, never been married, no children. I live with my boyfriend of 1 and a half years. He is 35, never been married, no children. We met years ago when I was in high school but never became close friends. When I met up with him again as an adult I was in a relationship of 2 years with a man who had 2 children and I was incredibly unhappy. My partner (we will call him Alex) had become emotionally unavailable and he had cheated on me once. I was also struggling to take care of his children who were getting very hard for me to deal with. I was simply unhappy and I will take responsibility in that too. I met up with my current bf (we will call him David) because he was a music instructor and was giving lessons. David was pretty much the opposite of Alex. Romantic, sensitive and thoughtful. When I saw him again it was like love at first sight. I just knew that I was leaving Alex. KEEP in MIND that I had left the boyfriend (we can call him Jack) before Alex in just the same way. I was unhappy with Jack and I met Alex and left Jack to be with Alex then I met David and left Alex for David. Do you see the pattern? It's not good. I haven't been single long enough to reflect and know myself alone. I keep trying to get someone to save me. A knight in shining armor.

Now I am with David and I have never been this close with anyone, ever. I truly love him and have a lot invested in the relationship. My problem lies within him though and not myself as I have rectified most things that were perpetuating my unhappiness in past relationships. I love myself and have lots of hope, passion and drive for the future. I want to be as healthy as I can be, as successful as I can be, as strong and independent and I just want to get the most out of my short time here.

THE ISSUE: David uses/abuses drugs. I knew this from the beginning of the relationship. I used to have a serious problem with alcohol and was still struggling to overcome that when we met, however I DID! I also developed a taste for pain killers from two surgeries in the past. This is what David uses. He has arthritis and has had heart problems since he was a child so has had open heart surgery and lots of surgeries and procedures where medication was prescribed. He has prescriptions but also uses other sources to get more. I myself have become enveloped in this lifestyle as I have an addictive personality and feel inclined to use especially when it is so easily available. However, I am always so conflicted bc for me, its wrong and I know it. For him, he feels no shame or guilt about it and we both work so we have $ and never steal or borrow anything. He just feels justified and doesnt care what anyone thinks. I have tried to tell myself I will stop bc honestly I feel better sober than high most always. I just do it compulsively. He is completely dependent, I am not YET but I do go through moderate withdrawl when we binge. When it is always there I just can't say no. This is how I know I can't be around him. It is too hard to get clean if he is doing it. Plus he is too sugary sweet when he is on and very distant and lazy when he is off. In addition I am a very sexual and sensual person and if you know anything about opiates you know they kill your sex drive. When he is on he doesnt really have the drive, when he is off he is too sensitive. There really never is a good time. He never just seduces me, takes me passionately and makes love to me. He just doesnt have that in him. I need that. A lot, and this body is not gonna last forever. I am blessed physically and am very fit and attractive. He has gained over 25 lbs since we met, its like he doesnt care about it at all. I still find him very attractive because I love him and I love the way he looks its the idea that he just doesnt care too much about that that worries me. We have talked about children but will he even be around for them?

The reason I am really at a crossroads now is that two days ago I found out he was smoking heroin. This just takes it to a whole new level. I just dont want that around and I dont want any of it anymore. I know he wont stop. He may stop smoking it but he wont stop the pills, he needs them to function normally and feel happy. I can accept that but I dont want to continue to live like that. I know I will feel annoyed and resentful if he is still using, even if he doesnt do it in front of me and he just isnt the same without them, I accept that they are like his mental medication, they help him exist in this realm, keep him grounded and calm, im not gonna try to change that but I have to get away from it because its so against who I really am and where I want to be. So I know that I will have to leave. I am not going to find someone else and use them to escape again. I truly LOVE and RESPECT David. I want to be true to him. I want to leave with integrity and I dont want either of us to hurt too badly. We have planned to be old in rocking chairs together, we love eachothers family, we share everything and we have had a wonderful love. It is heartbreaking, sickening and scary for me to even write this. I am asking for others to share a plan with me. What would you do? I know I have to stop using anything. DONE. Not easy but done. I know I have to talk to him about how I feel in this. We share a car so I need to become more independent before I can go. I work at night so riding a bus is not an option. We dont own too much together so this wont be a huge problem. I just feel like it will be some time before I can just leave. We are supposed to move next summer, could I wait til then and just stay in our apartment and let him leave? What am I really even thinking? Its almost like I am just pretending. I almost know I cant leave but it will come to a point where I cant take it anymore and choose that option to find a knight in shining armor and then my integrity is shot. I need some solutions. Please help! Thanks you-