So I’m not an atheist yet but am not a Christian either. I’ve done investigation and am convinced that there are miracles, believe that prayer has power, and that there is some providential power greater than myself caring for me.
Well over the last two years, whatever Theism I embraced has been dwindling. I would rather there was no God than one like the one that is portrayed as punishing people for ever.
Would rather there was no God if God is the angry Czar who wills people should wail and gnash their teeth for eternity because of the mistakes they make in this brief life. Especially when we are so blinded and often just following our nature when we sin.
I know prayer has power and the people that loved me unconditionally and took me in were almost always Christian,. I'll never say "there is no God" because an insignificant speck of dust who has no authority to make such a declaration shouldn't.
If God would will that people would have to be tortured for eternity, why would the existence of such a God be a good thing, and why would I want to be in Heaven worshiping him for all eternity?More and more I'm beginning to hope Atheists are right. If God would will that people would have to be tortured for eternity, why would the existence of such a God be a good thing, and why would I want to be in Heaven worshiping him for all eternity?
I know that people tend to like to believe what is false. There is so much religious hysteria, propaganda, and fakery out there. However, I’ve done much research into the shroud of Turin, the Certified miracles at Lourdes France, the Miraculous Guadalupe Tilma, and the miracle of Fatima, and believe those are more than just stories, and many unbelievers and/or Scientists and Doctors who have investigated such things, have indeed converted.
However, I can find absolutely nothing rational or good about a God who could be so heartless as to burn in hell those who do not believe in him. Also, what makes me doubt the Christian faith is when I see these upright Christians so full of themselves, superficial, self-righteous, and judgmental, and nonChristians who excel in the greatest theological virtue “Charity” more than 95-99% of Christians.
The fact that Religion is so divided and a confusing mess tells me that God does a poor job of guiding and shepherding even those who have dedicated their lives to him/her.
If God is love as Scripture says he is, then many Atheists/agnostics must have God.
I was Catholic but now I'm a moral relativist. I cannot embrace rigid legalism and kill myself with guilt and shame and the constant fear of eternal damnation. This isn't limited to Catholicism which remains my favorite Religion and I still frequent the Sacrament of Confession which has clearly been proven effective in my life.
However, I cannot keep torturing an already fragile and disturbed mind with the belief that souls are going off to a place of eternal misery and torture forever and ever and ever. So many hours I spent weeping and begging God to just give me the grace to do his will and lead a soul away from this place of chronic and never ending torment. This worse nightmare that never ends.
I can't keep living in a dream world thinking that if I keep my heart pure and free of pride, lust, anger, covetousness, envy, laziness, selfishness, or disbelief, my prayers will have more power and I'll receive more grace from God. I can't keep living in a fantasy. If you can call a horrifying nightmare a fantasy.
Can't keep walking into work or a public place and thinking all these unbelievers and immoral people I'm looking at will be racked with pain forever and ever and ever. Can't keep thinking I am responsible in some way for their damnation because I have the truth and am not sharing it with them.
No more! I told God with screaming and weeping that he would lose me. I knew what I needed and asked in the name of Jesus, only to receive silence and confusion. No more. No more of this scrupulosity, delusions, and foolishness. I can't keep letting God do this to me. I can't keep letting my hopes get up and placing dangerous confidence in all these inspirations I think are from the Holy Spirit. Can't keep living with the feeling that I've written and am living a false narrative to empower myself and give me hope.
But I, an insignificant speck of dust cannot infallibly declare with certainty that God doesn’t exist but still know this Religion stuff was destroying me. Shame on you God!
That's me on a hike Yesterday April 14:
(I turned 27 April 11)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=2tqMz2RliN0