Recently divorced man who's confused...

[Canada Goose]

AnErin thank you for the advice.

It's odd that I don't feel a sense of "what I could have done differently" or things i could have changed... I felt more of a sense of failure.

Failure in the sense that I put my best foot forward and despite effort and the best of intentions it just never worked out...

Thank you for your post as it is sincerely appreciated.

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter good you are in a relationship, it still doesn't entitle you or guarantee to have it work. Sometimes people just want a change, it's not always about finding something "better" so stop beating yourself up over it.

[woody]

Woman here.

Goose, unfortunately and often many people of both sexes yearn for what they cannot have and once that is taken away and one becomes free and clear, the mystery is gone and they lose interest.
Good news?, consider it a screening device for unwanted relationships no matter how good they look in a skirt.

Bummer your heart is hurting a little but hey, take some time. You just got divorced. Reflect and embrace your new found singledom and don't allow those who just wish for a chase to tug at your heart strings. Hold out for quality.

and again, congrats on that screening device. Always beware of those who relish the chase but know not what to do once they have it.

[Canada Goose]

Many thanks for your advice.

You're right. I need to take my time.

Often times life moves so quickly and i'm often scared it might pass me by, it's for this reason that I need to stop and evaluate my decisions more often.

A relationship with her would most likely have proven disastrous and im happy I avoided it.

Thanks again!

[IMO]

Many thanks for your advice.

You're right. I need to take my time.

Often times life moves so quickly and i'm often scared it might pass me by, it's for this reason that I need to stop and evaluate my decisions more often.

A relationship with her would most likely have proven disastrous and im happy I avoided it.

Thanks again!

Hi. I hope you are doing better. I wanted to throw some insight in there as I am currently the woman in a very similar situation. My hope is that my story over the almost year may provide you insight for her. I do consider myself a little different because I have an uncanny way of understanding where other people are coming from. However, some times even understanding does not help minimize the hurt.

Last summer, I was friends with a couple who were struggling. The wife did somethings so immoral that I could no longer maintain our relationship and I was in the position to chose who I thought would make a better long term friend. She was emotionally abusive to him and I hoped that he and I could build a friendship (for the sake of the children who are also friends). It was a risk, but I knew I wanted nothing to do with her. She destroyed him, then toyed with him... all along just dragging it out and torturing this man. I helped and supported and listened as much as he would share.

Then one day, I realized my feelings were questionable as to whether or not they were still platonic. As a divorce' myself, I KNEW he had a long time to go before he would be able to offer his heart to me, if he were to ever be interested. I found myself struggling because once those feelings started, I was screwed and I KNEW IT. I used a few valid reasons and asked him to take the time to make sure he was ready to truly divorce and finish the process. They only thing to debate was the terms of the split custody they both agreed to. I needed the space (to be honest) to get a grip on my feelings that were far too soon. If I did not, the inevitable emotional roller coaster that he was oblivious to would have destroyed me. I was not willing to give myself permission to have feelings, but those darn things would not go away. The more I tried to suppress them, the stronger they got.

A few months later, still married, he showed up on my doorstep in the most vulnerable and hurt position I have ever seen. Of course, this was all around the holidays. He tried to reconcile, she strung him along.... the works. She finally left. Emotionally, I was doing ok, but I wanted to send him on his way to protect myself. However, he needed a friend and he felt I was the only one he could trust. I could not turn him away... he was hurting.

Over the last few months, what do you think happened to me? I have a whole heart, and he has just pieces left. I have fallen in love and try daily to suppress it. I slip up sometimes, but I know that we are no less than 6 months (probably much longer) before anything beyond a platonic relationship could even be attempted. The worst part is, it is painfully obviously that he BELIEVES he has feelings for me.

Less than a month ago, on a drunk night... we had a talk about feelings, initiated by him. I minimized my true feelings as to not scare him away, but he did not. That set my heart on turbo speed (no matter what I did to try to stop it) and he shut down and retreated. During this convo... we went from me dating to him telling me he would be jealous if I were to date, but he would never want to stop me. Recently, we had a talk about the talk that night. He shut down and shut me out. A day later, we clarified that he shut me out because he does BELIEVE he has feelings for me but he cannot offer me what I needed. Remember, I am still trying to get a grip on my feelings because he has a lot of healing to do and I will not be a rebound. Not if I want to keep him. So the only idea I could come up with is to continue dating. I can't seem to do it because I know it would hurt him. Yet, I feel that I need the distraction. Maybe dating someone who is emotionally available could be the right man for me. Certainly, it would provide me the emotional flattery and support that I am missing from my friendship with him. If I don't date, then I have ultimately decided to sit around and wait for someone whom may never love me. Talk about feeling like I am in between a rock and a hard spot. I am still working on making this decision as I do not want to hurt someone any more than he already is, yet I need to remember ME as well.

We do communicate relatively well. When he starts to tell me his feelings, I actually tell him not to. I know that at this stage in the divorce process, what he thinks he feels may change from moment to moment. I have known this the whole time. It still hurts sometimes, even though I have apparently decided to sign up for this roller coaster, cussing at myself the whole time. It's my choice and my own fault, not his.

As far as your lady, it seems like a little more clarification and understanding is required to really know what to do. I, personally, think she should have mentioned to you that she was dating. That could have been a "game" effort to make you jealous and realize that you care for her so you don't lose her. If that's the case, do you really want to start a new relationship like this? It could be that she thought that if she supported you the whole way, you would immediately be ready to love her and she was shocked that you still need time to heal. I believe that it could work out if both respect where each person is

Maybe the breakdown of my journey in this will help you realize a few directions that she might be feeling. Regardless, it sounds like you both could use a nice, honest conversation. Try to leave feelings of love out of it right now and discuss the friendship, trust, and what you both need out of the relationship for now. Maybe just that wonderful person to do things with, maybe more. But be careful to commit feelings too soon coming from you. One thing that my fellow has said to me, which I really like, is that he has a very strong emotional connection with me. He also makes a LOT of future plans and I seem to be in them for as far away as he can envision. That is enough for me (coupled with the clear love in the way he looks at me). Is it enough for her right now or do you really have more to offer? That is between the two of you. You both can google the emotional place of each of your position for guidance how to move forward and understand and respect each other, if you chose.

I hope this helps or at least broadens your visions. Good luck to both of you. ;-)

[IndiReloaded]

Divorce is not easy. You have a lot of healing to do. Don't worry about others. Take at least several months to relearn to enjoy all the beauty of the world and life. Most of all, be kind to yourself.