We're having "the talk" on Fri

[lostcareergirl]

Hi girls,

I hope you can give me some advice on this. Been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half year. Things have happened along the way which made me distrust him. He has tried hard to make up for that, and has been taken care of me after i underwent surgery, but still i dont manage to forget and forgive.
We lost intimacy when it come to sharing our inner thoughts. We've reached a point where I feel upset most of the time and he doesnt show his love no more. I love him but dont feel safe enough to share my feelings, dont want to feel disappointed again.
I gave him all at the beginning of the relationship, which he didnt as he had just ended a long-term one. So now I dont believe his feelings.
So we decided to sit down on Friday and either decide to move on and stay together or split up. I get nervous in these situations and dont focus on what I really wanna say.
Besides, I have all my life sorted (good job, house) and he is unemployed and not doing much to change that situation (lives like a teen). Deep down I had thought of getting married next year, since due to a medical condition I cant wait too long to have babies. And i love him, just dont know how to cope forgetting the past.

Thanks a lot, anything helps!

[smackie9]

The honeymoon stage of your relationship is over, and now you see the issues. You need better than this for a secure future. His lack of feelings for you, and lack of ambition means he has given up. Yes time is of the essence....you should breakup and find someone that is mentally, emotionally and finacially stable. The reality is that he is none of these, and in all seriousness you DON'T have time to be "waiting" for him to step up.

Tip: a relationship cannot survive on love alone.

[woody]

Okay. Hey, it is never easy getting over things that make us mistrust our significant others. One big lie, even eventually explained and sort of forgiven rears its ugly head from time to time. One or two lies make the truths all questionable and this again, is never easy to move on from.

BUT, if the love is strong, it is possible. You do yourself no favours by closing your doors and keeping your feelings to yourself. If you close off, he does too.
Don't allow past b.s dictate your happiness now, especially if you two have something special. You had medical issues and he has stayed by your side throughout it all which tells us he does love you; and in all likelihood, needs desperately for you to show him some emotion, something that tells him indubitably that you care deeply and are willing to forgive past mistakes, past mistakes made by both of you because hey, no one is perfect.

Never close the door on a good union. Everybody messes up sometimes. If he has closed off, perhaps (though only you and he truly know) perhaps it is because You have closed off and now, your both protecting your selves from each other when what's really needed here is a cure, like a hug and a good warm talk and some good old fashioned lovin.

Embrace. Ask yourself, can you really imagine your life without him in it? You'll find out more once you daydream about this.
good luck

[chinagirl]

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. I agree with Woody... Nobody's perfect. If you really love this guy, you need to talk it out with him and express exactly how you feel so he will understand where you are coming from. Love is a two way street... You need to give love to get love. If you shut yourself to him, the tendency is, he will turn cold on you.

You may not forget, but you need to forgive to be able to move on with this relationship. It's difficult to find the right person that you want to settle with in your life, and if you believe that this is the guy, talk to him from your heart.

[smackie9]

" he is unemployed and not doing much to change that situation (lives like a teen). "

Did you guys just skip over this??

[chinagirl]

Not a reason for a break up. First she talks to him and let him know her wants and needs, then take it from there. No reason to jump on the break up band wagon right away. Jeez...

[surfhb]

Assuming she's communicated what she wants in the past, it's a damn good reason

[somehelp4me]

If you can't forget and forgive, you lost trust and should take time apart or move on, imo.

[lostcareergirl]

Okay. Hey, it is never easy getting over things that make us mistrust our significant others. One big lie, even eventually explained and sort of forgiven rears its ugly head from time to time. One or two lies make the truths all questionable and this again, is never easy to move on from.

BUT, if the love is strong, it is possible. You do yourself no favours by closing your doors and keeping your feelings to yourself. If you close off, he does too.
Don't allow past b.s dictate your happiness now, especially if you two have something special. You had medical issues and he has stayed by your side throughout it all which tells us he does love you; and in all likelihood, needs desperately for you to show him some emotion, something that tells him indubitably that you care deeply and are willing to forgive past mistakes, past mistakes made by both of you because hey, no one is perfect.

Never close the door on a good union. Everybody messes up sometimes. If he has closed off, perhaps (though only you and he truly know) perhaps it is because You have closed off and now, your both protecting your selves from each other when what's really needed here is a cure, like a hug and a good warm talk and some good old fashioned lovin.

Embrace. Ask yourself, can you really imagine your life without him in it? You'll find out more once you daydream about this.
good luck

Thanks for your answer. I tend to close off when things go bad (relationships, friendship), I totally trust people, so when they make mistakes I feel betrayed. In this case, he met with his ex once, as she kept phoning him all the time. Told me months later (I asked) when this girl tried to contact me via facebook. But over time, he has showed he cares for me, and been patient even when I didnt show my love.

- - - Updated - - -

The honeymoon stage of your relationship is over, and now you see the issues. You need better than this for a secure future. His lack of feelings for you, and lack of ambition means he has given up. Yes time is of the essence....you should breakup and find someone that is mentally, emotionally and finacially stable. The reality is that he is none of these, and in all seriousness you DON'T have time to be "waiting" for him to step up.

Tip: a relationship cannot survive on love alone.

I think he's kind of depressed for being unemployed, and I havent been very supportive because Im always active and have two jobs and dont understand people that cant stand up for themselves. But yes, you're right that this attitude can be a problem in the long run...

- - - Updated - - -

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. I agree with Woody... Nobody's perfect. If you really love this guy, you need to talk it out with him and express exactly how you feel so he will understand where you are coming from. Love is a two way street... You need to give love to get love. If you shut yourself to him, the tendency is, he will turn cold on you.

You may not forget, but you need to forgive to be able to move on with this relationship. It's difficult to find the right person that you want to settle with in your life, and if you believe that this is the guy, talk to him from your heart.

Thanks, chinagirl. With other guys I always had the feeling that they were the one. With this one, I dont have the feeling, but he has proved to be more patient and loving with me... gosh, its difficult

[michelle23]

What is wrong with you people?

After 18 months (not a long time) hes made you f**king miserable. Do you want this for 20+years? It woukd be a huge mistake to stay with this guy. You cant trust him, hes brought you nothing but pain, hes lazy, lacks ambition, has no motivation. Why would you even consider having kids with this guy?

My only advice is to get out now.

[basilandthyme]

^ this. I'm with Michelle

[chinagirl]

What is wrong with you people?

After 18 months (not a long time) hes made you f**king miserable. Do you want this for 20+years? It woukd be a huge mistake to stay with this guy. You cant trust him, hes brought you nothing but pain, hes lazy, lacks ambition, has no motivation. Why would you even consider having kids with this guy?

My only advice is to get out now.

People make mistakes all the time... Does that mean you throw people on the curb every time they did something wrong??? No, or else you'll run out of relationship in your life. You talk it out with the person then see if you can forgive. That's what relationship is about. She even said it that she tend to close off when things go bad. That's not really good either. When you close off on someone, that person tends to shut off also in return to protect his/ her feeling. At some point in her life, she'll realize that she has to let go of her grudge with people. That's one way to have peace in life.

Where did it say that he made her miserable? He took care of her while she was recovering from surgery. She even said that he is very patient and loving towards her. The issue here really is him not having a job. That being said, she needs to let him know how she feels about him sitting at home and not working. If things don't change, then she can make a decision whether to stay or go. Apparently, she must love him enough to have tolerated it for 18 months.

Anyway, she said she feels that this guy is not for him. I wonder if that feeling would change once he gets a job.

[lostcareergirl]

Thanks to you all... Im more confused now, though. But you're totally right, chinagirl, I need to deal with my issues too, which are not making me happy at all.

[chinagirl]

And lostcareergirl, if you really can't stand the guy, let him go so he will have the opportunity to find someone who can accept and appreciate him.

[woody]

Dear O.P

There is nothing wrong with being the main bread winner so long as your other half keeps house. ie. you work all day so he cooks din din.

One question: Does he do the brunt of the household chores?

I must say though, I am confused as well. Is it your unsure of your heart or is it that mistrust issue that's got you feeling a little blue.

either way, sounds like you've got some serious soul searching to do. Do you love him? or do you tolerate him.

my sweetheart is what many would call a lazy person. But somehow things balance out.

I wish for you, balance too