Whats this about?

[Cryptic]

Well i'm not sure if i should ask here, or the general relationship advice section. But anyways... Whats is this about: Ive been with my GF for around a half year now, and it seems like when she visits me: She shows me that she is extremely bored, and like it was my fault and i had to entertain her - Then when i try to suggest something to do, its very hard because it seems like she doesn't want to do anything. She is not at this stage all the time, but might just suddenly go into it.

Also she is usually quite quiet, but blames me of not talking about things enough with her? what the heck, when we talk online, so i can actually see the conversation it looks like me talking to a wall (most of the text is by me)

So what's it about that i'm considered as some kinda entertainer, entertainer who doesn't do he's job properly?

That is how i feel sometimes.

[HeartIsAching]

Ask her.

She'll get defensive and deny it, but I'm willing to bet that she thinks you should get her 'hints' about what to do, and is mad that you're not able to read her mind.

[Cryptic]

Ask her.

She'll get defensive and deny it, but I'm willing to bet that she thinks you should get her 'hints' about what to do, and is mad that you're not able to read her mind.

Yeah i think its something like that... I actually just sent a message to her about some of this behavior. But she usually doesn't answer to whole messages but chooses something she can answer -_- or reverts it to be somehow my fault. For example i said something like: Well i usually am up to do stuff but you don't seem to get interested by anything or then you are always tired - She replied something alike " Well i'm always tired because you stay up too late so i can't sleep" And about that she earlier had said that i don't want to discuss anything with her, i just pointed out to her how many things i actually do want to discuss - then she said: Well i don't feel much like discussing because you overrule all my opinions ???

It seems like she always has some excuse to make me a bad person in this relationship, well i certainly am doing something wrong since she is like that. Also is it so that if i have once or twice been somehow non-nice person - then i have always been? It seems like if i been a prick couple times - then i have been prick forever, like everything nice was forgotten and it can be always used against me -_-

I didn't mean to rant this harsh here... it just came out...

[pcmaster]

She have took you for granted and her love is passive now. It takes a lot to break out of this stage. Either you keep spining wheel and do a lot of good things for her or back away from her, act just like her or stop doing things for her, communicate less etc. and hopw she will wake up and start to be girl she used to be. Your relationship might be already ended, who knows if he changes. But sure there is way how to change things. just dont expect anything fast.

[Cryptic]

She have took you for granted and her love is passive now. It takes a lot to break out of this stage. Either you keep spining wheel and do a lot of good things for her or back away from her, act just like her or stop doing things for her, communicate less etc. and hopw she will wake up and start to be girl she used to be. Your relationship might be already ended, who knows if he changes. But sure there is way how to change things. just dont expect anything fast.

Hmm, its not like i try to do lot of good things to her... Maybe sometimes i'm too nice - trying to make up for when i have been "too angry" at her. But anyways the point was i have this feeling that women always need to be entertained, but then almost anything isn't fine... Unless you drag it in front of her eyes then it actually might be fun to do after all... Its just hard to be a mind reader 24/7

Of course, sometimes she actually does understand these issues later on when i have told her about it...

I feel bit dumb now for writing about my personal stuff in the internet but i just had this moment that i needed to write it out... And i was interested what some woman would actually tell me this is about?

I just want to say, of course she is nice sometimes too. I don't want to sound too much of a martyr here, and i know the fault is part mine too - But i just don't understand that why women must tease men with these "You don't provide me good enough entertainment" things.

I think the right decision is here could be to have a long serious talk about this with her.

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah i think its something like that... I actually just sent a message to her about some of this behavior. But she usually doesn't answer to whole messages but chooses something she can answer -_- or reverts it to be somehow my fault.

Couple of things here - First, what's she's doing is displaying classic passive-aggressive and controlling behavior. She's turning it around on you so you will think it's your fault.

Some of it may BE your fault and you should own your mistakes and move on... but the stuff that's really hers she should own too. I suggest your use an "I Statement" and talk about your feelings on the subject IN PERSON or at least on the phone, as there's no getting nuance/tone of voice over text or email:

http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html

If you use it properly as laid out in that link, it's impossible to argue with - there's no dictating someone else' feelings: She cannot tell you what to feel, or that your feelings aren't valid. They are what they are.

I would also encourage you to engage in direct communication with her regarding what she wants to do, the next time she expresses her dissatisfaction - ask her DIRECTLY what she wants. Ask her what she wants to do, and ask her directly what she wants to do to correct the problem.

[Cryptic]

Yeah, i actually do like to discuss in person for that reason. I just always don't have that opportunity when something is needed to be discussed - also, in person she sometimes tends to go in "silent mode" too when something serious is discussed...

Btw interesting remark, i actually thing she is in a way using controlling behavior here. Usually only men are blamed with this, because we tend to be more straightforward with it.

[HeartIsAching]

Nope. Controlling behavior is in no way limited to or even biased towards men. Women are just as guilty of it as we are.

And there's no question in my mind that she is using it, from your description.

[Cryptic]

And btw, when she is in that state looking like "I'm bored why aren't you entertaining me" and i ask "what you want to do?" she says "I don't know" ... So that leaves me with trying to suggest all kinds of stuff but she just might move her shoulders (i don't know whats the correct word for that gesture in english) but yeah, always she doesn't even say does she want to do something, or what she wants to do - she just makes an emotion of "i dunno" and makes the situation as if i were responsible of all the possible happiness and unhappiness in this relationship. And as i said, of course she is not always like that, but sadly too often.

Oh yeah, i didn't mention our ages... Well i don't want to tell exactly but lets say we inside the age pool of 18-25.

[HeartIsAching]

In English = shrug.

[michelle23]

I couldnt deal with this passive aggressive BS. Shes either dropping you a hint that shes unhappy and doesn't want to be with you or shes looking for a fight and drama.

You should stand up for yourself now during the early days because if you let her disrespect you like this, it will only get worse. Tell her straight that she needs to grow up and stop this or she can get lost coz your not walking ob eggshells for any woman.

Stop being a wimp. Nobody should tolerate this type of behavior.

[Cryptic]

I couldnt deal with this passive aggressive BS. Shes either dropping you a hint that shes unhappy and doesn't want to be with you or shes looking for a fight and drama.

You should stand up for yourself now during the early days because if you let her disrespect you like this, it will only get worse. Tell her straight that she needs to grow up and stop this or she can get lost coz your not walking ob eggshells for any woman.

Stop being a wimp. Nobody should tolerate this type of behavior.

I'm not intending to be a wimp, sometimes i have stand my ground even too much... And now she uses that as an advantage... Or then it is really an issue, but i have already apologized my bad behavior. I'm not violent, but she told me i seemed like i could be when i may have "over reacted" for some stuff i didn't like... Feels like now she wants to punish me for those couple times i yelled at her. (apparently it was pretty scary, but i didn't know because i'm used to that kinda stuff)

But tbh, the strange part is that she has been doing this from about... Right from the beginning... She doesn't want fights at least i think she doesn't... and she claims she doesn't. I dunno, i will have to talk about this more with her - its just frustrating if i do most of the talking...

[michelle23]

Shouting is also unacceptable. It sounds like you both have more maturing to do. In 6years my bf has never shouted at me or swore at me. And I am in your age bracket-so is he

[Cryptic]

That is weird, i have seen people yelling around me everywhere... And acting violent too, but i guess you have nice thing going on then

I want to add that, when people are shouting - its usually because they feel like they haven't been heard... No one has been listening to them, so they have to get themselves heard by yelling. I don't mean that it is the right solution, and especially in this relationship i'm of course avoiding it as it does bad.

But i just mean, with some people you "have to" sometimes yell at them, so they will stop and listen to you. Depends on which kind of people we are talking about, i know very much different kinds of people... also very strange ones...

[edwardsla]

My ex used to yell at me but I wouldnt take it unless I deserved it or I was taking the higher road