I feel hopeless. I need advice

[moonstruck]

My bf and I have been together for 21/2 years now counting one small break we took last summer.
He broke up with me because he was stressed about work and other things he has going on in his life and I saw someone else during our short break. Huge mistake! I slept with the guy and it really tore my bf up, but he took me back luckily.

It has been 9 months since we have been back together. Last night he told me that he has not been able to get the thought of me sleeping with someone else out of his mind, and that he is not sure that we can stay together. Mind you he is NOT blaming me, yelling at me, or anything. He says that he perfectly understands why I did what I did and that it is essentially his fault for breaking up with me in the first place. Now that is not true! Its my fault.

I am completely blind sided! We had always talked about getting married and I could have sworn that was where we were heading. I would have bet my life on it before last night. He said he never brought it up because he wanted to see if he could get over it on his own before he involved me but he has been unsuccessful obviously!
I feel hopeless!! Because it seems that there is nothing I can do!

We decided that we would continue our relationship and he would try to get over it. He said it was possible though not probable. He's a great guy and I don't want to loose him. He says he still loves me, but as he is fond of saying "Love brings us together but happiness keeps us together," He is wise and also I should mention 12 years my senior.

[KingZ]

How old are both of you? Do you live together? If so, how long have you been living together?

[moonstruck]

How old are both of you? Do you live together? If so, how long have you been living together?

I am 23 and he is 35. We don't live together yet but were planning on it in the next year, but he told me that he can't see that happening now. He's not ready.

[smackie9]

Hah he says he's not ready....darlin he never was. He needed a break not because of stress at work or whatever bs he was feeding ya, he was having doubts about his decision to have a future with you. 2 1/2 years and he's still dragging his feet.

Me, I suspect he is trying to get you to breakup with him. No man that is in love would ever say "it's possible, but not probable." That's like saying it could work, but there's no hope.

I know your decision is to stick it out. best of luck.

[searock]

Age gap is way too big. Break up and find someone closer to your own age.

[Cryptic]

Well its not all about the age, but i got to say the age gap here is more than 10 years... And i'm wondering why women so often get on relationship with so much older men? after all its better if age gap isn't over 5 years. Once i was with woman who was almost 9 years older than me, but i quickly saw it wouldn't work - that was also partially because she did have some mental issues that made it almost impossible to be with her in my opinion.

Of course huge age gaps can work out too, but i guess you could be in quite much different stages in your life? 23 and 35... that can be much of a difference.

[searock]

Yes, it's not the age gap per se, it's their specific ages. Way too different stages of their lives.

[edwardsla]

I think that you just need to give him some time to adjust to everything

[moonstruck]

Hah he says he's not ready....darlin he never was. He needed a break not because of stress at work or whatever bs he was feeding ya, he was having doubts about his decision to have a future with you. 2 1/2 years and he's still dragging his feet.

Me, I suspect he is trying to get you to breakup with him. No man that is in love would ever say "it's possible, but not probable." That's like saying it could work, but there's no hope.

I know your decision is to stick it out. best of luck.

Thank you. Yea the 'It's possible, but not probable" Was one of the most painful statements he's ever said to me.
UGH so overwhelming. He is so straight forward and blunt so I don't see where his behavior is coming from. I cant imagine him holding on to this for 9 months and not telling me. It certainly would not be able to hold on to pain like that without expressing it.

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I think that you just need to give him some time to adjust to everything

I pray your right. He's all I want

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Well its not all about the age, but i got to say the age gap here is more than 10 years... And i'm wondering why women so often get on relationship with so much older men? after all its better if age gap isn't over 5 years. Once i was with woman who was almost 9 years older than me, but i quickly saw it wouldn't work - that was also partially because she did have some mental issues that made it almost impossible to be with her in my opinion.

Of course huge age gaps can work out too, but i guess you could be in quite much different stages in your life? 23 and 35... that can be much of a difference.

I'm in a different stage of my life than most guys my age are. I'm not looking for casual relationships, or hook ups. I wanted an still do want a serious relationship. Of course I only want it with the guy I'm with. And for a while he wanted the same thing. He has a 12 year old daughter and he finally wanted to create the solid home she had never had because of him and his ex wife's divorce. We seriously spoke of marriage, I became close with his daughter and I knew I would spend my life with him. That's part of the reason I am attracted to older men, but to be fair I didn't know how old he was when we first started dating. He's 35 but he looks like he's my age. Him being older was just a huge treat!

[Cryptic]

Suit yourself, but i'm 21 and i'm all for serious relationships... But yeah you said "most" i don't know about "most guys" then. They probably aren't as serious as i am. (Of this age)

[moonstruck]

Suit yourself, but i'm 21 and i'm all for serious relationships... But yeah you said "most" i don't know about "most guys" then. They probably aren't as serious as i am. (Of this age)

That's totally true. Most guys around our age are still "teenagers" lol

[michelle23]

Theres plenty of serious guys our age looking to settle down. Im with my bf since I was 19 and he was 20. Were 24 and 25 now and planning a future. There are no doubts. I think you have already wasted too much time on this man. The reason he went out with a much younger woman in the first place is because he fears commitment. Now you want it so hes bailing out.

Sorry your hurt but seriously you can do better than this

[edwardsla]

I agree with michelle you are worth so muchhhh moreeee

[smackie9]

The writing is on the wall, he ain't adjusting to anything. It's 9 months now, and he comes forward telling you this? I still think it's a bs excuse, there is something else he has an interest in, and you boinkin some guy on a break was just an easy grab to get the ball rolling to get you out of the picture. He's jerkin ya around. It's obvious his plans have changed. He doesn't want a life with you, I doubt he is even ready to go through that again, maybe doesn't want to go through it again. It's quite possible he is done with marriage for awhile. You were possibly a rebound.

[moonstruck]

The writing is on the wall, he ain't adjusting to anything. It's 9 months now, and he comes forward telling you this? I still think it's a bs excuse, there is something else he has an interest in, and you boinkin some guy on a break was just an easy grab to get the ball rolling to get you out of the picture. He's jerkin ya around. It's obvious his plans have changed. He doesn't want a life with you, I doubt he is even ready to go through that again, maybe doesn't want to go through it again. It's quite possible he is done with marriage for awhile. You were possibly a rebound.

Part of your point sort of scares me. It really is unlike him to hold on to something for that long without telling me, but at the same time as long as I've known him I've never caught him in a lie. He's quite honest. Sometimes too honest. Idk.
But as far as the rebound thing goes he was divorced 10 years before he met me. And hadn't had any relationships right before me.

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I guess(I know) that part of the problem is that he has me wrapped around his freaking finger. And I know he hasn't forgiven me for sleeping with that guy on that break. He told me the problem is that his woman is supposed to be 100% his woman. And I am! But he still sees what I did as cheating. No other nan is supposed to touch me. But you can't send your woman away and still have a "claim" on her. Part of me likes that possessiveness and I float in the fact that I'm so his but NOT when it ruins our relationship! Can't he see that I adore and worship him? I treat him like he's a freaking king. Ugh. So much stress.