Not Getting Much In Return

[cactusvine]

I have a girlfriend issue, big time, and I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to proceed with my life.

We've been together for almost six years. She has two kids, from two seperate marriages. The first one fell apart almost immediately and she was left alone to raise her kid. I kind of made the second one fall apart. She was abused physically by her ex.

We hit it off in every way, but one problem has been standing in the way and here's where I need your input and insight based on your experience.

She moved in with debt, but she still owned half the house she had moved out of. The loans for the house were under her name because the ex lost his job, stopped working, and started drinking.

I helped her out a lot, meaning I actually helped her pay her debt, restructure the loans, and at one point I even got myself in trouble.

Financially things got so difficult that I lost my savings, my car, and got myself into debt. Stupid you say? Well, not entirely. You see, there was a court case and she was supposed to get money for her part of the house. Problem is, that took six years. Court case is over, but the court gave her ex an additional six months to save up to pay her. He won't pay anyway, I know it.

Anyway, I basically decided to leave the country and move. I wanted to fix our finances and star things over. Things did not turn out as I'd expected. Anyway, I do work now and I send her money every week, more than a third of my salary.

Things were good relationship wise, sex has been good, but one thing just bothers me and I'm starting to see it a lot more now. She really does nothing for me.

Once I needed her to send me a CD. I knew she had very little money, but she didn't even try.

Next thing I wanted was for her to send me some clothes and other personal belongings. I now know that unless I push, she'll never send it. I just went out and bought what I needed myself. The reason is that I only took a carry-on with me when I left so I really didn't have much stuff.

I wanted us to meet, so a couple of months ago I bought her and her daughter plane tickets to come and visit me. She did bring me a sweater and a pair of pants, I admit.

Now, the job I have is pretty low-end. I'm working towards getting a better job, but it always seems like it's ME that has to do something to improve the situation. I do love her, but I am frankly getting sick of it. I feel like her monkey wrench. Kids aren't pulling their weight either and she's just too lenient with them.

I have really sacrificed a lot. I don't even talk to my parents anymore because they've said some really nasty things about her. In fact, I don't talk to most of my family now.

Now there are a couple of things that bother me.

There was a point when after I'd left and had trouble with finding work and then the job I found was horrible and I quit. I told her I might have to comeback and that it would be difficult but at least we'd be together. She started saying she was going to kill herself, seriously.

I was talking to her recently and asked her about vacation plans it seems like I will have to do all the planning (and obviously paying). The vacation would be nothing fancy, I'd just get a week off of work to go and visit her.

Generally the relationship is fine, but honestly I feel like I am being used.

My best friend told me that I should just stop sending money and see what happens then. I mean, she would tell me over the phone to ask my employer for a raise. She would do it in a nice way of course and make a kind of joke out of it, but still. She could also go and ask her employer for a raise, she could do everything possible to move to a much smaller apartment to pay less.

I would, but my employer is awesome, and I know that he's not even breaking even at this moment so it would just be wrong for me to ask for more. He's pretty generous as it is.

I really need your insight on this ladies, please help.

Oh, I have posted this on a male-dominated forum and got slaughtered for being a "beta" male and they all told me to run for the hills. I would like to save the relationship, but maybe you might see something I am not seeing.

[basilandthyme]

I'm a woman and I'm going to tell you to run for the hills. Sounds to me like she's only interested in your money

[Boisdevie]

You came to her rescue. How nice. And she emptied your bank account. Leave. NOW.

[edwardsla]

From a female perspective,, shes using you but it could cause trauma to the kids if youve been around them for the majority of their lives.

[smackie9]

Please read this article, I think this will shed some light on your situation :


http://www.loveforum.net/threads/26633-Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome

- - - Updated - - -

Your friend's idea is atrocious. Your problem is, is that you have no balls to talk to her about making some changes. You have been supporting this woman and her kids for 6 years. It would be very cruel of you to just cut her off like that. You need to communicate with her your thoughts, your feelings, and expectations. Prepare her for the changes to come, and the need for her to work with you on this. If this has her searching for a new shlep to feed off of, you will know there is nothing you could have done to save this relationship and that you are better off without her.

[cactusvine]

Your friend's idea is atrocious. Your problem is, is that you have no balls to talk to her about making some changes. You have been supporting this woman and her kids for 6 years. It would be very cruel of you to just cut her off like that. You need to communicate with her your thoughts, your feelings, and expectations. Prepare her for the changes to come, and the need for her to work with you on this. If this has her searching for a new shlep to feed off of, you will know there is nothing you could have done to save this relationship and that you are better off without her.

I spent twenty minutes writing my last post and then the system asked me to log in and Iost everything.

1. I agree, my friend's idea is atrocious.
2. I do have the balls to ask her to start making changes. The problem is, her salary is equal to the rent she's paying. The child support payments cover food, but there's a lot of debt and payments in arrears.

I am, in part, also responsible for the situation as I had continually made bad financial decisions. There's a saying that says a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Since 2009, I had continually made my decisions based on the thought "The case will be over soon, she's going to get her money back." With those thoughts I:

1. Went on vacation abroad with her
2. Held on to my car (the one I had when we'd met) even thought logic clearly said I need to get rid of it
3. Got another car when one of my customers offered to pay me for services for one year in advance (which I sold before I left)
4. Stopped paying off my two loans, which were totally managable with the income/expenses I'd had when I was single, and started helping her out.

I have to be honest with you, there really isn't much room for her to save money. She's had to borrow so that she could have money for food.

As far as changes go, what kind of changes?

[rest77]

She is lucky to have you caring and financially supporting her with her two kids. Since you love her, talk to her and let her know where she is not meeting your needs.

[chinagirl]

Cut on expenses, tell her to get a second job. I don't know how old her kids are but they have to put more effort into helping their mother so that their mother can work a second and third job if necessary.

Tell her also that you expect her to do more for you since you've done a lot for her and her children. If she can't comply, let her know that that will put a big dent in your relationship.

Make sure she is aware of all of your expectations.

[apier]

have you tried talking to her about how you feel? sometimes men assume women can tell they are not happy when in fact we can't