I'm destroying my relationship

[asdfgh]

I have a beautiful girlfriend and due to my jealousy and insecurities I think I'm going to lose her.
We have been together for almost 4 years, we are both 27 years old.

I seem to want her all to myself, when she goes out with friends I get so worked up and on edge about it, I dread what will happen whilst she is out, then fear that she won't tell me because she knows how I am.
I have an awful lot of love for her and I I fear the worst in everything, she is more happy go lucky, doesn't want to see me all the time, wants to spend time with her friends without me.

I know the way I am is wrong but I can't help it or control it, I'm always trying to prevent things from happening that will cause me distress, she is so close to going and that will destroy me.

I start my first counselling section next week and iv even looked into hypnotherapy
I really dislike the person I am but I can't help it

Any advice would be greatly appritiated

[smackie9]

Possibly start of a mental disorder and you might need anti-anxiety medication. I know a few that had to do drug therapy later on in life because it got so bad. The results were amazing, and were happier for it.

In the mean time, you need to enhance your life with new friends, and find things you like to do. The reality of it is if you want a healthy relationship with your GF you need to have a life outside the relationship to do your own thing, have your own friends, and interests.

[TheEvilJester]

There isn't much advice we need to give you. It sounds like you are mature and adult enough to realize you have a problem and seek help in getting over it. It is way too often that we men get all that macho crap in our heads that we shouldn't need help. (Not that women don't do the same thing, but men especially.) Frankly, that is just stupid. We all need help sometimes. I have to admit that I am often guilty of that too, though.

As it is, I would agree with smackie's advice. Take up some of your own hobbies, or meet some of your own friends. It is okay to want to be with somebody all the time, but it is also important to want some time to yourself now and then. That is important in any relationship. It is a difficult balancing act. If you spend too much time together, sometimes that hinders the relationship. If you don't spend enough time together, then why even be in a relationship at all?

But, if you have some of your own stuff to do you will start to realize you don't need to feel jealous, or want her all to yourself. You'll have your own thing going on, so it will be fine for her to as well. Just be sure you don't go the complete 180 and never really spend any time together at all. Good luck with your therapy. Hopefully that will help you a great deal as well.

[asdfgh]

This has been going on for quite a while now.

Yes I agree, in most cases like this people don't realise what they are doing and don't see what they are doing is wrong, were as I do....
But in a way that makes me feel WORSE because I know that I'm in the wrong.

Has anyone experienced or know of anyone were counselling or hypnotherapy works

[lalalita]

Maybe the problem here doesn't lie completely with you. Perhaps you two are just incompatible. "Doesn't want to see me all the time", "Wants to spend time with friends without me". You two may just have two different ideas of what a relationship is.

[michelle23]

This is anxiety. I went through something very similar after losing a close relative to cancer. I was full of fear, doubts, insecurity and terrified of losing someone else-especially my bf. If you cant break this negative cycle on your own then you need therapy. Good luck

[woody]

I have had the same problem (uber jelly) in my past; and this jealousy issue has nearly ripped my most important relationship apart. It also confused me because when I was young and dating a lovely young man, very handsome, ladies always hitting on him, not once did I suspect foul play. Yet years later with another person, it would rear its ugly head; so I assumed there was something to it.
Well, there wasn't.
I did seek out therapy of sorts and yes it does help. So do the anti anxiety meds.

Jealousy drains the energy out of an otherwise good relationship.
The heart thumps, the blood seems to boil, the eyes see red. Not good, not good at all.

But you sound like you've got a grip here; you recognize the problem and are being pro active. I agree with the what others say about getting some hobbies which will induce a better understanding of self worth.
and breath man, breath through the doubts. You must relax when this happens. It is natural and good for couples to have friends; it is normal.

therapy helps
good luck to you.

[asdfgh]

I am itching to start therapy,
I will be honest im not hopeful that it will work, BUT i'm willing to give anything a try. I wouldn't say that i have a grip, i just realise what is obvious.

The comment made by lalalita is spot on "Maybe the problem here doesn't lie completely with you. Perhaps you two are just incompatible. "Doesn't want to see me all the time", "Wants to spend time with friends without me". You two may just have two different ideas of what a relationship is."

I feel trapped, scared lonely and afraid ALL the time that my worst fear could become reality. She will leave be and be happier

[surfhb]

First thing to do is change you're attitude on therapy. Go in knowing you're taking steps in improving who you are......a very manly thing to do I might add. Good luck! You'll be fine

[pcmaster]

You are only lowering your value with being jealous. Also you should have some friends to go out with too. Thats healthy you know, might lower your jealousy(and increase hers).
Anyway way to go man on taking steps to solve a problem. Relationship can still be saved.

This might help

[asdfgh]

Yes that's what u will do, I will try and have a positive attitude about therapy, you are right.

I spent hours last night lying in bed in the darkness just almost staring into space, thinking about all the negative things that have happened between us over the years. It's such a mess, thinking how can I forget about this... And what happened that night when I wasn't there, I see pictures of when she's been out and it makes me feel sick.

It goes round and round in my head and it's the "not knowing" that is my fear...

It brings me to tears

[lalalita]

I am itching to start therapy,
I will be honest im not hopeful that it will work, BUT i'm willing to give anything a try. I wouldn't say that i have a grip, i just realise what is obvious.

The comment made by lalalita is spot on "Maybe the problem here doesn't lie completely with you. Perhaps you two are just incompatible. "Doesn't want to see me all the time", "Wants to spend time with friends without me". You two may just have two different ideas of what a relationship is."

I feel trapped, scared lonely and afraid ALL the time that my worst fear could become reality. She will leave be and be happier

I'll tell you a personal story.

For years, I was told by multiple men that I was "clingy" and "jealous" and to "stop being ridiculous" and "just stop" doing this and that. It took me many years, and many men, to realize that I am not clingy. Nor am I jealous. I was dating incompatible men. Men who had very different ideals and values. For years I felt like I was not good enough and "crazy" for feeling the things I was feeling. To them, seeing me once a week and having loads of female friends they spent more time with was perfectly normal behavior and I was the one being difficult.

I am with a wonderful man now. We spend loads and loads of time together, are always in contact, have the same views on what is inappropriate, etc. We have the same needs, so he meets me needs perfectly. And guess what? I no longer feel "clingy" or "jealous". The problem did not lie with me.

[asdfgh]

I'll tell you a personal story.

For years, I was told by multiple men that I was "clingy" and "jealous" and to "stop being ridiculous" and "just stop" doing this and that. It took me many years, and many men, to realize that I am not clingy. Nor am I jealous. I was dating incompatible men. Men who had very different ideals and values. For years I felt like I was not good enough and "crazy" for feeling the things I was feeling. To them, seeing me once a week and having loads of female friends they spent more time with was perfectly normal behavior and I was the one being difficult.

I am with a wonderful man now. We spend loads and loads of time together, are always in contact, have the same views on what is inappropriate, etc. We have the same needs, so he meets me needs perfectly. And guess what? I no longer feel "clingy" or "jealous". The problem did not lie with me.

It's nice to know that there are women out there who feel the same as I do.
I mean don't get me wrong, my GF does spend time with me but she says and I also believe that she just does it to save on the argument or the hassle.
I work in a call centre with many people and as I'm a team leader I spend a lot of time talking to each me ever of staff...
The other day I got talking to a man and he seemed stressed, I asked what was wrong and he said it was his GF.

He explained to me that she basically "does everything that I do to my GF" (I obviously didn't tell my colleague" I was the EXACT same as his GF)


Ring, text, always checking up, paranoid, on edge, EVERY SINGLE THING he told me what she was like and how she was with him was the same as I am. So I did find it somewhat comforting to know that I wasn't alone in the world like this
On the other hand seeing how he was upset me because that's how my GF must feel.

I really don't want to loose her.