What now?

[anonymous1986]

Settle in reader, this is a big one.

When I was 19 I unwittingly embarked upon a relationship with someone who I now know suffers from diagnosed schizophrenia and also sociopathy. Initially it was the most flattering experience of my life, albeit also a stifling experience. Throughout the seven years we were together my friends were slowly turned against me by his sociopathic ways; and I truly forgot who I was. I only realised he was a sociopath through and through very recently after reading up about various disorders.

I split up with him last July; and got an apartment of my own last August.

Of course, all I'd really known all my adult life was this sociopath, and seen all my friends and indeed even some of my family turn away from me due to the smear campaign that had been going on behind my back for the best part of my adult life. I had spent a large portion of my relationship with him convincing myself that it was my fault and I was a bad person, living in the shadow of a great man. Like I say, I only established very recently (last few days) that he is a sociopath - I had no idea what one was or how to identify one until reading a litany of literature on the subject and similiar subjects recently.

What spurred me to do this? Well.

So last August I get a cosy apartment to myself, and visit the local gay bar for the first time in the best part of a decade.

Confidence shattered, unemployed, despondent, lonely, but with a chipper exterior and an intent to rebuild and move up in my life; one key component of which is of course meeting new people. It's not like I had any friends left after the sociopath had done his business. Except one. He's a good bloke. True friends and all that.

Anyway, yeah so first time down there in nigh on a decade and I'm ready to go home with the prevailing thought "I'm not a teenager any more, this is a pathetic cesspit." Someone tells me if I have a little faith I'll have a good night so I go back in for one more and someone I've never met before taps me on the shoulder and offers to buy me a drink. Good looking, nice foreign accent, snappy dresser, sure, why not. Only a bit of fun, after all, right?

Heh. Well what ensued after that was the most life affirming, confidence building, magical experience of my life.

He took me home, and didn't invite me in, telling me it was more important to him that he could see me again. Wow. We hadn't even had a comprehensible conversation; it was 3AM and the typical levels of inebriation applied

We saw each other every single day for six or seven months; I wasn't looking for anything remotely serious but what came my way slowly but surely blew my mind.

Why? Well. He introduced me to his friends. They all really liked me, we drank and got on brilliantly, not a bad word to be said. He came out to his sister and introduced me to her; same, we get on brilliantly. He brought his mother over here from her home country and when he initially came out to her, her response was "So have you gone to see a psychiatrist?"; within two months not only was she accepting of his sexuality but also giving me the traditional European kisses on the cheeks greeting...

I'd not had this ever before, because my ex had unwittingly but surgically turned all of those who I came into contact with against me, ensuring he was the only one I had in my life. Having it shown to you that you are actually a perfectly normal, nice, and acceptable human being after that is an amazing feeling.

Everything was going absolutely fine; we'd not had a single bad word to say about each other for seven months, but a couple of weeks ago everytying changed.

He'd been planning on moving in with me, but decided late the evening before move in day he didn't want to; he values his personal space too much.
He decides we're spending too much time together.
He decides he doesn't like to be touched in bed.
He decides I'm overly attached; and even renamed me in his phone to "Overly Attached Boyfriend"
The list goes on.

But he re-assures me he doesn't want to end the relationship and everything is fine, he just needs a change of pace.

Ok, fine, completely understand that, we had been living in each others pockets for longer than is really healthy, and I had been neglecting my friends and family.

So now I have time to concentrate on me, my family, and my friends. And when we do meet, we often have a better time together that we did before when we were seeing each other every day.

I now come to realise that I had not given enough time between my prior relationship and this one; especially considering my prior relationship was with a sociopath. I'd been trying to replicate what I had with my ex, and unwittingly been displaying a couple of (but not many) learned sociopathic behavioural traits.

That's a sure fire way to have someone with their head screwed on run for the hills.

A quick tangent - so where I live there's one gay bar in the city. It's the only public place in the entire city my boyfriend feels comfortable being himself, due to his upbringing he is still uncomfortable with his sexuality. As it's the only such establishment, it's an inevitability that the ex will see me with my new boyfriend. We have been very respectful, neither of us have said a word to him or any of his friend, and given them plenty of space and not rubbed their noses in anything. Which was all going swimmingly until last Saturday we go there to find out I'm barred; and I found out my ex very recently befriended the manager of this bar; and has been wining and dining her. I have also learned that he has recently been spreading a false rumour that I pushed him down the stairs in the gay bar. It was upon learning this that I did research into what my ex's behavioural traits could be attributable to; I already knew he had been diagnosed with schitszophrenia but learning that he is in fact a sociopath through and through is new.

And there are destinct stages to a relationship with a sociopath -

1. The Mimick - The sociopath targets the individual and bonds with them through cunning imitation giving the illusion of a connection or bond
2. The Helpless Victim - the sociopath then shows the target a re-enacted version of sensitivity, some awful thing happening or past wound or some such to achieve sympathy, and have the victim let down their guard
3. The Isolator - the sociopath (unwittingly) creeps into the victims personal relationships with friends and family and destroys them through twisting threads of truth into evil stories about the victim
4. The Crusher - the sociopath has now isolated their victim and had the victim bare all and open up to them. The sociopath uses what they know about the victim to destroy their integrity and self confidence
5. The Destroyer - once the sociopath's victim realises what's going on and leaves the sociopaths only mission now is to destroy the victims live through whatever means they see possible

I wouldn't have expected this to be an issue now that we share no friends, family, or anything of the like. But he found a way, using his insidious ways to get in with the management of the only place in the city my boyfriend and I can unwind.
I suspect I've touched upon the mere tip of the iceberg...

So I'm now in a situation where I've touched upon the tip of what could be a very far reaching smear campaign continuing to be spearheaded by my ex - and no legal recourse because the crime of criminal slander / libel was abolished in the UK four years ago; and I don't have £100+ / Hr to spend on a solicitor.

And of course I've had the galling relisation that I'd been unwittingly displaying certain sociopathic traits myself pushing my boyfriend away from me, whom I love dearly and until a couple of weeks ago I could genuinely feel that love being returned every time we met; it's amazing to know what real love feels like; so much better that this crap I'd had before.

So I suppose I need advice on two things:

1. How to put a stop to this smear campaign being spearheaded by my ex
2. How to bring back the boyfriend I knew a couple of weeks ago before he freaked out and went all cold feet on me

I know one of the most important things is time apart; and I'm working on that. It's been so long since I had the time to concentrate on myself I'm at a loose end.

When I ask myself what I find interesting and what I like to do with my spare time all I can answer is "Help my other half"; because looking after my ex was an all consuming task...

Friends? Well the ex did away with them quite effectively, bar literally one or two.

/hrumph

[Wakeup]

You ask:

So I suppose I need advice on two things:

1. How to put a stop to this smear campaign being spearheaded by my ex
2. How to bring back the boyfriend I knew a couple of weeks ago before he freaked out and went all cold feet on me

and since you've admitted to this:

So now I have time to concentrate on me, my family, and my friends. And when we do meet, we often have a better time together that we did before when we were seeing each other every day.

No. 2 isn't a issue.

As for No. 1. Surely if you're not totally paranoid and delusional, then a simple chat with the owner of the bar will get things straightened out. You can't expect us to believe that you'd get barred on the word of another patron... either you did push him down the stairs or there has been other goings on from you that you're not admitting to.

[anonymous1986]

You ask: and since you've admitted to this: No. 2 isn't a issue.

As for No. 1. Surely if you're not totally paranoid and delusional, then a simple chat with the owner of the bar will get things straightened out. You can't expect us to believe that you'd get barred on the word of another patron... either you did push him down the stairs or there has been other goings on from you that you're not admitting to.

Yep, no.2 is something I can work on; the difficulty is I've never been in my own home by myself before in my life even at the age of 27 and all the lions share of my friendships have been destroyed; I have a lot of work to do and am finding it dificult to know where to begin.

It doesn't help that I'm suffering a bit of separation anxiety from my boyfriend at the moment. Likely a result of a) having no one else to spend spare time with, b) having previously been in a co-dependant relationship with a sociopath and c) having a major change to my current relationship with my boyfriend thrust upon me with little say so or room for compromise. But I will have to rise above my own self pity and self induced patheticness and sort it out.

No 1: This is the thing one has to be aware of with a sociopath. They are very charming and believable; they have the ability to convince people things they've not winessed are the god honest gospel truth.
There genuinely is nothing to be hidden, I haven't laid a finger on my ex and haven't said a word to him or his friends since we split. There has been nothing.
The owner of the bar HAS barred me for no reason that she has personally borne witness to; this is a simple and plain fact.

If I had done anything I'd know what I need to make amends for and what I need to change and would be doing it right now.

I've attempted to contact the management but they've ignored my email and voicemail.

Sociopaths have this ability. The manager of the bar has never met me. But I know the sort of things she will have heard because I know what my ex is like.

It isn't paranoia; it's the risk of having a sociopathic ex.

All I need is for the manager to acknowledge me; I know she won't believe a word I say; all I want to do is be given the opportunity to show her a wikihow article on identifying sociopaths and she will be able to make the judgement for herself.

[Wakeup]

Get your boyfriend to vouch for you... never mind the wiki article.

[anonymous1986]

Get your boyfriend to vouch for you... never mind the wiki article.

Yep absolutely. In fact I managed to get through to one of the bar staff, we had a really nice chat, funnily enough my ex has befriended nearly everyone there; clever boy.

She is going to pass my details on to the manager so hopefully I'll get a call; I'd like her to meet with my BF and I and I'm sure she'll see the wood for the trees.

It transpires he'd told her this incident happened in a part of the pub that just happens to be a CCTV black spot, they say. Funny that...