How Much is Too Much?

[redford82]

I have been in a relationship with a woman nine years older than me for a little over three years. Through a combination of lust and irresponsibility we have a two-year old son. Our relationship has suffered many issues during our time together and in December we thought it might help us to move in together.

Since that time it seems it has gotten worse. She expects me home every day immediately following work to tend to our son so she can do all the things she'd like to do after work. I'm allowed to go to the gym an hour at a time here and there. Our weekends are spent visiting her family and friends exclusively. I can honestly say I've seen my friends twice in the last eighteen months.

Friday, May 2 she called me to ask if I'd pick up something on the way home from the gym. I said I'd like to just grab some Del Taco and she started talking about Chipotle so I asked if she was still talking about Del Taco.

She screamed into the phone "I do not want Del Taco!" I asked if it was necessary to scream at me and she said yes, because I was "impossible to talk to".

Nothing was resolved that night and the next day she was extremely hostile towards me until that night when she said she couldn't lose weight because she doesn't have money. I reminded her she has plenty of money but spends it on other people. She said I was attacking her and flew into a rage and began to run me down as a rotten, disrespectful boyfriend, father, and person. I told her our relationship was a mistake. Tempers got heated and I kicked a nightstand, which wound up breaking my foot.

She said I didn't deserve her; I said I deserved better. She has since maintained that my calling our relationship a mistake is simply unforgivable, despite her numerous text message apologies to me for similar statements.

So now we're not communicating, she's extremely tense and blows up at me almost daily and continues to bury me. She refuses to talk with me at all and thinks we have no need for any professional counseling. My self-esteem is completely destroyed and I'm becoming a total basket case. I've reached out to my friends but they have no clue how to help me, having never dealt with anything like this.

Is this something even worth trying to work on? I'm thankful for everyone who takes the time to read this and any support or guidance anyone can offer is tremendously appreciated.

[michelle23]

Shes abusive, controlling and manipulative. Having a baby didnt fix it, moving in together didnt either..

Your family and friends should also be her family and friends now too and should be welcome in your lives but shes shut them out and isolated you. Thats really unhealthy. We all need a support network and shes basically tossed yours away.

Its understandable she expects you home after work especially with a baby-you probably just wernt ready for so much so soon but things change when you have a family. However, she should be open to inviting your friends round for a barbeque or getting a babysitter and going out with your friends etc

I think you need to stand up to her. Tell her things have to change and you want counselling. If she refuses-leave and sort out custody. .

Get counselling for you and try to heal. Build back up your self esteem

[surfhb]

Welcome to marriage buddy!

Honestly this is a story which as 2 sides. Off the bat, You might consider offering her ways you both might be able to get in shape and stop eating shit like Chipotle and Del Taco. Days at the park with the kid, making heathy meals at home together?

Others will hopefully offer more ways to deal with the emotional side of things but healthy eating will have a lot to do with how you feel emotionally. I mean, she does allow you you're time at the gym so I don't get why your upset with being home so she can do the things she wants? Kids are extreme time eaters.....but you already know this.

Btw.....many doctors and dietician have agreed that it's healthier to eat your own feces then to consume McDonalds or a Del Macho Combo Burrito .

[chinagirl]

Talk to her, let her know that the only way your relationship would work is if you go for counseling. It is not right to project her anger and frustration towards you all the time.

Why don't you do "gym time" together? Maybe you can leave you child to a friend or family so you can work out together.
She may start feeling good about herself once she loses the weight... And working out is a good way to feel good and be more relaxed. I know I do after a 5 mile run...

[Wakeup]

Since you were negligent enough with your own emotional health to go ahead and have child with this borderline personality disordered twat and then, move in with her when you knew your relationship was a toxic mess I have to suggest to you that you get personal therapy and supplement said therapy with all the reading you can do on codependency, fear of being alone, low self esteem and how to boost it up so with your new found knowledge and your therapy back up you'll have gained the strength to leave this woman or at the very least, be confident enough to take your balls out of her purse and start living a proper balanced life to reinclude your friends and family.

You've handed her the current control freak nature she possesses by enabling her to continue on in her mis-treatment and battle axery. Up to you, son to stop enabling her.

Here's a link on personal boundaries (you currently have none) that will help you to learn to use the word "No" and not feel guilty about doing it.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

I have several other articles that will probably help you to, if nothing else, open your eyes up to yourself. You need to take back your personal power and stop enabling her to be the bitch she is... at least to you.

- - - Updated - - -

Here's a excerpt from that link:

If you often are made uncomfortable by others’ treatment of you, it may be time to reset these boundaries to a more secure level. Weak boundaries leave you vulnerable and likely to be taken for granted or even damaged by others. On the other hand, a healthy self-respect will produce boundaries which show you deserve to be treated well. They also will protect you from exploitative relationships and help you avoid getting too close to people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

[searock]

Since when does losing weight require more money? Just eat less (which means, spend less in food) and exercise more (which means, spend less in fuel since you're going to walk or bike to wherever it is you're going).

I don't think this relationship is worth saving. I feel really bad for your son, but it's better to live in a stable environment than to be immersed in this dysfunctional hateful environment.

[chinagirl]

Has she always been like this to you? Do you think something is stressing her out and bothering her or she is just being abusive to you all the time?

[Wakeup]

Per the opening post:

Our relationship has suffered many issues during our time together

Yet they went ahead and moved in with one another anyway. This is why the divorce rate is so high in North America. It would be even higher if all the people that just shacked up as a solution to their piss-poor unions were accounted for.

[chinagirl]

But are these issues just arising from her or both? I am pro saving a relationship if there is a way to salvage it but both partners will have to be willing to try.

[Wakeup]

I am too (pro saving a relationship) but not when it's been toxic the whole union. He says it got worse after they moved in so that would indicate that it was always bad... and has increased in the level of bad.