Deeply Unhappy

[Silent Scream]

I don't know where to start... I am in a relationship... I think... I am engaged... I think... Lets say I have a ring... I can't cry... I no longer know what I need to cry about... I am sooo confused and feel alone... and stupid... I am the original frog in the hot water... I disregarded my gut instincts, my inner voice and alarm bells... 5 years ago I got engaged... I am in a long distance relationship... And it is more than just miles between us now... the man I fell in love with and the man I know now are 2 different people... I have already decided to end the relationship... That is not even my issue... I am left with questions... so many questions... I feel emotionlly and physically drained... and the victim of false promises... empty promises and illusions... And I have said this to myself so many times its like a broken record in my head... My heart was broke a long time ago... I tried to end the relationship many times... I said so many times... and I always came back... because I believed him!!!... It was almost like I was swtiched on and off when he came on Skype... when he came on I felt like I was in a dream state of sorts... it was all so unreal... making plans... yet nothing ever happened.... and the longer this went on the worse I got... I tried to get answers from him and all he talks is nonsense... He can type a lot but doesn't say anything clear... I have been to the States 4 times to see him and try and sort out our relationship... nothing changed... again promises and plans... and nothing... Dear G*d I feel like I have been drugged emotionally... When we met, we hit it off immediately... I felt comfortable with him and at ease with him... This is hard for me as I have very few freinds and find it really hard to make friends, partly due to aspergers syndrome... I am intelligent but lack social skills... So I met him on line in a game... ( I can hear everyone say... bad start already ) But we quickly got to know eachother and took the relationship out of game and into skype... to cut a long story short he evenually asked me to marry him... He met my sister ( online ) and even sent her an email telling her that he wanted to marry me and that he loved me deeply... always and Forever was what he always said... Those words frighten me now... We made plans to get married... I was to go out and meet him and he was going to look for an appartment for us... I better explain that at that time he was living in a different State to what he is in now... He was to come and see me here ... but didn't come... He said that his work would not give him the time off... ( first alarm bell... and i ignored it ) I wanted this relationship and I was in love with him... I never felt like this before about anyone... I was married before and divorced... but this was different... the feelings I had were a lot stronger than I could have believed and the coloured my judgement and still do... Anyways... I decided to go out... But at the last minute he decided to leave the State he was in and move back to his family... I felt that it may be the right thing for him to do at that time... he was also divorced... He said eh wanted a fresh start and a new life with me... so he wewent back to his family... He moved in with his mother and has been there since... A little while he said... then he would get a job and an appartment and he would send for me... that little while has lasted 6 years... I am sorry... I can't write any more ... the more I see of this and the more I write ... the worse it looks to me... Coffee... I need a break.... but I need to get this out of my system...

[smackie9]

So what is your question?

[Silent Scream]

To be honest I don't know... I meant to come back and finish my story... and fell asleep... I think I am just going on automatic now... I feel numb and wore out... all I want is my life back and I don't know where to start... I just needed somewhere to put this down and found this site... Its all swimming about in my head

[Valixy]

A partner or a relationship shouldn't make you feel like this. It's been going on for 5 years and it only gets worse. When will you finally stick to the decision of stopping any contact with him and give yourself the chance to find your peace of mind and emotional freedom again? You'll have a few hard moments maybe, but they can't be worse than how you've been feeling for the biggest part of your relationship and being continuously lied to and let down, and the important thing is that in time you will feel better and better.

As long as you keep entertaining this fake relationship, you are as guilty as he is for allowing these lies ruling your life. Accept the truth, he isn't the one to make your dream of love come true, someone else is, and let go this pathetic lier. Stop being a victim of his games (and your own weakness) and find the power to free yourself because you have it and you can.

The only regret you'll have by taking him out of your life will be for delaying it so much, but it sure is better late than never.