Wife has strong feelings for ex...

[Artief]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years and have a good, happy relationship with 2 children (12 and 10). She did, however, have a very intense relationship with a previous boyfriend before getting together with me. They are also part of a larger group of friends.

When we were first married I had no problem with them seeing each other on occasion, both in their group of friends and on their own for drinks and/or meal out. I felt very secure in our love and our relationship and it didn't bother me. By the time we'd been married for about 8 years, however, and before we had children, things did "spill over the line" with them, and it turned out that a few of their evenings together became very intimate (not sex, but kissing) and it was clear that they were becoming romantically close again.

They then stopped immediately at that time, and my wife felt terrible about all of it. We worked through it, but while she loves me and wants to be with me, she - to this day - continues to feel a connection to him. She doesn't necessarily want to be with him ever (she admits that they're not really compatible and that it would probably never work between them), but she is attracted to him and worries about him (he has had many other girlfriends and one steady one for a while now, but he has trouble with committment and may never marry - perhaps all of this would be easier if he would!).

I find all of this extremely difficult, and where I once felt trusting and non-possessive I now feel basically the opposite when it comes to this man and my wife. This is difficult because she does still want to be friends with him and they do see each other in their group of friends 2-3 times a year. But I find those times very tough, and just don't know what we can do about it. We do talk about it, and its not that I think anything will necessarily happen now between them, but I just don't like the notion of any intimacy whatsoever between them now. And I just feel so sad that she has these underlying feelings for someone else.

She says that it's only a small fraction of what she feels for me, but that its there. How do I get over these feelings? Or should I?

Thanks,

Artief

[vashti]

How do I get over these feelings? Or should I?

I don't think you need to "get over it" so long as she is thinking about him. It's not like she has a celebrity-crush on someone she isn't ever going to meet - she has continued contact with this man, and has even crossed the line with him before. After 22 years of marriage, it is going to be awfully hard for you to match the excitement one gets over the thought of a passionate love affair.

Have you considered counseling?

[Wakeup]

This reminds me of the play "Same Time Next Year" where lovers meet once a year for sex and then go home to their perspective mates who never are any wiser.

I just do not understand why you would tolerate them spending any further time together alone which would include email/Skype/telephone calls or carrier pigeon note delivery.

She says that it's only a small fraction of what she feels for me, but that its there. How do I get over these feelings? Or should I?

Yes... you're old faithful that supplies her with most of her needs. He's just got the part that gets her juices flowing again... and No, you should not get over what your gut is telling you but rather address it with your wife and hopefully she'd agree to totally distance herself from her lover in thought.

Do you really believe that all they did was "kiss?" or is that your way of coping with their relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

This reminds me of the play "Same Time Next Year" where lovers meet once a year for sex and then go home to their perspective mates who never are any wiser.

Good old Oscar Wilde. "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life", indeed. I had never heard of that play, but well, there we have it.

OP - I don't have much to say to this. 22 years is a lot of investment in a marriage. What is your percentage in confronting her about it now? Are you afraid she will leave you?

Perhaps you should start cultivating a 'friend' too? Then, if your wife does leave, you won't be taken so far off balance.

[woody]

Tough one OP,

I can only say that when my sweetheart became uncomfy with my occasional email banter with an ex, I cut it off. I knew it was no big deal but it was a big deal for him and the last thing I'd want to do is make him uncomfortable.

Needless to say, he had an ex that thought they were still an item when he and I first started dating and she continued to attempt flirtatious suggestions long after he and I moved in together. This was not an easy thing to contend with.

I applaud your level of initial trust regarding your wife's involvement with hers. And the fact they actually did cross a line long ago would have been a deal breaker for me and i'm sure, for many.

The fact you've invested 22 years into this proves your love of her. You have accepted much.
She needs to appreciate you more i.m.o and do what is right. Cut this guy off completely.
You have every right to be skeptical and in no way are you being silly with your concerns.

If something makes our other half's uncomfy, we do all we can to remedy it and find a cure which in this case would be to show this guy the cosmic door and stop screwing with a union that would be much better without his occasional energy muckin it up.

I'd tell her to make a choice, gingerly but stern.

[vashti]

Good old Oscar Wilde. "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life", indeed. I had never heard of that play, but well, there we have it.

OP - I don't have much to say to this. 22 years is a lot of investment in a marriage. What is your percentage in confronting her about it now? Are you afraid she will leave you?

Perhaps you should start cultivating a 'friend' too? Then, if your wife does leave, you won't be taken so far off balance.

Good thinking.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should definitely find another woman to smash.

Also, when someone admits to 'kissing' another person, it means they ****ed them.

[smackie9]

I'm with Backup, they did, she just downplayed it by saying they just kissed.

[vashti]

Maybe not, but if she DIDN'T sleep with him, it wasn't because she didn't WANT to.