Boyfriend has a dark past

[Soconfused30]

So I'm 31 and I've been dating my boyfriend for the past couple of months and am totally falling head over heels for him. We get on so well, he's so loving and kind and treats me better than anyone I've ever been with in the past. I've just found out that when he was 20 (he's 32 now) he was found guilty of and sentenced for rape and causing harm to a girl he had just met. From what I can tell he says the sex was consensual (all info says it at least started out this way but then the girl said no) and he denied the rape charges but admitted to assaulting her. I just can't believe he would ever have done this, he's the most loving guy I have ever met and makes me feel so safe. I don't want to talk to my friends about it until I've got my head around it as I just feel sick at the moment, I also know I need to talk to him about it but wanted some opinions first. I know everyone has a past and I want to only judge him on him as a person now.... Help!! Any advice will be much appreciated!!

[basilandthyme]

he says the sex was consensual (all info says it at least started out this way but then the girl said no)

Just to make sure I understand this correctly: He says the sex was consensual at the start, but then she changed her mind. If this is the case, then it IS rape. The fact that he still can't see this shows that he STILL has no understanding of consent. Also, I don't believe that he assaulted her but she consented to sex. I mean, did he assault her before or after the allegedly consensual sex? It just doesn't make sense

While I do believe we can grow and change, the fact that he maintains sex was consensual AND the story doesn't make sense means that he can't be trusted.

[Soconfused30]

They had sex, she says she asked him to stop he says she didn't, I haven't actually spoke to him about it yet, this is just what I have managed to find out on my own. I know I need to speak to him first, it was 12 years ago, I can understand why he's not told me yet as it is still fairly new, I just don't know how to approach it, and the attack happened after the sex

[chinagirl]

I don't know. I would be very, very concerned going out with a guy convicted of rape. You've only been going out for a few months. You're still in the honeymoon stage which means after the honeymoon is over, he can drastically change.

Remember, it's not only the rape, he assaulted the girl as well.

Chances are, for the jury to find him guilty, they must have found enough evidence to convict him.

Get out while you can. Sure you can talk to him but he will likely lie to you. He will not admit to the wrongdoing he did.

[Soconfused30]

Do you not think someone can change though in such a long time? I just don't want to rush into any decisions without looking at it from all perspectives

[chinagirl]

Do you not think someone can change though in such a long time? I just don't want to rush into any decisions without looking at it from all perspectives

Maybe, but I will still be worried.

Is this something you want to deal with all the time? Having on the back of your head the he served jail time due to rape and assault? You've only been in a relationship with him for a short period of time. Why don't you think you can leave?

How did you find out about all the information about him? If you talk to him, I don't think he will be 100% honest with you because he would not want you to leave him if you found out the truth.

Is there a way you can go to your local county office and obtain the case file?

[Soconfused30]

It's not that I don't think I can leave, if that's what I decide to do then I will do it, I'm a strong person and always stick with my decisions but just as a person now is what's making me think about not doing, I felt like I'd found my soul mate until I found this out

[chinagirl]

How old are you?

Never mind, you're 31 and he's 32. There are a lot of decent guys out there. Give yourself a chance to meet someone who is good to you and with a clean record.

You are still young. Don't take any chances with him.

Although people can change, you don't fully know the history of this guy so be very wary of him.

Like I said, you are in your honeymoon stage. Of course he will treat you right. All guys do that. But what happens after that?

[HeartIsAching]

Just to make sure I understand this correctly: He says the sex was consensual at the start, but then she changed her mind. If this is the case, then it IS rape. The fact that he still can't see this shows that he STILL has no understanding of consent. Also, I don't believe that he assaulted her but she consented to sex. I mean, did he assault her before or after the allegedly consensual sex? It just doesn't make sense

While I do believe we can grow and change, the fact that he maintains sex was consensual AND the story doesn't make sense means that he can't be trusted.

This is exactly right. EXACTLY.

If he'd said "I did it. I have been to therapy and have been working on myself, and I'm better now", I'd have a lot easier time to say that he might be alright... but the fact that he denies it speaks volumes.

I know whereof I speak - I've been convicted of a Class-A misdemeanor for domestic battery. Wound up in court-ordered therapy for ~2 years, and when my wife (not the same woman) says "That bitch put you in jail." My response is "She didn't do that, I did that."

Regardless of the provocation, and regardless of the embellishments she told the cops, it wasn't her fault, ultimately it was mine.

If your BF can't take responsibility for his actions, you should back off.

[Wakeup]

Do you not think someone can change though in such a long time? I just don't want to rush into any decisions without looking at it from all perspectives

Not if he hasn't gotten professional councelling and at least admitted to his vile behaviour. Even if he didn't rape her he assaulted her and that he has admitted to. He's capable of hitting a woman... that is not something you should dismiss as him having been able to change withOUT anger management and personal therapy.

You don't even know him because you've been together for such a short time and now you've found out something about him that he's still denying.

I haven't actually spoken to him about it yet

BTW: How can he deny it if you haven't told him you know about it yet? It would be very interesting to find out if he has had professional help and if he's still denying the rape.

Rush any decision? You've rushed into a decision to start to love him when you don't even know him.

[Soconfused30]

Rush any decision? You've rushed into a decision to start to love him when you don't even know him.

I haven't rushed into a decision to start to love him, I have spent the past few months spending a lot of time with him and you don't decide on your feelings towards another person, they're not that easy to just switch on and off.
Thankyou heartisaching, it's nice to see it from that point of view. Obviously I'm going to speak to him about it and find out everything about what he's done since and only then will I make a decision, I guess I will know deep down when I speak to him if he has truely changed or not, I just wanted other peoples perspectives too. Everyone has a past, granted it's not the ideal one but I do believe in second chances when they are deserved

[Wakeup]

I haven't rushed into a decision to start to love him, I have spent the past few months spending a lot of time with him and you don't decide on your feelings towards another person, they're not that easy to just switch on and off.

I based that comment on this quote:

So I'm 31 and I've been dating my boyfriend for the past couple of months and am totally falling head over heels for him.

At less then three months you should just be intrigued and interested in learning more, be infatuated/fond of who you've been getting to know. Just how many times in those three months have you actually been in each other's company? Not 90 days worth I'd venture... At this point a non-relationship forming should be a disappointment (IMO) not a: I'm head over heals( and don't want to break up so I'm searching for reasons why I can ignore a deal-breaker.)

Anyway. You didn't answer the question about how you found all this out if you haven't talked to him about it yet. Did he confess or did you do a background check on him and received transcripts from the court documents? Has he had professional help? Did he deny the rape to you directly?

Don't overlook assault on a girl because of a perceived "head over heels" if he has NOT gotten the help he needs. You're still very much just getting to know him and if you think you're "head over heels" then you will be finding yourself even harder to leave as time goes on. He (like you) has been on his best behaviour. Without therapy, I'd NEVER trust him (especially after only being with him for a few months and I'd end it.) With therapy, I'd still have one hella lot of questions and If one answer didn't add up. I'd be gone.

I guess I will know deep down when I speak to him if he has truely changed or not,

No you won't truly know if he's changed or not just by talking to him. Its just too easy for him to tell you what he thinks you're going to want to hear.

If he hasn't gotten therapy then don't trust him. If he admits to what he did and hasn't had therapy, don't trust him. If he continues to deny the rape and you ask him why he would assault her if she agreed to sex then listen very carefully to his answer. There is no excuse to assault her or anyone else. If he has one then don't ignore that red flag.

[michelle23]

Where I am from it is very difficult to get a guilty verdict for rape unless there is evidence (dna, bruises, vaginal sores/tares) or the person pleads guilty. They rarely cast a guilty verdict in a "her word against his" case so therefore I would be v wary of this guy.

[Soconfused30]

There was CCTV footage of the consensual sex not of the rape, and then footage of the attack, I'm not trying to make excuses just simply trying understand it all so I appreciate everyone's opinions, he has received counselling all also didn't serve the full sentence so I'm assuming they didn't see him as a threat to anyone to let him out early. And when I said in head over heels I didn't mean that this would make me ignore a deal breaker, just trying to explain that what I have learnt about him up until this point has all been positive.

[HeartIsAching]

That's a hell of an assumption to make.