marriage is falling a part

[alp82]

3 weeks ago I moved out of my house because my wife went out on four different days and didnt come home. She went to the bar with her friends. The last time she did this I left I couldn't take it anymore. She says she loves and misses me but doesn't want me to come home saying she needs time to think and be alone. But really I think she just wants to be able to do whatever she wants too. I told her I didn't mind her goin out but being gone for 8 hours at the bar or not coming home at all isn't exceptable for a married women with four kids. All of the kids are my step kids. Shes complaining that I'm always tired when I get home from work. But I work 60 hours a week as a mechanic I can't help but be tired. I come home everyday and spend almost 3 hours cooking dinner for all of us plus I drop all the kids off at school in the morning and do all thw yard work.. Shes also saying we never go out but its not true at least once a week we go out for dinner or shopping. She never wants to be home she says all she does is clean when she is. This is not how I want my marriage to be and am seriously thinking about calling it quits. She doesn't want me home yet still wants my pay check I gave her every week. I thought everything was fine till she started all this a few weeks ago. Theres so much more to say but this is a good start.

[alp82]

Whats driving me nuts is I didnt do anything for my wife to act this way toward me. I always have put her and the kids first before myself. She wants me to change a lot so many things I feel like I'm in the middle of an interview when we talk about me coming home. All shes thinking about is herself and whats making her happy. I keep telling her I can't afford to be living some where else and still pay the bills at the house I'm not allowed to live in. If I did anything wrong it spoiling her and making her think she has full say of whats going to happen. All I ever wanted was to be a family without the drama.

[smackie9]

The romance is dead in your marriage, so she seeks refuge with goin out and getting attention from other men. No you didn't do anything wrong, you both did. You both got so caught up in your respnsabilities you stopped being a couple, going out on dates, spending quality time together, and making the best of it with your hectic schedule.

You both are being short sighted at as what needs to be done to fix this. I suggest couples counseling so that you both have someone there to guide you both on realistic expectations, compromises, etc and real work through it.

From what I see you are too busy resenting her because you work so hard and you feel you are entitled to some respect and her issues are petty, while she is resenting you because instead of working on a compromise you shut her down.

Remember there is more to a marriage than bringing home the bacon.

[pcmaster]

Man you let this go too far. She acting like a princess. Look how much you spoilet her. I think best you can do is take a break like few weeks or month. Be completely gone and then without you she will learn to appreciate your cooking(lol she should cook) and money. I mean when things you do are not appreciated you have to stop doing these things. BTW glutamine can help you recover faster after work.

[Wakeup]

How long have you lived with her and where do you live. Depending on the Family Laws in your area, if you leave her then you may be responsible for child support for her children even if you do leave her.

Who babysits when she goes out catting? If you say you then yes, as PC says you're allowing her to do what she does.

[chinagirl]

Does she work? How come you're paying all the bills and doing all the cooking for everybody? If she works (have a job) and takes care of the children and do some house work, I can understand why she wants to go out but absolutely not for eight hours.

You need couples therapy to see if you can save your marriage. If you decide to leave, you will NOT be responsible paying for child support. It will be the biological father who needs to support the kids. But of course, if the biological father had been absent for awhile and you have been supporting all her kids for sometime, it would be unfair just to cut them off.

Where is the biological father by the way?

[Wakeup]

If you decide to leave, you will NOT be responsible paying for child support.

Do you know that for sure, China? Here in the province I live in if he's been providing for them then he will have to continue even if they split. Any assets accumulated during their living together would be considered community property and would be split accordingly... while the biological father also contributes according to his income.

That's why I asked where he lived. I wanted to check for sure what the family laws are where he lives.

[smackie9]

Canada is a socialist state lol

[HeartIsAching]

How long have you lived with her and where do you live. Depending on the Family Laws in your area, if you leave her then you may be responsible for child support for her children even if you do leave her.

Who babysits when she goes out catting? If you say you then yes, as PC says you're allowing her to do what she does.

No child support for step-kids in the U.S. He may be on the hook for separate maintenance (alimony) but that's got a time-limit.

[Wakeup]

Thanks, HIA. While I was waiting to see if China was certain I searched and came up with this link:

http://www.stepfamilies.info/articles/do-i-have-an-obligation-to-support-my-stepchildren.php

Which states in part: (which also makes USA somewhat "Socialist" as well

The Estoppel Doctrine prevents a stepparent from taking a different position or going back on a promise if the child would be financially harmed by the change. It is based on fairness when three conditions exist. The first condition is Representation, as indicated when the stepparent assumes the role of the child's parent — including providing financial support. The second condition is Detriment, describing the stepparent who interferes with the child's relationship with the biological parent and destroys the possibility of obtaining financial support from that parent. The third condition is Reliance, whereby the child relies upon the love and financial support of the stepparent. The Estoppel Doctrine prevents a stepparent from taking a different position or going back on a promise if the child would be financially harmed by the change. It is based on fairness when three conditions exist. The first condition is Representation, as indicated when the stepparent assumes the role of the child's parent — including providing financial support. The second condition is Detriment, describing the stepparent who interferes with the child's relationship with the biological parent and destroys the possibility of obtaining financial support from that parent. The third condition is Reliance, whereby the child relies upon the love and financial support of the stepparent. If these three conditions exist and a divorce occurs, the court may rule that the stepparent is responsible for child support.

Lets hope Op doesn't have those three conditions existing.

It also says:

By all means, do give love and financial support to your stepchildren. Just don't create a problem for yourself by aggressively interfering with the child's relationship with the biological parent and developing a pattern of paying for a child's necessary expenses when the biological parent is willing and able to do it.

And something else that doesn't make it so black and white as "no you won't be responsible"

Where states have a statute providing that a stepparent has a financial responsibility to support a stepchild, it appears to be based upon the in loco parentis doctrine. Nevertheless, most stepchildren cannot legally claim support from their residential stepparents as few states have enacted statutes to enforce child support obligations on stepparents. (Twenty states do have a statute imposing a financial responsibility on the stepparent while the stepchild is living in the household: DE, HA, IA, KY, ME, MO, NJ, NY, NC, ND, OK, OR, SD, UT, VT, WA.)

Where are you OP... How are things going? Before you do anything get lawyer advise. Most will give you one hour free consultation.

[LaLa_11]

You sound like a hard working man that will do anything for his family, so here is my advice to you.....sit down with her and have a serious convo. What she is doing is wrong,yes you said yourself going out once in a while is okay but not coming home to your family is not okay. Tell her she you two made a vow to be there for each other, marriage is not a 1 way road it takes 2 to make it work. There is also responsibilities ex. the kids. You work long hours and still come home to cook,that shows that you care about your family. If she wants to make this marriage work also she needs to put in effort. All you can do is talk to her about how you really feel,whats bothering you and what you two can do to fix it.

[alp82]

Well I'm still not home. I've been married to her a little over 2 years now. Me and her are supposed to go for a walk today and have dinner but who knows. We were texting each other last night and at around 9pm she quit texting me and I haven't heard from her since. I really don't know how this is gonna turn out but I do know the longer I'm gone that its getting much easier. And from the first comment I was given I give her lots of attention I never made her not feel wanted if anything I probably spoiled her too much. We're gonna try counseling but I think we're just two different people. What a messed up situation.

[chinagirl]

Do you know that for sure, China? Here in the province I live in if he's been providing for them then he will have to continue even if they split. Any assets accumulated during their living together would be considered community property and would be split accordingly... while the biological father also contributes according to his income.

That's why I asked where he lived. I wanted to check for sure what the family laws are where he lives.

He has the US flag. He is NOT responsible paying for child support being the step father specially if the biological father is involved with the children. Only under very rare condition when a court MAY ( key word being MAY) enforce child support payment from a step parent but even the step parent can contest that by hiring a good attorney.

A mother cannot collect two child supports ( from the biological father and the stepfather). They may consider the step fathers income as part of the household income when calculating how much the biological father's responsibility in terms of child support payment.

But you are right about assets accumulated during the marriage! it has to be split accordingly depending on the state he lives in.

In NY, even if the wife has not worked in the entirety of the marriage, she is entitled to 50% of the marital property.

And my BF who is a litigation lawyer says that unless he legally adopted the kids, he is NOT responsible for child support for the stepchildren.

[alp82]

If we end up divorcing I don't want anything but my truck and my personal things which I know she wont have a problem with. I'm gonna make it real easy because I don't want to string it a long. Also she does work but its not physically demanding like mine so she doesn't get tired from working. Shes not understanding at all I can honestly say I feel like she just cares about what makes her happy.

[chinagirl]

Are you considering marriage counseling at all?