Is she no longer interested in me?

[NoLongerNumber1]

Hi All,

I'm after a bit of advice surrounding my relationship and my girlfriends recent behaviour, as I'm worried that she isn't being honest with me about everything and won't completely open up to me. I'm not quite sure what to think and would appreciate a few different opinions.

I'm a 19 year old male and my girlfriend is 20. We've been a couple for around 8 months now and have been living together since early on in our relationship (as it was already planned before we got together). Our relationship progressed quite quickly and we felt comfortable with each other almost instantly, revealing some pretty personal details to each other that neither of us often share with anyone (which I would prefer not to post on here) but just deep things that may have been troubling our past etc, which you wouldn't just tell anyone, or even any friends.

Anyway, our relationship got off to a great start and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I felt for the first time in any relationship I've had that our feelings were really genuine and that my strong feelings towards her were equally reciprocated towards me. We hung out all the time, were very intimate and had sex reasonably regularly (a few times a week). Anyway, our relationship went along smoothly with no real major hiccups until around 3 months ago, when I began to feel more and more distant from my girlfriend. I was still (and still am) madly in love with her and was pursuing her with the same vigour I always had - but I simply felt that her feelings towards me were dying off. We began to have sex less and less regularly and we started having less 'us' time (e.g. time without friends that was different from our normal routine, where her and I would simply go do something exciting for just the two of us). My girlfriend has had a full time job since the beginning of our relationship and I'm a University student. My girlfriend has been promoted recently, which may have affected her mood, but the promotion isn't really that much more work than she was previously doing.

In the last three months, we've probably had sex about three times. I'm generally keen and often want to jump into bed and have a good time with her but she always pulls out the "I'm too tired" or "I'm feeling sick" cards. I understand that she may not want to always have sex when I want to, but at the same time, three times in three months isn't exactly normal for a reasonably healthy relationship, in my opinion. My girlfriend was on birth control but was getting headaches from it, so she ended up getting a new pill around 2 months ago, although she hasn't taken it since she got it. She claims that she wants to go through a few periods without it to see if she still gets the headaches from her previous pill. We have had sex twice or so since she stopped taking the previous birth control pill. I've asked her if she still gets horny and she says she does sometimes but is too tired to act on it. I've also asked if she's still sexually attracted to me and she always says yes, although sometimes I struggle to believe it. I know for a fact that she has been watching porn occasionally behind my back (maybe once every 2-3 weeks), even when she's told me that she's too tired etc. If it helps to determine anything, my girlfriend and I are both white, yet when she watches porn it's often white girls with black guys and often in MMF threesomes or gangbangs... I'm worried that maybe she is sexually attracted to darker skinned men and that maybe she isn't sexually attracted to me because I'm not fulfilling her want to have sex with them or something? And yes, I know I'm snooping where I shouldn't be and I do feel guilty about it, but I'm just finding it so hard to trust her at the moment because she tells me she hasn't watched porn since before we got together. This makes it even harder to confront her, because I don't want her to know I've been snooping, because she'll probably break up with me for not trusting her. She says that our sex life will improve and that she's just been too tired recently, but I find that hard to believe, especially considering we've been having talks about it for the past month or so and haven't had sex since

However, it's not just the sex. We also spend less time together doing things and she wants more and more 'space' or alone time. If I ask her to go do something one afternoon, she will almost always say she is too tired. However, if one of her other friends asks her to go do the same thing, albeit on a different day, she usually jumps at the opportunity. I'm just beginning to feel like she's no longer attracted to me or that she no longer wants to be with me and is afraid to say it. Or even worse, I'm afraid that there is something else going on that I don't know about. We both used to be all for the 'open and honest' relationship thing and would tell each other everything. We wouldn't mind if we looked on each others phones or Facebook etc, because neither of us have anything to hide. However, recently, she has become more defensive about the whole looking through each others phones thing and tells me that I need to stop doing it because it hurts her too much (even though she does the same to me, but claims "I only do it because you do it").

I know I'm not completely in the right here and I know I've been doing things I shouldn't have in terms of checking up on her, but I love this girl so much and I just really don't want to get blind-sided and be hurt. If there are issues in our relationship that she's not telling me about, I want to be able to work through them together. The other thing is that when we argue now, she will often talk to her friends about it, rather than dealing with it with me - which has lead her friends to become less inclusive of me, because they will always take her side (as friends do). This means that I feel less comfortable hanging out with her and her friends now because I feel like they all hate me and don't want me around, or worse - they may think that we shouldn't be together (my girlfriend and I).

Sorry for the long post, I would really REALLY appreciate some advice/opinions on this from both males and females - as I'm struggling to decide what to do and where to take things from here. Does this girl still love me? Is she still attracted to me? Should I still be with her? These are the questions I need help deciding on.

[basilandthyme]

She's lost her attraction but is too gutless to end things. Take matters into your own hands and end it yourself

[Starnique]

Basil is right. Sometimes we as women don't want to hurt guys feelings and we dont communicate the fact that we are no longer interested. We just pull back and hope the guy will get the point. I am guilty of this and need to work on it. I'll pull back and eventually ignore because i'd rather not deal with it. Bad on my part. What you need to do is communicate this with her to find out where she stands and start moving on cause she's just not into it for whatever reason. Don't continue to feel this way. Make the decision best for everyone and move on.

As far as that other shit, chocolate can be so addicting sometimes....tasty.

[smackie9]

Ew......anyways ya just breakup with her. The writing is on the wall.....

[NoLongerNumber1]

Thanks for the replies so far everyone.
I really do genuinely appreciate your responses.

It does seem like the writing is on the wall and that I should just give up and move on because it appears that she's not interested. I have talked to her several times about it and she says that she definitely still wants a relationship, still wants me, and is still attracted to me - so I'm not sure whether you guys are right and she has just lost her attraction and is too afraid to say it, or whether there really is more to it and that she genuinely doesn't want to let go yet and does still love me.
I would hope for the latter - However, I'm not an idiot and am definitely leaning towards the first one...

I would still appreciate any more advice on it and particularly some more varying opinions.
It's a tough decision to make either way - whether to stay or whether to move on - and I want to make sure that I've really thought about things and discussed it with others before I make my decision. I'd hate to make the wrong one and end up regretting it - whichever one that may be.
So please - any more knowledgable individuals like the great people above - please come forward and share your opinion on the matter! It may seem like a five minute reply to you, but to me could make the difference between making the right choice and the wrong choice!

Thanks everyone

[smackie9]

So you don't like what you are hearing then. No one is going to give you bad advice, so far it's been good, spot on. If it doesn't feel right it's not. Some people can't let go because they are emotionally attached but know they can't offer you anything because they feel it in their heart but too afraid to admit to it. It's a common reality. There are no magic poitions, spells, or rubbing budda's belly is going to change anything. You want change, you have to take yourself out of the equation, and let her sort her shit out on her own. If you stay, she won't lift a finger to make any decisions.

[NoLongerNumber1]

Bump. Anyone else have any other takes on things?

[rest77]

You guys started so well. But, sad things isn't going the way it used to. But nevertheless, the choice is now yours. All the above posters basilandthyme , Starnique and smackie9 are right on the money. Except you want to hang in there until she finally reveal her new boyfriend or move out of the apartment.