Broke up so we can both grow?

[Philomena]

Hello!

My boyfriend and I recently broke up about two weeks ago in a weird fight. I broke up with him because I wasn't ready for a relationship...I realized I was still loving out of fear of what happened in my past relationship with this guy I dated named Adam.

About 8 months ago, I was dumped from a 2 year relationship with a Narcissist, Adam. He was beautiful and cruel and left me with nothing but the remnants of his abuse. I was left terrified of love. About 2 months later after the breakup I started talking with David (we've known each other for about 4 years). We both were so honest with each other and built a friendship for a couple of months. He had gone through a divorce a year before to a wicked woman and has struggled with love and relationships his whole life...he grew up in a non-loving household with an abusive/alcoholic/absent father and was kicked out of his home by his single mother when he was 15 to fend on his own. I was molested when I was little and now realize I have acceptance and trust issues (didn't realize this until after the breakup however)

We hung out after about 2 months of only talking on the phone and immediately fell for each other. We started hanging out a few times a week and it blossomed into love after about a month and a half. It was perfect...passion, communication, honesty...but I was scared a lot of the time and didn't know that it was because of my past abuse from Adam. He was so incredible and could not stop telling me how much he loved me...I had never been with someone so good and I worried if it was real. Sometimes I would pull away or get suspicious of his intentions, I put a lot of pressure on us in my mind and he felt it. We never argued, never had problems...Genuinely enjoyed each other's company and time.

One night, about 5 months into our relationship, I broke up with David because I was afraid he wasn't committed enough to me (even though he didn't give me really any reason to think this at all...I was tipsy and freaked). I accused him of not wanting to be in a relationship and that he was hurting me because ONE NIGHT he didn't go to my friends party (why I was upset...it was just because of some PTSD of Adam). We talked the next day and he said that he thought I was the one and didn't understand why he had hurt me because he didn't intend to and didn't even understand how he did, but trusted me that he did. He said "I thought I've come so far with being able to love...I know my therapist told me to not get into a relationship for 6 months to a year but I couldn't stay away from you...I'm worried that maybe I just am not capable of love, if I'm hurting you like this. I keep telling myself, she's gorgeous and perfect...if not her who? I see you in my future and now I don't know how to feel." He cried while telling me all of this and I did too. But in the end he decided that we needed to end the relationship for now.

In the time after the breakup, I looked really deep inside myself. There was a lot of stress with my job and my personal life that I put on our relationship. I realized that I am a people pleaser because I don't feel like I'm enough for anyone...so I over exhaust myself with parties and meeting the needs of others that I end up wasting away. I have trust issues that I cannot just be myself and have people love me. I realized this and feel amazing for now realizing why the hell I have been upset and not able to just live a good and pleasurable life (I've always been TOO busy with plans every every every day of my life since I was 19). I realized that I need to change my thinking and live my life totally differently and get to know what I want and grow grow grow. I realize now, I REALLY HAD NO REASON TO BREAK UP WITH HIM. AT ALL.

Bad timing for both of us? I remember having a conversation at the beginning of the relationship: he said, "do you think you are ready for another relationship?" I so badly wanted to be with him and said yes, but now I realize I wasn't ready. He admits he wasn't ready either...

Two weeks went by and I reached out to him with no contact since the breakup, with a pleasant message about a book he gave me. He responded right away with questions about how I am doing and telling me he was so worried about me. We talked later on that night and I explained that I came to realizations about myself and apologized for blaming him for the breakup and he told me that I am incredible, beautiful, and amazing and would love to be with me, but thinks that I have a lot of growing to do to realize my full potential and thought the breakup was a good idea. I came over to his place and we chatted a lot about life and fun things. I told him he looked good and he told me I was gorgeous. He said his heart started racing...I sat next to him and he pulled me into a kiss. We talked a lot about the relationship and he said he just didn't know what to do saying again that he thinks we both need to grow on our own and I told him that I thought that was true as well, that we need space alone to heal from all our baggage. I opened up to him and said that I thought he was the one and he said "if that's true, then Sarah, you have nothing to worry about...but you and I need to really take time to grow into who you need to be alone." I again told him that I thought that was true too. He told me again how amazing I was and about how he is not ready for a relationship at all and needs to continue being alone so he can figure things out to get to the point he is at like his therapist suggested. I didn't cry, the conversation was just very loving and caring... and the conversation was full of hugs and kisses. He held on to me so tight and asked me "can i make love to you one last time?" and I told him no because I didn't want it to be one last time...that its making love and that means it needs to be love. He apologized a bunch for even asking me. He wouldn't let go of me and just kept pulling me in and kissing me. When I finally decided to leave we talked about future. I said, well do we stay in each others lives? Like see each other once in a while for coffee or something?

He told me that it would be too hard on us to do that right now. I told him that I feel like maybe space right now to be alone is good with an occasional check in by phone or something. And if it's meant to be then we will both come together again when we get our shit figured out. If we really want and need to grow, it has to be apart because the attraction and connection between us is too strong. He said he is worried that every time we hung out would be like that night with kissing and talking about getting back together when we both just need to be independent and figure our shit out (also mind you, he and i both have not stayed single for very long ever in our entire lives) and that if we did start dating now we would become codependent and he is terrified of that because that's how his mom and dad and his previous marriage were. I'm also undergoing a career change that won't leave a lot of time for love anyhow. I know I'm not ready to be married when I still have so much growing to do and I think he feels the same way about himself. We both talked about how we want to be the best for our selves before anyone else gets involved.

We kissed a ton and couldn't stop kissing and holding each other. I said goodbye and he had this really sad look in his eyes like a "don't go." I walked away and looked back right as I got into my car and he was just standing outside watching me, I waved and he and waved his hand. I got into my car and he watched me drive away, waving to me one last time.


What do you guys think? What is your take on it?

What should I do and should I try for some sort of contact? I was thinking of really focusing on growing on my own and then feeling it out if I still feel the same about him after I've had some time. Then reaching out with a message or call just to catch up a little and test the water.

[smackie9]

Cut your losses and move on. There's better out there, you will find him.

[Wakeup]

Deep down I know I need to be alone...but I want him in my life in the future.

neither one of you are in any position emotionally or psychologically to be in a relationship. You both need to work on your pasts and overcoming the negativity.

Leave each other alone and work on being the best you both can be with the help of your therapists. Your ex was even advised to do that and he ignored the advice. Don't tempt him to do the same thing once again.

When you've come to terms with your last abusive relationship and when you've had therapy to help you with that abuse been counceled on personal boundaries and how important they are for you in order to keep you from picking "narcissists" then and only then will you be ready to choose wisely. Even this guy has many issues that you chose to ignore in order to not have to be alone.

[Philomena]

so do you think that there is no chance of reconciliation or a fresh start in a few months (or whenever it feels right) given that maybe we are in new spots in our lives? I will never be with my ex Adam (the narcissist) ever again...nor will I ever date a narcissist again. But David and I had something really great, and it seems like timing was just wrong...

Do people ever break up for reasons of personal growth and timing being off and then get back together given that there is some growth? Like a fresh start?

[Wakeup]

Right now let him alone to concentrate on getting over his issues. You work on your because once again you're picking someone who needs to be fixed. You appear to have caretaking issues that you should try to overcome so that you find men that don't need some kind of fixing attractive.

Here's a link to what I'm referring to.

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/

(cut and paste it because the site doesn't provide what others do (which is hot links you just have to click on).

It wouldn't be in yours or his best interests to reconnect right now. Who knows, as you and he get better you may reconcile but don't stagnate yourself in hope. Just work on you and then when you're more confident and independent, you'll know then what you should do with him, if anything.

Be well.

[Philomena]

I totally think I have some sort of issue with Caretaking instead of Caregiving. I was a social worker for a few years and that really messed me up. My company put so much pressure on us to be available 24/7 for any of the families we helped (I was a family reunification therapist). I WASTED away at that job...within 3 months I looked 10 years older from stress. I realized it wasn't the right fit so I left and moved into advertising. Now I'm moving into art direction...

I'm realizing how unhealthy my "caretaking" or "people pleasing" is for myself and others. And I realize that it was instilled at a young age and something I need to break free from. With this relationship, he had a lot of stuff to deal with on his own, but I wanted to not get involved in it. I made a conscious decision to not get involved and let his therapist be his therapist...unfortunately, my behaviors still leaked into my friends and my job, taking on way too much...far more than one person can handle and it wore me away again. David said that was the major red flag he saw in me....my need to work myself thin for other people's needs. He said he knows I'm better than that and need to find that out on my own and I trust that for sure. I think I do need to really purge this unhealthy bullshit that I'm doing...

Not for him.

For me.

[Wakeup]

You're self-aware, Philomena which makes you well on your way to changing the things you know you should. I remember reading somewhere that psychologists have to be wary of codependency when practicing so I don't think you're alone in that. Personal boundaries are important and to be able to say "no" when you don't have the time or the desire to say "yes" without feeling guilty is okay.

Here's a couple of links on the importance of personal boundaries and a book suggestion that may be of interest to you.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

http://www.amazon.com/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation/dp/1439101922

[elephantgirl]

Wow. I'm jealous, haha. I am going through a similiar situation.

Do not contact him. It will really only take you 10 steps back - trust me. I didn't talk to my ex for a month and we talked on and off for a week and a half and our conversations were not depressing but I felt depressed because he was there in my life but not how he use to be and I did feel a lot happier when I wasn't in contact with him.

First of all, if you aren't thankful be so thankful you have this amazing strong man in your life who is being so f-ing mature about your guys' situation. It is hard because he loves you but he is smart and knows he needs to feel better and knows you need to feel better, too. Wait for him to reach out. Trust him. Trust him when he says you guys needs space and trust him when he says seeing eachother would lead you to be codependant. He is right. Don't give in to talking to him, become strong enough on your own and the pieces will fall together when its ready.

Lucky girl.