Lost her feelings but willing to give a second chance. What do I do??

[Makenshi]

Hi all, as you can see I'm new here, and I haven't been able to find a complete answer to my exact predicament. This forum looks real serious and active, and I'm hoping you can help me out here, as I am very torn up about this. I hope you female forum members will take the time to read this through because I really need your help.

This post could get really long, but I hope you will sit through it to help me the best you can, because I believe there IS a chance at this. And I have a feeling that so does she. But thats where my doubt is. I'm confused.

Before I write my story, there are a few things worth mentioning.
Current age: Me 30, her 29.
Noone knows that our relationship is going like this. Only my parents, her parents, her best friend and my best friend. We are keeping this as secret as we can for now.
At the beginning of our relationship we were 200 miles apart. This has since then been reduced to 150 because I had to move, as I was starting at a new job.
We dated for a good 3 months before we went official as a couple. At this time, close friends and family knew what was going on.
After a good 6 months of official relationship i tell her i love her for the first time. She's happy to hear it, but isn't quite ready to tell me. 3 months later she does and we are even happier together.
We have talked about moving in together, but we both agree completely, that we need more time before we do so. So this is not the problem.


So the story is....

It was a normal friday, and we planned she spent the weekend at my house, which she as done several times before. No problem there. She comes over, and I was expecting her, looking forward to seeing her. Like always. I love her and I've missed her, as we hand't seen each other since her birthday on the 8th of may. It's now may 23rd. That was a fantastic birthday. Everything was great and I had no idea she was slowly losing her feelings for me already then. That faithful friday, she came to my house, as she always does. Pulls up in the driveway, and I stand to greet her in the door, like I always do. Nothing odd here.
She has the normal smile on her face, and comes in with a plastic bag full of something I can't really make out what is. I assume she didn't have time to pack a bag so she just threw some clothes into a bag and was on her way.

She comes in, puts down the plastic bag in the bedroom and I go to kiss her like normal. Still haven't realized anything was off as all the conversations have been the same, the smileys and emoticons used on facebook or SMS were all the same. Nothing to indicate anything was off.
I remember it so vividly. And it is tearing me apart inside, whenever I think about it. She says "Oh my god my heart is racing so fast. Chris, I think we should end this relationship."

I am completely paralyzed. A chill runs down my neck as I sit down on the bed, completely speechless and shocked. I had no idea what was going on! The first thing that hits me is shocked grief. My throat locks up, mouth becomes dry and I am unable to speak for a while, like I was struck by a million lightning bolts.
She sits down next to me, and I look her in the eyes. They're dry as though she had no problem saying it or ending it. I break down and ask the obvious question... "But why? What's going on? I never had any idea something was wrong, you never said anything earlier." Of course she didn't want to alarm me, when she knew that I knew she was on her way to visit me. I get that.

She then tells me that she's slowly lost her feelings for me over the past few months (actually way back to christmas time), and over the past 3 weeks (which is even before her birthday where everything was fine and fantastic), she had been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship. She said that she had slowly lost the romance, and she didn't get the butterflies she used to get when she thought about me. The relationship, in her opinion, was just slowly dying. Naturally impaired by the shock of the news, I can't tell her how i feel, properly. I cry, and I am frustrated by the fact that she just ends what be built up through a whole year, where it was just the BEST relationship ever. Everything was great. We can sit and talk for hours. We laugh together, we are beyond sexually compatible (we shared fantasies, ideas etc.. Completely open!), we talk about everything and we trust each other completely.

We talked back and forth for a good hour, and during that time, she didn't shed a single tear. But when I turned to her, gently putting her hand in mine, and said, "But you're the one I want to marry someday", she broke into tears. So there was SOMETHING that mattered and it wasn't completely one sided after all.

I couldn't grasp the fact that she could just straight up end everything without even being willng to try and save the relationship or at least tell me something was off sooner. I would have done whatever it takes. She said it wasn't me as a person, but the feelings just slowly perished in her over time.
I can't understand how everything we built together, all the good times, all the romance we have had was all resting atop a pillar of glass similar to a wine glass. Heck, I'd call the fire department before the house is completely burned down, to at least try and save what's inside.

After talking a lot, and me being sad, a lot, i summoned the courage to tell her, that maybe this wasn't really what she wanted. Maybe we could just put the relationship on pause. Naturally I was expecting that we would make some rules to this pause. She agreed.
When she came home, she wrote me and said that she had arrived home safely, and she said she was hoping that a pause was all it took to get some feelings back. Maybe she just miss the goodnight texts we used to share.
She drove home that friday, and now, after a lot of consideration, and lang talks with my mom, because mom knows a lot about this stuff and has been through some stuff (even similar to this), I wanted to wait a couple of days and then drive to her house and surprise her. In a non threatening way. Of course not. I just wanted to ask for a cup of coffee and a good long talk. I was worried that she wouldn't even open the door, as there might be *gasp* someone else! But I thought it couldn't get any worse than it was, and after a lot of thinking i wanted a better explanation and I had thought about what i needed to say, that I couldn't say when we talked on friday.

So I went over today. She invites me in. Surprised as she is. We hug and sit down to talk. And we had a loong chat over several cups of coffee. Started out with small talk. Stuff couples talk about. All kinds of things. We were doing great. I didn't come for sex or kisses or anything. Just for a hug, conversation, a talk and a cup of coffee. And of course, answers.

We talked and talked and after a while of "breaking the ice" i had to get serious, and tell her why I just suddenly decide to show. The bad timing part is, though, that she sent me a text the day before, asking me how I'm feeling. I said I was having a real hard time coping with all of this. She replied, that she had a rough time too, and it didn't take much for her to lose focus and just become sad. She didn't have much control of her feelings, and had trouble sleeping etc. I didn't reply, as I wanted to save the conversation for when I would visit her.
That's when i started to believe that this could be somehow salvaged. I told her that the last few days had been a real eye opener, and we needed more quality time together. Many weekends have had plans in them. We have to plan the weekends from calendars, and we normally go do stuff on those weekends, because we don't just wanna sit and be bored. But i realized thats exactly what we needed to do. Not have plans. To just meet, talk and do whatever we wanted. I even told her that I would move closer to her, so we could see eachother on weekdays too! Just spending time together between the weekends to free up time for other things during the weekends. But she didn't want me to move closer, just because of her, as she was still in doubt wether the relationship could be revived.

I told her how i felt about all this, and i told her, that i couldn't cope with just being dumped like everything we had together was completely meaningless. I was hoping she would agree, which she did. And I asked her how she could just lose her feelings for me, and of course she said it just happens over time. She lost the spark. The butterflies. She didnt miss me like she used to. And I was thinking it must have been because we've been drifting further from eachother because we had plans in the weekends where we met, before we even got together.

We talked some more about mutual feelings. And i asked her how she felt now, about me coming over for a chat. Not forcing anything on her or trying to get close or anything. Just being friendly, and in search for sense in all of this.
Thats where she says "Right now, I'm just feeling like I'm talking to a very close friend". That gave me the same chill down my spine as when she said she wanted to end the relationship. But not as violently. Thankfully. And no tears were shed. My eyes watered a bit and i noticed hers did too from time to time.
I asked her, how she would feel if she saw me with another girl, as I had been thinking about her being with another guy if we bumped into eachother, if we officially left eachother. She couldn't stand the idea, as she feels like she would be hurt. And so would I if I saw her with another guy too soon after we broke up.

I asked her to think back at my 30th birthday. I rented a vacation house close to the beach for a weekend, to celebrate it in. Throwing a party for my closest friends. and of course the love of my life. We arrived a day before, and guests should arrive the day after. So we had all day, and all night on the first day to be together. And then after the party, which was great in every way imaginable, guests left the day after, in the AM so we had all of sunday together. (this was march 29th) This weekend was simply amazing. We LOVED every minute of it. Fire burning in the fireplace. The wind blowing gently outside, you could hear the ocean. It was so romantic! It was insane! We had such a great time there. Everything was sooooo great and I really REALLY want to rent a vacation house for just the two of us again. We agreed back then that it was something we just had to do again someday because it was pure unfiltered romance. No thinking about work or what to do. No plans. Just relaxation in eachothers company. Long walks on the beach. Storybook romance.

So after this talk today, I suggested that we took a trip somewhere! As things are now, I asked her to think back to my birthday, how romantic it was to stay at that house. Just the two of us. Not a care in the world. Just the two of us, romance, fire burning, everything perfect. We were so happy.
I told her that I really wanted one of those weekends again. That we could kind of start over. She clearly remembered the days in the vacation house. And how great it was. She agreed that it was truly romantic. And she agreed that we should do it again, to maybe kickstart the relationship. Just being ourselves. Maybe reminding both of us why we fell in love in the first place. Absolute dedication to eachother. A romantic getaway! To Rome! Why not!? It could be anywhere in the world! I don't care about the money it costs. If it can save my relationship with her, money isn't an issue. I'll do whatever it takes at any cost. Naturally, without having to buy her love. I actually have a gift certificate for a romantic trip for two to Rome, Crete or London.


Then we hugged, and i took off. I really wanted to try and kiss her and hold her hand, but I barely resisted it. I knew that if I pushed at it, it would/could drive her further away. So i kept it completely neutral, and I know that I have to be the one she wants to chase after. I have to be careful to not become a doormat for her to scrape her boots on. I have to show some resistance. I'm trying not to seem desperate, but theres a thin line between being desperate about getting back together, so it pushes her away, and to be playing hard to get, so she might want to hunt me down again all over.

We have a vacation planned already, that is already paid for and planned. We have been looking forward to it for several months, and it's a festival. Naturally, if things don't solve themselves and we are back together as usual, by that time (It's in the beginning of august), I hope that we can remain in a relationship officially, so people won't try to make a move on her. Or on me for that matter. We will be attending it with lots of friends, who also know us. But to avoid any complications in our camp, I hope that I can remain in a relationship with her at that time. I don't want people to think differently of us, as it would give the camp some really bad vibes.
Should i just ignore this, and hope for the best? Is it wrong of me to ask her, that I hope we can attend the festival in this matter? Maybe we can even use the festival to get close together. We will have separate tents but we will still stay in the same camp together and all, I just don't want people to act differently around us, as it's just a question of "social standing on facebook" and people naturally won't do anything stupid.

So far we have agreed that during this "pause" we still contact each other once in a while. But NO TEXTING. It will be calls, so we can talk for real, and none of that fake texting stuff. It just might be one of the causes of all of this. Not talking properly.

Follow up questions:
How do I act from now on? Should I play hard to get? Should I do nothing? Should we talk more during the pause? Should we consider it a total break up and look for new people, hopefully to realize that we are perfect for eachother?

She is a total gem, and she fits me in all ways possible. Shes beautiful, smart and everything! We have (had) everything going for us! I don't want anything else. And if I DO find anyone else, I fear that I will still be missing her, as it won't be "just as good".

I try to calm myself by thinking that this is just a stage in life, where part of you wants to settle down and start a family, and part of you doesn't want that. Some call it a 30 year crisis.... But I need advice from you wise women, to help me understand the situation.



Thank you so much for reading this, and any feedback will be greatly appreciated. I hope you can give me some sound advice, as to know how she feels and what I have to continue from here. I will keep you posted and check this thread several times a day.

I WILL follow up on any answers and I will NOT let any reply go unanswered or unread!

[chinagirl]

I've never heard of a 30 year crisis. 40 year, maybe... From a woman's point of view, it seems to me that maybe she met someone else closer to where she lives. The reason she's hurting is because she still cares for you as a friend and nothing else. Long distance relationships are difficult unless you can compromise to see each other every weekend or more often but the travelling can get to a person after awhile.

I suggest you lay low on talking about your relationship with her or that will just push her away. You are on a break, so treat it like it is.

There is nothing wrong with meeting new people while you are on a break unless you mutually agree on not doing that.

[Makenshi]

Hi there, thanks for your input!

Of course I asked her if there was someone else. She said no. And since I've been with her so much, I trust her when she says that. I suggested moving closer to her. Or even together with her or to the same town. Since my job allows me to do that. So everything is perfect in that sense. So it doesn't make sense to me, that it's the distance, when I can improve that tremendously, by moving closer. I asked her if there was someone else in the nicest way possible, and she assured me that there is not.

I have a hard time not talking about relationship stuff, but I'm trying my best not to do so. I feel it works, and we can talk for hours about many other things. Just random chit chat basically. So that quality in our relationship persists.

We haven't had any rules about who can do what during this pause. I suppose she could see someone else. And so could I, if I wanted to. I don't really want to, but she doesn't need to know that. She needs to know, that I MIGHT be with someone else. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I kinda sound like a bad person, but I want to do it to know if she truly cares. I asked her how she would feel, seeing me with someone else. And I could clearly tell that she was speaking the truth when she told me, that she wouldn't be happy about that. At all.

Sure long distance is hard, but we've managed so far. The problem is, she has no interest in me moving closer, to try and fix this. I can't force her to love me. I don't want to either. It has to come by itself. We agreed that we need a trip somewhere, just the 2 of us. Not at her or my house but somewhere, where we don't think about things around town and such. A vacation basically. It's gonna be like starting over. We meet at friends, and hopefully, by that time, my feelings won't be as trampled as they are now, and I won't be as torn up. And at that point, she can see the person she fell in love with in the first place.

I read about the 5 stages of a relationship, and I can recognize the "Power Struggle" part. Where people usually break up. But then again, I can't use it in my situation, as she has just pretty much killed the relationship, without giving me a chance to improve the quality of it.

The biggest question in my head is why she didn't say anything, when she's been feeling less for me over the past few weeks or even months. Nothings changed. There has been no indication of anything wrong. And then suddenly... She just up and leaves. Everything points at there is someone else, but I want to believe her, when she says there isn't.

Naturally it would be great if we could see other people. Sometimes you have to lose what you have, to realize what you lost. And that goes for the both of us.

[chinagirl]

I had a long distance relationship a long time ago and I talked to my ex everyday like nothing was going on. I couldn't tell him that I fell out of love until I saw him in person. The truth of the matter was at that time, not only did I fall out of love, I also met someone else but because we had been going out for over 2 years and had talked about marriage, I couldn't tell him the truth.

If that is not the case with you, then it's well and good. What I don't understand is why would she not want to be closer to you distance wise? Unless she really is unsure whether she wants to continue with the relationship or not.

Give her the time she needs. I agree with you... The only time you realize how valuable a person is, is when you lose that person.

Goodluck.

[Makenshi]

I just can't understand why she wouldn't want me closer. I can move with my job. She cannot with hers. So of course i want to move closer to keep things as they are. But she says that she doesn't want me to move for her sake.

Maybe i should just move anyway... For my own sake. In my family we don't marry. My parents weren't married. Their parents weren't married. So to tell her, that she is the one that i want to marry one day, means a lot. Especially coming from me. I didn't propose or anything. I just told her that I wanted the possibility of marrying her one day.

Time is my enemy right now. At some point we will be allies, but it's just insanemy rough for me right now to think, that she might not feel the same way. I feel like I'm the only one suffering, even though she says she has a hard time.

[chinagirl]

I'm sure this is hard for her too. I just feel that there is something missing there that she is not telling you. Next time you talk to her, figure out a way where you can have a very honest conversation with her. Maybe she can open up to you some more. There are pieces in the puzzle that don't seem to fit right.

[Makenshi]

Yeah I can't figure it out either... I asked her twice if there was someone else.

First time when she initially broke up with me. Second time, where i visited her yesterday. I had a very serious conversation about everything and told her how I felt. I told her that it just isn't fair to just straight up dump me without even trying to save the relationship in any way or not make any signs of problems in the relationship.

She assured me time and time again, that there is not someone else. I have a hard time believing it though. But I might still have a chance at this. We have a vacation coming up, thats just the 2 of us. We didnt plan it yet or anything. Just talked about it, and we agreed that it would be a good idea. Maybe that would revive the love in her. Or maybe we should just mutually break up, stay friends, and hopefully she will realize that she did wrong in breaking up in the first place. Maybe this is just what we need to strengthen our relationship for the (hopefully) many years ahead, that we dedicate to eachother. If we settle.