How should I react...?

[Sebastian H]

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, I separated from my partner a while ago after finding out she was having an affair. An affair that was happening for some time and also under my roof whilst I was at work. Me and my ex have two very young children that have both been put through this separation and now we are at a stage where we are amicable (even polite and chatty). She decided to keep the kids in the same village and has moved into a house close by so I can have as much regular contact as possible as I am really close to my boys.

Time moves on, the bitterness of the breakup begins to lessen but I'm always aware daily of what she put and the children through. The last conversation I had with her about this love-rat who is half-to blame for our breakup was that I didn't want him around my children. What she did with him I couldn't care less but keep the children away from him.

I have just (in the last few minutes) been putting my sons to bed after bath and my eldest who is 4 said that he had a great day out with mummies new boyfriend and he bought him present. I knew she was still seeing him but she had (as far as I am aware) always done so when the children were with me.

I'm not sure how to react. I accept we have both gone separate ways and we both can date whoever, but I told her I didn't want this man who was sleeping with my partner at the time, to be around the boys.

Am I being unrealistic or unreasonable? In a perfect world this is time mummy & daddy would be spending with the kids but it's a man who split us up and contributed to a lot of tears and unhappiness plus financial hardship on my part.

Should I say something or just take it on the chin like I have done throughout?

[nico88]

It's sort of unrealistic what you're wanting but I understand it at the same time. I would feel pretty bitter if I was in your shoes. Wouldn't want him around my kids either.

But the sad truth is if they're serious about each other it's only normal that he'd be in their lives and that she'd want him to bond with the kids.

It's a tough situation to be in and I feel for you man, but as long as it's not having a negative effect on the kids..I'd just let it be.

[smackie9]

I know you are bitter as to what happened, but this fellow is not 100% to blame for your breakup. Tho this man made a poor choice, it doesn't make him a criminal. It take two to tango, your GF was just as much as a part of this infidelity, and her going astray, well I don't know what your relationship was like before this happened, it could have played a role in this, but that is here nor there. What she is doing is not against the law unless you feel your children are in danger. Your complaining about it will not stop her, it will only add tension and could cause more issues. The only way you resolve this is to get full custody and that isn't going to happen.

It doesn't matter if it's him, or a new man in her life, what difference would it make? The only thing you can do is get over your bitterness and be the best loving and supporting father as you possibly can.

[XyOh]

To elaborate on what smackie9 said, I would say that it is 100% your partner's fault. You really can't put any blame on this man other than that he's kind of a low life person for pursuing (assuming your partner didn't pursue him) your partner. Your partner is the person who decided that you and her children were not important enough for her to work on before she decided to have an affair. If he's not fit to be around your children for this reason, then neither is your wife. You obviously feel like your wife is still fit to be around your children even though she put all of you through this because you've resolved this much tension with her thus far.

You're allowed to feel resentment and bitterness, but this is something that you cannot control. It's best to let it go. You probably don't really understand the details of how the affair began or how she feels about this guy. Since the two of you are set to be a team for life (or at least until your children are adults), it might help that you work on getting to a point where you can talk about what happened and find out what her feelings are about this guy. Part of you might prefer to stay in the dark and if that's the case, then you really just have to accept things as the way they are. If there's a part of you however that thinks you're ready to communicate honestly, you feel that any information (not matter how upsetting) can be dealt with rationally, then maybe it's better to understand and get to know the relationship that the two of them have. This way perhaps you can know who he is, maybe even meet him, and you can then make a real judgement call on whether this man should be in your children's lives.

I know that this is a very hard thing to ask a person to endure and you don't have to do it at all. But the other option is to understand you have very limited control over who your wife chooses to be with and their interaction with your children.

[smackie9]

I agree....if it wasn't this guy, it would have been someone else.

[Sebastian H]

I accept that, really I do. Personally, and maybe I just look too much into it or am being overly melodramatic but this man has already shown what type of person he is. He entered a family home, had sex with my partner repeatedly and convinced her to leave me knowing of our children. Believe me, she also played a part. But what if my children bond with him, what if they rely on him and suddenly he realises that two children not his own is not for him and leaves. I don't want to confuse them or hurt them any more than they have already been put through which is why I made my thoughts clear to her that I didn't specifically want HIM around my children.

[smackie9]

Maybe sending them to counseling and yourself, can help ease the confusion and pain.

[XyOh]

I accept that, really I do. Personally, and maybe I just look too much into it or am being overly melodramatic but this man has already shown what type of person he is. He entered a family home, had sex with my partner repeatedly and convinced her to leave me knowing of our children. Believe me, she also played a part. But what if my children bond with him, what if they rely on him and suddenly he realises that two children not his own is not for him and leaves. I don't want to confuse them or hurt them any more than they have already been put through which is why I made my thoughts clear to her that I didn't specifically want HIM around my children.

This can happen with ANY man. Your partner let a man enter your family home, had sex with him repeatedly, and let him convince her to leave you knowing she had children. But she's fit to be around them still, yes? You've accepted her as remaining apart of your children's lives. Therefore, the men she dates will also be in your children's lives. There's not a lot you can do about this other than discuss it with your ex. If she doesn't listen, you can either attempt to remove her from your children's lives or learn to deal with the reality of it.

[Valixy]

I accept that, really I do. Personally, and maybe I just look too much into it or am being overly melodramatic but this man has already shown what type of person he is. He entered a family home, had sex with my partner repeatedly and convinced her to leave me knowing of our children. Believe me, she also played a part. But what if my children bond with him, what if they rely on him and suddenly he realises that two children not his own is not for him and leaves. I don't want to confuse them or hurt them any more than they have already been put through which is why I made my thoughts clear to her that I didn't specifically want HIM around my children.

As long as mommy and daddy are there, children could accept pretty easily a second partner slowly or suddenly getting out of the picture. Most young children like to have as much as possible as their parents' attention and new partners are often seen as competition, so I don't think that you should worry too much about the children bonding in any special way very soon with this guy. Also, as long as he treats your children right, being your ex's current partner, he should be able to spend time with them, if she allows it. It isn't fair for you nor for the children that the man who helped ruining your home to have this privilige, but life is often unfair and the best you can do is to try to adapt as well as you can, suffering the least possible, when dealing with people who place their personal desires above anything else. They have some great personal lessons to learn and they will, while you can enjoy having good values in life, your children still so close to you and meeting someone else when you'll feel ready. I think that you should appreciate having a clean conscience and start enjoying your life a little, Sebastian.

[chinagirl]

My ex husband cheated on me too but I didn't hate the woman... I hated him because he was the one who had a wife and kids and still decided to go on and have sex with another girl.

Anyway, it took me awhile to recover but we are friends now and it's always for the best of the children when parents get along even when they are no longer together.

Even when I hated him, I never showed my kids any of my negative emotions towards their dad because it wasn't the right thing to do.

When we got divorced and he bought a house with the other woman, he immediately brought my kids there but my children nor my ex never heard a word from me. If my children are with him, whatever stuff he wants to do with my kids is his business as long as he's not putting my children in harms way, and I know he won't because he is actually a very good father to my children.

Being amicable with him during the divorce (even if I hated him to death at that time) and after the divorce actually helped my children grow up to be mentally and emotionally healthy.

You need to learn to let go of your ill feelings towards this guy. He's treating your kids right, that's all that should matter.

Part of being an adult is to make sacrifices for our children.

- - - Updated - - -

And my ex is not with his GF anymore but my kids were okay with that. They weren't confused. As long as the parents are always there to love them and make them feel secure, don't worry about any partner disappearing in life. It happens more often than you think.