She invited me to stay over at her place...then ignored me the whole time

[Syd__]

I'm a 20 year old guy and have recently broken up with my girlfriend of 1 year. The break up wasn't incredibly hard, and was mutual, but the process is painful nonetheless.

During the latter leagues the the relationship I was definitely ready to start seeing other people. I didn't cheat, but with my new found freedom I decided I would try to keep my eyes open for whatever else is out there. Last week I had been invited to hang out with some friends moving into their new house. One of their room mates was a girl who I thought was pretty attractive, physically and in terms of personality. (We'll call her A.) I mentioned this to one of her friends, I guess just to be open about it, and sure enough the next day A suddenly seems interested in talking to me. We flirted, joked, laughed, had a pretty nice time together but I did not feel like anything serious was coming of it, and I was certainly not ready to jump into anything serious again, so I just left it at that. I added her on facebook, and thought nothing more of it.

Soon my friends start telling me that I could go for A if I wanted to, because she's been vocal about me being "her type." It was exciting news, and a real boost of my self-esteem after my break up. This girl, who I thought was so pretty and cool, actually thought the same about me. I expressed to my friends that I didn't want anything serious, and they confirmed that she was essentially on the same page. Suddenly I start getting facebook messages from her, asking me about the area of town I live in and if maybe I could give her a tour if she came down. I pretty much said, "This side of town isn't very interesting, but I'll be back in your side of town this weekend." She told me that if I ever needed a place to crash, I could stay at her place. She even insinuated that I sleep in her room. So I asked her if I could stay at her place this weekend and she said, "Of course!"

The weekend came around, and I was heading over to her place. The plan was to drink a little, then me and a couple friends would go to this concert, and afterwards I'd hang out with A. She knew we were going to a concert and everything seemed fine and dandy. When I arrived, I certainly felt a lot of tension between me and A. It was hard to maintain eye contact for long and I felt a little nervous, but I still managed to make her laugh and we ate dinner together. When me and my friends started drinking, she offered me a beer and said she'd come out to chill with us in a few minutes. But she didn't. She stayed in her room the whole time. I went up and asked her, "A, want to come outside and hang out?" She said she would, and to give her a few minutes. But she never did.

The concert was amazing, and I was pretty wasted by the time we got back from it. We were walking up the street to A's house, and there she was with a group of maybe 15 people, heading to a bar on the main street. We joined them, but I wasn't sure if I should make a move or just let her come talk to me. So I held back for a bit to see where her mind was set. It was then that I started to notice some very passive aggressive behavior coming from A. She would walk ahead of me to ensure that I couldn't see her or talk to her. Getting nervous and flustered, I just walked up to her and started telling her about how amazing the concert was. She immediately shut down all of my questions and comments with quick responses, so as to end the conversation as fast as possible. I continued to drink more and become more confused. A couple more times I approached her to talk, and each time she would react the same way. There was a guy sitting near us who had a shirt of one of my favorite bands, so I just started talking about music with him. A chimed in, and for a moment I felt like maybe I was getting somewhere with her. But to my dismay she used the conversation that I had started to begin flirting with this other guy, right in front of me! At that point I got up and left, disappointed and humiliated. I ended up sleeping on my friend's couch.

The next day I did not see A at all, and no one could explain what had happened. My friends said it was probably not my fault, and that girls get cold feet sometimes, or that maybe she didn't want to appear "easy" or "flirtatious" in front of her group of friends. Since then I have not received any messages from her, and there has been very little closure to the situation. It's really a blow to my self esteem.

I've run the situation though my head many times to try and decipher what went wrong.

1. She thought I was just trying to **** her.

I honestly do not feel like I made any kind of move that would make her feel this way. Sure, we both KNEW that we weren't in for anything serious, but why jump to that conclusion? And why so abruptly, just in the middle of the night?

2. She didn't want to be my rebound.

It was no secret that I had just recently broken up. I guess it's possible she felt like I just wanted something to ease my loneliness. Even so, she knew this prior to even messaging me on facebook, and everything seemed completely fine up until the turning point. I think me being single was one of the biggest reasons she even started flirting with me in the first place.

3. I was really drunk.

Perhaps she thought I was too drunk, and she didn't like the way I was behaving or just didn't find it attractive in the moment. But honestly it felt like I didn't even get the chance to do anything embarrassing, because she was rejecting me before I could even have a real conversation with her.


There are a lot of other possibilities, but I don't think any of them really matter. There was just zero communication and it left me feeling very insecure and humiliated. I just can't figure out what she was expecting from me. Did she want me to be more suave? Did she want me to make a move and be more assertive? It was just the most awkward night and it's left me so confused and baffled. I do not want to have to go through this again with girls in the future, so I would appreciate some kind of explanation if anyone has one.

[smackie9]

3. you were really drunk is my guess, but not only that, she didn't feel any chemistry during your date. She was pretty rude and didn't handle the situation right. She wanted you gone. It's possible she knew this would put her and you on the spot because you were to hit the couch at her place, and she regretted making that suggestion. You can tell your friends she sucks as a person.

- - - Updated - - -

Note: never shack up at someones flat when it's a first date. That has wrong written all over it. Keep first dates, alcohol free say like go for a coffee date for 45 mins, very simple. Getting overly shitfaced isn't kool at all, so next time keep it to one or two drinks on any date period.

[XyOh]

Lots of things are going on here, but I think the main thing you should take away from this is that not all girls like to be approached so casually. She probably had some expectation of everything being a little bit more romantic, thought she could deal with all the extra people, and ultimately, bit off more than she could chew. It sounds like her expectations might have been too high and she thought you would plan a night with mostly just her instead of mostly your friends. Since you continued to have a good time with your friends and then drinking, this probably only compounded in her head that you weren't treating her a special as she wanted you to be.

And that's not your fault. People don't always connect in the same way. Even if she knew neither of you wanted anything serious, she still had some expectations obviously.

If you want to avoid it in the future, don't make plans with a girl without attempting to give her a little more of your attention. It probably would have went better if you told her you were going to be in town, you planned on staying with your friends, but you wouldn't mind hanging out to get to know her. This would have freed both of you up from these expectations. Since you were planning on staying with her, it would be appropriate if you gave her a good portion of your attention (i.e., not drinking with your friends, not going to a concert without her).

Once again, you really didn't do anything wrong, but if you were interested in her, you didn't really do anything right either ... haha. This incident is probably a little bit of an anomaly, so I wouldn't worry about it happening again. Just be mindful of the next girl's feelings and determine how much of your attention you're actually willing to bestow.

[so..umhey]

Mmm idk what to tell u. This grl sounds bipolar or somethin. I wouldn't dwell on it

[basilandthyme]

Mmm idk what to tell u. This grl sounds bipolar or somethin. I wouldn't dwell on it

Bipolar is a serious mental illness. Throwing such terms around in a cavalier manner does nobody any favours.

[so..umhey]

Bipolar is a serious mental illness. Throwing such terms around in a cavalier manner does nobody any favours.

My b lady. Sorry....