Newbie to the site with a new issue

[Lovelynurse711]

Hi. I am currently in a relationship a little over 2 years. Things have been pretty wonderful. We have a baby together. Currently we are due to move across the country for his job. He has lived there before. As scared as I am to pick up my life, leave my friends and my wonderful job - I am/was willing to relocate for him, and of course to keep my family together-- and ~~love. today, yes<<I snooped through his iPad. Bad mistake...or good. He sent a photo of his ex girlfriend to his best friend of her that said "my heart still jumps when I see her after all of these years."
This ripped my heart in two. How am I suppose to take that?
He tried to explain and say she was the first girl to break his heart and his friend is going through a situation like that currently-- and blah - whatever - I'm too hurt to hear the reasonings at the moment.
What to do....

[smackie9]

So he still finds her attractive, so what. This doesn't mean he feels any less for you. You can't control his feelings, and I'm sure they are not what you think, if they were he would still be pursuing her and not be bothered with you. I would take his word for it that he was showing empathy for his friend and let it go.

- - - Updated - - -

Reality check: whatever goes on in ones head is no one's business. Everyone has secret crushes, fantasies, sexual daydreams of other people, from time to time in their life. No one is 100% committed in their mind. So to think that you are the only one he thinks about is unrealistic. So relax, enjoy your new life together. Don't let this poison your relationship.

[searock]

He doesn't just still find her attractive, his "heart still jumps when he sees her". This means that there are unresolved feelings that need to be addressed, before he can truly give his 100% in a new relationship.

I'm all for condoning crushes on other people while in a relationship, it happens to everybody sooner or later, but it seems like this guy is still partially hung up on his ex, a woman he had true feelings for, not some woman he just met and fantasizes about.

[XyOh]

You snooped through his ipad. Bad mistake ... or good? ... yeah, ... uh ... NOT good.

I would like to stress that snooping through your significant other's personal belongings is disrespectful, an invasion of privacy, and shows mistrust. You looked because you were insecure about yourself and now you've made yourself even more insecure. I think he might have more of a right to be upset with you than you do with him.

First off, you have NO RIGHT to be mad at him. Yes, be mad ... but not at him. Because he doesn't deserve your anger. You know how courts can't use evidence if it was illegally obtained by the police even if the defendant is guilty? Well, this is similar. No, I don't think him sharing the photo of his ex was appropriate. Yes, I do think he might have unresolved issues with his ex. I also think that he was confiding something in himself to a friend by a means of communication that made him feel safe and you violated that. You feel hurt and that's not his fault.

The bright side (and yes, I say the bright side) is that he's willing to communicate with you about this. Get yourself together and figure out what his feelings are about his ex. Yes, it's going to hurt. But try to listen and try to understand. The more you can get out of him, the better he'll feel about the relationship the two of you have. Talk about it consistently and often. Ask questions. Don't punish him for telling you the truth by being angry, insecure, or bitter. Listen the way a friend would listen and try to figure out if the way he feels has anything to do with the way he views your own relationship. Give him a chance to redeem himself.

Most importantly, you need to apologize for invading his privacy and you need to never do it again. You need to show trust, respect, and love and you can't do this by snooping. EVER. Dig deep inside of yourself and figure out what insecurities you have that caused you to do this in the first place. Do you feel like he feels trapped in the relationship because the two of you have children? Please ... TALK. IT. OUT. Earlier you said "He tried to say she was the first girl to break his heart blah blah blah ..."

That "blah blah blah" statement tells me that you're not willing to listen. If you want to get to the bottom of what your insecurities are and how he feels about his past relationship, you need to listen. Not react. Listen.

[smackie9]

Like I said, there is no control over how one feels about someone, tbh it's no ones business, not even yours. He's not quite over her, so what, that shouldn't stop him from moving one with his life. The straight fact is, their relationship is over, it's done and he knows that, so there is no threat. Like I said, you just got smacked with a reality, that no one is 100% mentally committed.



And I agree with the above post 100%. You snooped, you are insecure, get that fixed before it destroys your relationship.

[Lovelynurse711]

Thank you all for your responses. I agree with each of you. It took a few hours for us to communicate effectively but I understand where he is coming from. I do have insecurities- he is an amazing man and in the back of my mind I am constantly (Not that I want to) thinking I'm not good enough for him. I compare myself to others and I know that's no way to live happily. I have probably picked up his iPad 3 times our entire relationship but there is never anything...until now. But you're right- it was a conversation I should have never saw.

[lalalita]

Why did you feel the need to snoop in the first place?

[MrLoyal]

I am guilty of being a snooper so I know how you feel. Only thing is I had evidence that would have probably got me a warrant so I feel I had to.

It was not just evidence though, I was insecure as shit and have changed that now.

Trust your bf, give him a break. If he lies to you and/or cheats he wasn't worth it anyway.