Please help

[noord]

I've been dating a man for 6 months now and just about 3 weeks ago he cheted, he came clean bout it told me everything and we hve been working trough it. Now last friday because its so hard to simply trust him like before again I look trough his phone... I know I know... Wrong. But there were msgs betwen him and a female. Nothing out of the ordinary except that the last msg she sent him was a kiss. I saved the number and I ejded up calling this girl.. She immediately called him and let him kniw that someone called her asking about him. And now he is extremely angry about this he doesn't want to talk to me.. Turns out this girl is proveyor for the company we work for. I don't know how to take this. There wasn't anything in these msgs tht suggests any relationship except for her sending him a kiss.. I don't know what to think or what to do.. Advice is urgently needed...

[TheEvilJester]

What you did was wrong, but it was absolutely understandable. In this situation it is really going to be hard to trust him again. If you ever can, it is going to take time, and it is going to mean he will have to work to prove he deserves it.

Though what you did was wrong, I honestly feel like he had no right to be mad at you or be upset for it. It should be somewhat expected that you are a little mistrusting right now. He should have nothing to hide. However, I would advise that if you are serious about trying to give him the chance to prove it won't happen again, that does mean you need to work towards forgiving and forgetting. You need to work towards trusting him again. So, stuff like secretly snooping on him is out of the question.

At the same time, for at least a little while, he really should be extra transparent to PROVE to you that he is serious about not letting it happen again. So, whether it was innocent or not, you shouldn't have had to snoop to find out he was talking to some woman. Now, you said it was apparently a business discussion and not personal, but that still doesn't change that instead of him just being up front about it, you had to snoop to find out.

I have to admit, I'm still somewhat on the fence with issues like this. Because, I honestly really lean towards saying once a cheater always a cheater. I just don't see people like this ever changing. But, perhaps I am just too cynical. I haven't exactly been given reason to have much faith in humanity in general.

If you haven't already, you need to have a more serious discussion with him about the whole thing. Don't be accusatory or turn it into an argument. Just set some clear boundaries, as well as tell him what he can do to help you regain trust in him. As long as your requests are reasonable, he should be more than willing to put up with the mistrust for a little while.

By the same token, if after a while he has proven himself trustworthy, but you still can't get over it, that may tell you that it is best to move on. Because, if by some chance he DOES prove himself trustworthy, then he doesn't deserve to still be punished for what he did. Yet, at the same time, even if he DOES prove himself trustworthy, that doesn't make it wrong if that feels too little too late for you. That is a hard thing from which to come back. But, if it does come to that point, then for his sake and yours, you need to end it.

Either way, good luck to you. I hope you find what you want in life, whether that means this guy proves it was a mistake he will never make again, and you stay together, or if it means you move on to somebody else.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just call it a day and get rid of him. He's cheated on you already and some girl (whether she works with him or not) sending him a kiss is him on his way to cheating on you yet again. Instead of understanding why you snooped he was furious with you. None of what he's done and is doing is a good sign.

You are obviously NOT meant to spend the rest of your lives together so just dump the chump and get on with the process of getting over him and what he's done to your confidence and self-esteem.

He's a douche bag and the sooner you realize that and get out of his life, the better off you'll be in the future.

[noord]

Thanks so much for your reply's. The thing is he is a rather difficult man, he has always been like this. And he is really touchy about his things. I know what I did was wrong completely so. But his point is that I did this with someone who is a business contact. He has always been very protective of his job as he should. Now I'm desperate... I don't want to be but I was alone for a long time and gve myself this chance with him nded up falling in love with him and now I just feel scared ... I don't want to lose him but I don't kno how to fix this.. We both made mistakes.. I don't know what to do and its making me physically ill.. I know it sound dramatic.. But that's what is happening. After cheating I started having panic attacks and I'd starting gettong those under control just this past week but now I'm back to being a complete mess..

[XyOh]

I can't really give you advice on how to stay with someone who cheated because I have always left a person who cheated on me. I don't believe in the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater," but I only really believe people are worthy of redemption if they've been together for at least a couple of years.

You have been together for 6 months and he cheated. This is not good. Not good at all. 6 months into any relationship, the two of you should be in a honeymoon period still. I'm currently 6 months into my own relationship and I WOULDN'T DREAM of cheating on him and I would be amazed to find out if he cheated on me. If I found out he cheated, I'm pretty sure I would just leave him without any hesitation considering I'm pretty crazy about him right now and he's a really wonderful guy. His number would be deleted from my phone, I'd cry for a night or two, and then I'd go play some frisbee with my dog. I kind of suggest you do the same.

Staying with a man who's cheated is really deciding to put yourself through some very undeserved turmoil because you've decided that this man is worth sacrificing your peace of mind. Are you really just afraid of being alone vs. being with him? You've been alone for a long time and that period sucked, yes, but guess what, you were probably a lot happier then whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. Right now, you're a phone raiding, stranger calling mess and do you really like yourself right now? Compare yourself to who you were when you were alone. Do you like that person better or the person you are now? I can tell you I probably like the person you were back then better. I think I would like future you that dumps this guy a lot better.

If you really want to work things out, good luck. You're going to need it. As well as maybe some herculean will power, some meditation books, and a bottle of anxiety medication. Try to talk things out, but try to learn to trust again. Tell him that he's going to have to earn back your trust and these are the issues that both of you are going to have to deal with to get to that place. If you'd rather stew in your misery waiting for miracles to happen, then fine, do it. Everyone needs to learn the hard way sometimes. Try to come out of this endeavor with healthier outlook on yourself and on life. Don't let it break you. Break it off before it does.

[TheEvilJester]

He's a rather difficult man? He's touchy about things? And this is a guy you still want to be with even after he has cheated on you? I mean, I could MAYBE see if you were dating Mr. Perfect (Except that he passed away, wrestling fans, anybody?) and he cheated on you that you might be willing to try to work on it. But, from the little you've told us, this guy doesn't sound like much of a winner to begin with, and then he goes and cheats on you? Personally, I've always thought of cheating with a no tolerance policy myself. I guess I wouldn't know unless it happened, but I don't feel like I could ever forgive a person for that, or trust them again. I mean, gosh, my ex is about the biggest scumbag I've ever known (which I discovered long into our relationship) and even she would never cheat on somebody.

Anyway, it doesn't sound to me like this chap is even worth the tremendous effort and heartache you would be putting yourself through if you are actually going to try to make this work. Again, though, none of us can really tell you what to do. That has to be your decision. If you do want to stick with him, than I do wish you the best of luck and hope, for your sake, that it works out. Still, my personal gut feeling is that it isn't worth it, and he doesn't deserve it anyway. Good luck either way, my friend.

[Wakeup]

Thanks so much for your reply's. The thing is he is a rather difficult man, he has always been like this. And he is really touchy about his things. I know what I did was wrong completely so. But his point is that I did this with someone who is a business contact. He has always been very protective of his job as he should. Now I'm desperate... I don't want to be but I was alone for a long time and gve myself this chance with him nded up falling in love with him and now I just feel scared ... I don't want to lose him but I don't kno how to fix this.. We both made mistakes.. I don't know what to do and its making me physically ill.. I know it sound dramatic.. But that's what is happening. After cheating I started having panic attacks and I'd starting gettong those under control just this past week but now I'm back to being a complete mess..

I can tell you what to do (since you asked) and I will: Get some personal therapy or utilized the talents of a good life coach and take the road you need to take to get over your codependency and lack of self-respect/worth. He is not the man you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. If he was, then you'd not be feeling this pain and uncertainty.

Get out now before you marry him or move in with him out of fear of being alone and end up being emotionally abused for the rest of your life until he gets sick of your doormattery and leaves YOU. Take back your personal power and try to see yourself happier down the road without him and his angst inducing actions that are anything but LOVE.

There's the harsh truth to you, Op. Now; What would YOU tell your daughter if she was being made to feel the way you're feeling while she pretended that what she had with him was love?

- - - Updated - - -

A measly six months and you're already emotionally drained and sick due to your relationship with this man. It WILL NOT get better. Stop ignoring all these red flags and tell him to eff off and leave you the hell alone. Seriously, where is your pride that you need to keep a man in your life that cheats right dab in the throes of the honeymoon period when new relationship energy is at its strongest. WTH do you think he'll do to you when your sex life has become more routine and less lusty?

[TheEvilJester]

Now; What would YOU tell your daughter if she was being made to feel the way you're feeling while she pretended that what she had with him was love?

That is an amazing, and powerful point. I don't even think anybody need say anything more. Wakeup, that was perfect. Heck, just imagine it was anybody for whom you cared deeply and you saw them in this situation. What do you think you would tell them? I very much doubt you'd tell them to stick it out. So, why put yourself through that?