Seeing a Single Parent...Kinda?

[MapleAshes]

Please, help me..I'm so lost.

I'm in college about to go into graduate school, and when I was on Spring Break, I met this guy on a dating app. I didn't think anything would come of it, but we texted for hours each night, met up twice before I went back to school, and even talked on the phone once or twice. Things were great, and neither of us really knew what was going to happen walking into it because..um..he's older than I am with a daughter who is in high school. He confessed to me that he wants to see where things go with us but that he felt like the age difference was something he needs to overcome.

He also confessed to me that he has an incredibly busy life because he works as a manager/supervisor of an IT team on top of being a single parent with full custody of a daughter who still doesn't drive. He travels a lot for work, and after about our third date, he started getting busier and busier. I tried to be understanding and let it go when he would plan dates literally hours beforehand and would apologize for being so hectic and sometimes unresponsive. He also told me that he didn't mind if I tried to text or call him...but these past few weeks, we've been barely talking at all. One instance, we went over a week without talking because, while I tried to call him (and still grant him some space because I hate feeling like I'm crowding a guy), he didn't respond or try to call me back. After that, we went on a night trip together into a city, and he was incredibly romantic and considerate- telling me that he was having a great time. He even thanked me for being available because the week prior I told him I was staying at the college. Now, I'm home for the summer, and that night trip (which was in the beginning of May) was our last date together..

I finally worked up the courage to confront him about it because I always ended up feeling like a jerk to him before because of how much is going on in his life. I sent him a text saying that I'd like to talk to him one night, but he didn't respond so I finally sent a long one explaining what I wanted to talk about while he was at work... He called me later and was incredibly apologetic- like he usually is- telling me that he was sorry for "slacking" as he put it and that it wasn't right of him. He explained that he was having an incredibly difficult week at work, especially since the next week he needed to leave for another business trip, and that things were crazy. But he told me that they should cool down by July (because he has another business trip after this one and then a trip he's taking his daughter and her friends on)..but that he'd like to try. And he was very understanding of my side and that I'd like to be there for him but that it would also kind of be nice once in a while to hear from him and know he's thinking about me.. We texted a few times that weekend (Memorial weekend), and he apologized for his behavior again. But I haven't heard from him since that Sunday night, and although we don't talk much, he's still considerate when we do and very gentle- wanting to know about my life.

So, I don't know what to make of it... I feel like I'm being clingy and needy to him and that I'm chasing him away...am I? What can I do to improve things, and his birthday is this Sunday... My friend said to give him space till Monday, but won't I be a jerk for not saying something on his birthday? I feel horrible thinking like that..

[lalalita]

There is nothing wrong with either of you. It's just the simple issue that you two are not compatible. You are in very different times of your life and have two very different ideas of how much contact should be going in in a relationship. I'm not saying move on because he's a bad guy, I'm saying move on because you're in for a ton of heartache if you keep this going. It takes 5 seconds to shoot a text message. He could be in contact with you more, he's just not. It isn't an important to him as it is for you. For me, that's a deal breaker.

[MapleAshes]

I can see what you mean, but I really like him.. When we talk, it doesn't even feel like there is an age gap because we're mostly talking about all kinds of things like old movie references and all. And he's really funny too; he always knows what to say to make my day brighter.. I'm sorry if I'm whining, but I just wish there was a way to find a compromise or something. He's really good with me because I also have some self esteem problems that I'm trying to sort through with a family friend of ours who is a therapist (and have been since before I met him).. He's very patient with me and understanding.

Although, there is another part of it...He did tell me that a lot of times when he goes silent, it's a case of where he's trying to get everything done and kind of forgets until it's about midnight and doesn't want to wake me. And, I'll be honest that sometimes I think that he's seeing other people because we're not official..

[lalalita]

There is someone out there who will make you feel all that great stuff without any of the doubt or communication problems.

[chinagirl]

This relationship isn't going to work. You never mentioned his age but I gather that he's got to be in his mid thirties or older. He is in a very different stage in life compared to you.

You haven't even started your life yet and he's midway in his life already. You need to find someone who meets your needs in terms of time, availability and attention.

My BF is extremely busy in his work and add the responsibility that he has with his kids makes him even busier. To me, it's okay because I have a job plus three kids that occupy my time (beside the "love forum" of course ;-), and a home to take care of. As long as we make it a point to spend time with each other at least 3 times a week and speak on the phone everyday. I am also a lot older than you are, so I've done a lot of things in life, accomplished a lot, travelled a lot, and my greatest achievement, being a mother to my three beloved children.

My guess is that you haven't had a lot of experiences yet in life, so you need to find someone you can spend those precious experiences with and not be in the mercy of someone who barely has the time for you.

Leave now before you really fall for this guy because then, it will be difficult to get out.

[smackie9]

Listen, I know you are living in the moment, you are young, and the attention (when you are getting it) is exciting. You sooooooooo want this bad BUT sorry darling you are wasting your time. What you should be doing is calling him up and tell him "Sorry, but this isn't working out......."



You sure this guy isn't married or has a GF? because he sure is acting like he does. Not responding to calls or texts, don't hear from him for a week, always busy at work, always excuses, apologies, etc.....get out before it destroys you emotionally.

[MapleAshes]

Listen, I know you are living in the moment, you are young, and the attention (when you are getting it) is exciting. You sooooooooo want this bad BUT sorry darling you are wasting your time. What you should be doing is calling him up and tell him "Sorry, but this isn't working out......."

You sure this guy isn't married or has a GF? because he sure is acting like he does. Not responding to calls or texts, don't hear from him for a week, always busy at work, always excuses, apologies, etc.....get out before it destroys you emotionally.

First of all, thank you all for responding. I truly appreciate your efforts to try to help me..

And, smackie9, it's kind of just how relaxing it is to be around him. Yes, the attention is nice, and he feels good in that way.. But at the same time, it's also how easy it is for me to not hold back and just tell him anything.. And part of why it was hard for me to work up the courage to confront him about it was the fact that while it's easy to tell him anything, I felt like it'd be a deal breaker for him to have that kind of talk when we're not even official. But I see your point, and I thank you for replying..I'd like to thank you all for replying.

As for the marriage thing, he was married for a number of years (and originally lived out in Seattle), and they moved out here (New Jersey) because his wife's family was from this area. But then she, according to him, changed her mind and became unhappy with the life that she had with him and their daughter. So, she asked him for a divorce, and she still has some visiting rights- she just got remarried. But, other than that, he hasn't mentioned anyone, and I don't think there's anyone... My friend thinks that I might have been clingy/needy to him and kind of pushed him away a little by not giving enough space (although I try to give about 2 or 3 days space each week and not send more than one text when I try to contact him- I also don't text him on the same day I try calling him...but lately, I guess I have been sending him two texts a day sometimes..) and that I should wait till next Monday to call it quits. But this friend also knows my track record, so that's what kinda brought me here...I'm not sure if I was pushing him away or if he is like you think he might be or is really just clueless because he gets distracted in grocery stores even and forgets what he's looking for...

[lalalita]

You're missing the point entirely.

[smackie9]

You have to remember when you are with child, you have to date differently and single dads are no different. Not only are they looking for a lover, partner, but also a potential parent for their child to share the responsibility. He has to think in the long term, priorities, future goals, etc. He just might think you are too young, have too many issues, not mature enough to fit into his life, so why would he waste his time. I like this quote so I'm going to use it again.....you need to date "smarter". Be treated the way you want to be treated, if not, stop wasting your time. You are being desperate over a guy you have gone out with twice.....not a good sign.

[MapleAshes]

I'm sorry, everyone.. You're right. :/ I just need to face facts and let him go.

Thank you, everyone, for your replies and honest feedback...This is a really good site. I'm really sorry if I irritated any of you.

[smackie9]

Just helping you think a little harder............peace.