Wrestling with jealousy, would love some help please

[Eve27]

I have a problem that I would like help solving, please. The problem is that I cannot control the feelings of jealousy I get from knowing that my boyfriend has slept with twice the number of people I have.

Not only this, but I tend to attribute a lot of value to sex and only have sex in relationships, whereas he has tended to sleep around and not be in relationships.

My emotional, non-rational response to this situation is to feel disgusted and that I might just be a number. I cannot get over the thought that so many other women have known him, and that he had a casual, promiscuous approach to sex that I don’t really share. I feel it cheapens the contact I have with him now.
As I say, this is emotional and non-rational. I know this. The fact that I feel this at all has shocked me and made me feel immature, because I consider myself a rational person.

My rational side tells me that his number of sexual partners doesn’t matter and should be utterly irrelevant. My rational side tells me to be grateful that he is such a good match for me in all other respects, that I love him and that what really matters is the life we are making for ourselves now.

But I just cannot get over these negative feelings, no matter how hard I try. I try to tell myself that his past doesn’t matter, and that the number of people he’s slept with is just a number, but I just cannot think my way past this problem.

Can anyone give me advice or helpful ways of thinking to help me get over this please? I want to be truly happy with him, but feel that I can’t until I find a way to deal with these irrational feelings. Thank you.

[Wakeup]

I cannot get over the thought that so many other women have known him, and that he had a casual, promiscuous approach to sex that I don’t really share. I feel it cheapens the contact I have with him now.

You're with someone you're not compatible with on a very fundamental personal boundary level. Unless you know how to change what has been ingrained into you as you grew up, then don't stay with him because if you haven't been able to stifle your retrograde jealousy and the negative thoughts on your own, then anything we say here to tell you how silly some of us may think you're being will NOT change your mindset.

Even if we say it's how he is treating YOU now that you should be looking at and not how he was before. Does he give you any reason to think he's not capable of monogamy?

[allymareek]

I find that a lot of the time jealousy stems from something deeper - do you think you are worried because you're inadequate compared to his past flings? That your relationship with him is not as meaningful as you'd like it to be? That he'll cheat on you with someone else?

It would probably be a good idea to have a think about the root cause of your jealously and then talk it over with him so that you can get the reassurance you need. From what you've written, it looks to be like you are worried that he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about him. What do you need him to do in the future so that you DO believe in your relationship? Obviously no one can turn back time, and there is the risk that he is unable to do what you need him to, but I think that would go a long way in allaying some of your insecurities here.

[michelle23]

I wouldnt date someone like your bf. Sex means more to me and I need a man who shares the same values as me. I agree that your not compatible and i think you should be with someone more like you. I honestly dont think people who have such a casual approach to sex are really capable of monogamy long term. And I couldnt be with someone I dont trust

[TheEvilJester]

I can't necessarily comment since I have never been like most men when it comes to sex. To me, sex should only be in a loving relationship, not just with anyone you possibly can. But, I think most men are perfectly happy to just have casual sex. So, you can't necessarily fault him for something that the majority of men either do, or would happily do. As long as it isn't something overly excessive, you can't fault somebody for their past. Is he faithful to you and only you now? If so, then that is all that should matter.

Though, if it bothers you, that doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. You are allowed to have your morals and standards. If you don't agree with that, then that is your opinion and you are entitled to it. However, you need to decide if it means enough to you that he is not compatible with you, or if it is something you can look past. Because, as long as his past was with all consenting adults, then he has done nothing wrong. So he doesn't deserve to be treated as though he has. Yet, at the same time, if it is important enough to you, then you deserve to be with somebody who shares your standards. So, basically you need to decide how important it is to you, and either learn to work around it, or end the relationship if it matters that much. Better to end it sooner rather than later.

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for, be it with this fella, or somebody else.