In Love But Insecurity Rules

[twirling]

Hi,

I was really hoping to get a few words of advice on my situation. Thanks for listening.

I've fallen for a girl and we've been seeing each other for about 2 months now. It started very carefully and casually, and we live in different countries (about an hour away by plane) and there is an age gap - she is in her early 20s and I'm in my late 30s.

She and I have a special connection, we both know it is there and we are very happy when we're together. It is a bit like a dream scenario when we see each other - and have now done this three times over a 3-5 day period when we can afford it/have time.

My insecurity is that I know she has doubts about the age gap, specifically what will happen in several years time when she is ready for kids. But we finally reached a point where we have agreed that despite me being made aware of her doubts and fears longer term, we are going for it.

She has told me that she is falling in love with me, and has become more and more affectionate, loving and open as time has moved on, but recently she went away and there were periods of time (12-19 hours) without any contact. No texts, calls or anything.

My reaction to this, despite making brief contact just to wish her well is that - from my point of view - I want to contact someone that I have started really caring for - because I just want to let them know that they are on my mind, and I'm thinking of them. It also serves as a bit of reassurance in a difficult long distance situation, creates a sigh of relief to know that not only is that person ok, but that they have you on their mind.

She texted me only at the end and beginning of the day, and even though I know it was a busy time away and it may well have been more difficult to make contact (for a number of reasons), I am left totally deflated, rejected and very upset.

I'm trying to figure out what she is thinking or not thinking - or whether it is just a matter of being very different people, with different ages and therefore different priorities.

Just hate the feeling of being unimportant, particularly when so much has been shared, said and done so far...

Thanks so much again for any thoughts on this.

[basilandthyme]

Twirling, I'm sorry...but this is going to end in tears. Long distance is tough at the best of times, but mix in the age differenc, your level of insecurity and neediness and it's not surprising that it's all going pear shaped for you.

I think the two of you really need to make a decision NOW on the kids issue. If she wants kids in 10-15 years time, are you up for that? Yes or No? If you don't want kids in 10 or 15 years, you may as well just end it now and find someone who's compatible with you. Leaving such important decisions in the air will only add to your level of anxiety.

I also have to say that you you feeling deflated, rejected and upset if she's out of contact for a mere 12-19 hours is downright alarming. Mate, if you can't trust that she still loves you and cares for you when you're out of contact for less than a day, either you or the relationship has big problems.

Time for you to do some serious navel gazing about this.

[gallifrey]

Have you even actually tried to talk to her about your insecurities?

Personally, 12-19 hours without any contact don't sound like that much to me when I'm busy, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you should tell her. If you just keep it all to yourself, this isn't going to end well.

Long-distance relationships with quite an age gap aren't automatically doomed to fail, but they probably will, if the people involved don't communicate their feelings/thoughts/doubts.

You already know that she's falling for you, so do yourself a favour and have a nice long talk about what's bothering you. Depending on how she reacts, you'll need to decide whether all the hassle is worth it.

[so..umhey]

Yah 12 to 19 hrs is nothin to get upset over. I kno being long distance texts r like ur only means of contacting but I don't think it's a problem if she's not texting u all day every day. U kno she cares for u so just have a little faith in her!

[smackie9]

You are only two months in and that means you are obsessed with each other, better known as the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship....you feel a great connection, they are perfect, you have never felt this way before blah blah blah, we have heard it all before. You feel invincible, and can overcome anything....this is what leads to issues, issues you overlook, you are in denial, refuse to see the reality that it's not going to work. You fall into worry because you now are heading down a slippery slope.

Sure you "go for it" throwing caution into the wind, but reality is setting in. The age gap is becoming evident. She's young, she is going to be more socially active, more sexually driven/available, like most her age. This and the fact you are long distance. You both are foolishly blowing off the reality that someday she will want a family. This is going to be the ender eventually, there is no doubt about it. Yes your insecurities are valid, and should be taken as a warning that you shouldn't go no further. This will shake you down.....you are better off finding someone, not only age appropriate, but someone that is at the same stage of life with the same priorities, and future goals. You two couldn't be more far apart.

Basilandthyme is right, this is going to end in tears.

[twirling]

thanks for all your replies so far, and you've, in very different ways given me a lot to think about. I do think though that every relationship is unique, and although the issue down the road of having a family is a very real one, I'd like to get over the short-term hurdle of these few insecurities first before we address the bigger issue. I will try to talk to her at length and get all this out in the open as soon as possible. Thanks again.

[smackie9]

She can do a 5 year relationship, and still have plenty of time ahead of her to have a family, etc.....but where does that leave you? out in the cold.