A guy in need of advice - girls who kiss a lot of random guys?

[searock]

Yes he is entitled to his opinion of course, it just irks me that he says that he isn't judgmental when in fact he is.

It's not about him not wanting to date someone who has slept with guys she wasn't in a relationship with, that's his prerogative, he is entitled to it just as he's entitled to his opinions. It's about him judging those that do and then saying that he's openminded and not judgmental.

[KingZ]

He's not being particularly judgmental. No more than the average person.

Relax.

[michelle23]

Yes he is entitled to his opinion of course, it just irks me that he says that he isn't judgmental when in fact he is.

It's not about him not wanting to date someone who has slept with guys she wasn't in a relationship with, that's his prerogative, he is entitled to it just as he's entitled to his opinions. It's about him judging those that do and then saying that he's openminded and not judgmental.

I get what your saying hun but we are all judgemental in different ways. We judge people based on our own standards. Its part of being human. I hate people who hold lesser standards for themselves than they do for others-like backup thinking its okay for him to sleep around but wants to marry a near virgin for example. That pisses me off but its only natural for people to set similar standards for others as they do for themselves. I know its unrealistic because we are all different but thats what most people do.

I do think OP is insecure and has the whole retrograde jealousy thing going on because getting upset over kissing is a bit extreme especially since most normal teenagers kiss multiple people while they are figuring out who they are, what they want, trying to impress their peers or just bored with nothing else to do.. no man I have ever dated has asked me how many people I have kissed lol.

[Confused367]

Kingz said it well, I'm not being particularly judgmental, but like another poster already said, the risk of herpes from kissing someone like the girl I mentioned could be pretty high (hence the statement that I find ti disgusting), and I really don't need that for the rest of my life (and yes, I did consider that risk when the girl told me how many guys she's kissed). On one hand I can avoid these things, and on another, I consider intimacy something you do with someone you really like, not everyone you have the opportunity to do it with.

Michelle23: I have more than enough confidence, and I don't find it problematic that my future girlfriend has kissed a guy she likes. That's perfectly normal. But the girl I was talking about was an extreme case with issues, which she herself admitted. As far as retrograde jealousy is concerned, I'm not that guy. Like I said, I have no problem with my future girlfriend having kissed a few guys she liked before she met me. That's normal. But come on, 30 guys by age 20? I mean ok, I won't judge, to each his own, it's her life. But I was right about being careful around her as it turned out, so yeah. This is not so much about the number of partners as it is about the fact that the mentality of such people simply doesn't sit with me at all. Intimacy is something I share with someone I've known for a while and someone I really like. It's not something I give to anyone.

HdBadger is also right, some people are stomping on me because they don't like the idea of being rejected on the account of promiscuity. Too bad, so sad, but I'll tell you one thing - 99% of all people will accept a partner who is not promiscuous, but many people will reject one who is. And that's a fact. If you don't like it, too bad for you, but the truth is the truth. If I was promiscuous, I wouldn't be doing myself a favor. Unwanted pregnancies, possible STDs, and even herpes is not a laughing matter to me, not to mention that potential partners would reject me if I happened to be promiscuous. Why would I sabotage myself? And one day, when my partner asks me about my past sex life (she is entitled to it by the way - if you can't be honest about these things with the person you have chosen to be your life partner, then that's just sad), I won't be ashamed to tell her. Not to mention my future girlfriend will be that much happier to know how special she actually is (which she will be). However, I also want the same in return.

[michelle23]

Im not disagreeing with you. I happen to share your opinion on most of what you said and fair enough-that particular girl has issues with attachment but I know lots of girls who kissed loads of people in the past and now they are in loving, happy relationships. Sometimes when your young-you do things without even thinking. And kissing doesnt count as being promiscious if she hasnt done anything else. To a lot of teenagers-kissing is the only thing they feel ready for so they do it a lot with a lot of people but thats where they draw the line. Sexual contact is different. All my friends thought I would be the first to lose my virginity coz I kissed more guys then them but I was actually the last and ive slept with way less than all of them.

[searock]

HdBadger is also right, some people are stomping on me because they don't like the idea of being rejected on the account of promiscuity. Too bad, so sad, but I'll tell you one thing - 99% of all people will accept a partner who is not promiscuous, but many people will reject one who is. And that's a fact. If you don't like it, too bad for you, but the truth is the truth.

Even if they were, it wouldn't mean they would be wrong. I'm also pretty sure that the reason we disagree is not the reason you think it is (it certainly isn't in my case). I've already pointed out that someone who likes to sleep around (or liked to sleep around in his/her past) would NOT want to be with someone who is going to be judgmental about it, so even if we were all promiscuous, why would we "not like" it? On the other hand, it would weed out judgmental pricks for us. It's a win-win.

And one day, when my partner asks me about my past sex life (she is entitled to it by the way - if you can't be honest about these things with the person you have chosen to be your life partner, then that's just sad), I won't be ashamed to tell her. Not to mention my future girlfriend will be that much happier to know how special she actually is (which she will be). However, I also want the same in return.

I do agree that honesty and trust are fundamental pillars for any good relationship. But why would anyone be ashamed to speak about their sexual past? There's nothing shameful in consensual sex. Again, if a potential partner were to judge me based solely on my sexual history, I would be happy to be able to weed him out asap, instead of embarking in a doomed-to-fail relationship with a judgmental prick that I would never get along with.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that you are entitled to having a "type" and wanting to date inexperienced girls only. That's perfectly fine. Have you updated your profile accordingly?

[KingZ]

I do agree that honesty and trust are fundamental pillars for any good relationship. But why would anyone be ashamed to speak about their sexual past? There's nothing shameful in consensual sex. Again, if a potential partner were to judge me based solely on my sexual history, I would be happy to be able to weed him out asap, instead of embarking in a doomed-to-fail relationship with a judgmental prick that I would never get along with.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that you are entitled to having a "type" and wanting to date inexperienced girls only. That's perfectly fine. Have you updated your profile accordingly?

I don't understand this. Why are you telling him that he's perfectly within his right to have a type, but then you get bitchy and call him judgmental?

It's important that people have compatible values. When it comes to physical intimacy, he values it highly, and wants a partner that also values it highly. Problem?

[searock]

I just don't like that he says that he's open minded and not judgmental, and then speaks as if he thinks that people that sleep around are morally inferior, lack integrity, are butthurt because people don't want them, and so on. If he just said that it's just something that he isn't comfortable with and would like a person that shares his view on the subject, I wouldn't call him judgmental.

It's like with the dating multiple persons at once thing. I personally don't like it, in that I wouldn't like to date a guy that was also dating other people during the same period of time, because I would feel disrespected and as if he wasn't serious about me. But I don't think that guys that do so lack integrity and self respect - I don't even think that they are disrespectful per se - and if I did think that, I wouldn't call myself open minded and not judgmental.

[KingZ]

I just don't like that he says that he's open minded and not judgmental, and then speaks as if he thinks that people that sleep around are morally inferior, lack integrity, are butthurt because people don't want them, and so on. If he just said that it's just something that he isn't comfortable with and would like a person that shares his view on the subject, I wouldn't call him judgmental.

It's like with the dating multiple persons at once thing. I personally don't like it, in that I wouldn't like to date a guy that was also dating other people during the same period of time, because I would feel disrespected and as if he wasn't serious about me. But I don't think that guys that do so lack integrity and self respect - I don't even think that they are disrespectful per se - and if I did think that, I wouldn't call myself open minded and not judgmental.

I understand your point, but I don't see why it matters. Let's use another example.

If someone who really likes classical music meets someone that really only listens to pop music, the former is perfectly within their right to say that the latter has no ear, is musically immature, and culturally deprived.

Whether or not he's correct doesn't matter. What matters is that he wants someone with the same values; the reasoning is irrelevant.

Further, I'd like to point out that you being upset over this makes you the butthurt one. So there.

[michelle23]

Why do you even care? Its not that big a deal. If you want me to say I am a judgemental prick coz I dont date guys who sleep around-then cool. I'm a judgemental prick lol. But honestly I dont care what people think or what others do. All I care about is having someone who shares my values, who I am compatible with, who I trust and feel safe with. I think thats what OP wants too.

Maybe its not a question of morals etc to some people but to others-it is. Treating people like toys is wrong IMO and its true we wouldn't have so many single moms, unplanned pregnancies, STD's etc if people had more respect for each other and were more careful who they choose to get naked with. All you need to do is watch a few episodes of jeremy kyle so to see how f**ked up and dysfunctional our society has become.

I mean you make it sound so cut and dry-"two consenting adults having casual no strings sex" but we all no its not that simple. At least one person always feels used or hurt, or end up holding the baby while he moves onto his next victim or end up regretting it and feeling like s**t about themselves after or sticking around hoping that the person using them will miraculously fall for them. We havnt seen one successful example of casual sex in the 3 years I have been on this forum where it really was all fine after.

Ive seen friends of mine hurt over and over again by empty promises and BS coz they thought sex would get them what they wanted. People have become dysfunctional and all this FWB, casual, ONS is proof of that.

there is nothing wrong with having standards, respecting your body enough-not to give just anyone access to it, respecting yourself enough to know you can do better than a quickie with a stranger and having enough respect for others-not to use them as a cum bucket

[searock]

Hah, I'm not really upset, I'm just mildly annoyed by his incongruent statements ("I'm not judgmental" vs "girls that sleep around lack integrity and self respect").

I would think the same thing about the classical music guy... he would be a judgmental prick if he inferred that someone is culturally deprived based solely on the fact that he only listens to pop music. He simply doesn't have enough data to be able to say that - just like OP cannot possibly know whether someone has integrity or not based solely on their sexual history. Unless he defines "integrity" as "not having slept with anyone outside of a relationship ever", which would be a very limiting definition (and an incorrect one).

[KingZ]

Right, I'm trying to understand why you're annoyed. If someone says something blatantly false—cliché example: "the sky is green"—would you be annoyed or just scoff at the stupidity?

You being mad makes me think you're coming from somewhere personal. Are you promiscuous? Have you been turned down by many men because they thought you were a slut?

[searock]

Why do you even care? Its not that big a deal. If you want me to say I am a judgemental prick coz I dont date guys who sleep around-then cool. I'm a judgemental prick lol.

Not at all, it's perfectly fine to want to date who we please. I probably wouldn't want to date a guy with a promiscuous past either, but at least I would get to know him before assigning moral characteristics to his personality that I couldn't possibly deduce based exclusively on his sexual past.

All I care about is having someone who shares my values, who I am compatible with, who I trust and feel safe with. I think thats what OP wants too.

We all agree on this :-).

Maybe its not a question of morals etc to some people but to others-it is. Treating people like toys is wrong IMO and its true we wouldn't have so many single moms, unplanned pregnancies, STD's etc if people had more respect for each other and were more careful who they choose to get naked with.

That is true. However, just because someone enjoys having casual sex with consenting adults (using protection so as to not get pregnant and spread diseases around) doesn't mean that they lack integrity or respect. This is what I disagree with, as for the rest it's all perfectly reasonable.

- - - Updated - - -

Right, I'm trying to understand why you're annoyed. If someone says something blatantly false—cliché example: "the sky is green"—would you be annoyed or just scoff at the stupidity?

I would scoff at the stupidity, but if someone said something blatantly false and other people started saying "Hey, he's right!", I would get annoyed and I would try to reason with them. Especially if the false thing that lots of people believe in is targeting another group of people.

[chinagirl]

I believe that it is inherent in human beings to be judgmental whether they are aware of doing it or not. In everybody's lifetime, we all judged someone one way or the other. Whether we meant to do it or not is another story.

Anyway, OP, you have every right to go out with the girl of your choosing if that's what makes you happy.

[michelle23]

Using protection is only a part of what I said sea-to prevent physical consequences. What about emotional, mental consequences? You cant serious believe that a person who does sleep around all over town is emotionally healthy.