Trouble with boyfriend and his ex

[FairyGurl]

Hello everyone,

There is a lot that I could write so I will try to summarize the situation the best I can. But as the title suggests, I am currently having problems regarding my boyfriend and his ex. To start, I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. I met him at my prom and he had a date with him although he's told me that they broke up a month before and he still took her because he promised her. However, they kissed several times throughout the night which confused me. When I first started talking to him, I did not think we would eventually form a relationship so I didn't mind the kissing because it was none of my business. But once we started getting more serious, I asked him and he told me that "she can get too friendly sometimes, that's just how she is" and that he didn't mind it since he was single at that time and he felt it was no harm since they were just friends. I decided to not worry too much about this at first but now, 8 months into our relationship, I've found out other things that have caused me to reconsider this.

Me and my boyfriend have been planning to go to the beach sometime this summer and he informed me that he had a friend who lived near the shore with her boyfriend. I thought it was nice of this friend to offer to drive us, especially since it would be about a two hour ride to get here and then 2 hours to get back to the beach so I asked him who it would be if we did go. He says to me, "oh, you know her." When he said this, I knew exactly who he was talking about. It was the ex from the prom because he told me that part of the reason they broke up was because she was moving away. Now, I don't necessarily think being friends with an ex is a bad thing (because it doesn't have to be) but I felt weird that he kept it from me all this time. When I talked to him, he told me that me didn't tell me all this time because he thought it would be "awkward" but admitted he should have been more straight about it earlier.

But where the problem comes in is that he tells me she REALLY wants to drive us because she wanted to hangout and she wants me, my boyfriend, her, and her boyfriend to all hang out and be friendly with each other. I reminded my boyfriend that the trip was supposed to be just us two and I asked him why we would all need to hang out together. The reason he gave me was that he hadn't seen her in a while and wanted to hang out with her but agreed that it was weird that she wanted me to be friendly with her and her boyfriend since I feel it's not really my business to be trying to be friends with a girl I barely know and her boyfriend. Plus my boyfriend says that the ex's boyfriend HATES him so I feel like it wouldn't be a good idea to have us spend a whole day at the beach together.

What feels wrong about this whole thing is how she didn't really seemed too interested in me at the prom but now says she thinks I'm a "nice person" and wants to get to know me more. Plus like I said before my boyfriend said that she can be "too friendly" sometimes which makes me weary. On top of this, I found out he went to hang out at her house when she visited here a few months ago. During that time, he told me he was going to see a "female friend" but never mentioned her name or who she was. When I asked him about this once I found out he said, "oh, sorry" as if it didn't matter much.

Lastly, I asked him why they decided to be friends after breaking up and he told me that it was because they were friends before they dated so they remained friends after. But he only knew her for like 5 months before the prom and they were messing around with each other most of that time plus the kissing at the prom makes me believe they didn't find closure so it wasn't like they were really close friends before they were intimate with each other. And the boyfriend she has now is an ex she got back with after leaving my boyfriend which makes me feel like it's possible she could be wanting to keep my boyfriend around for similar reasons.

There are other details I left out (such as facebook) but I think this should be enough. I just feel a little betrayed that he would keep meeting with her and talking with her a secret from me after our relationship starting getting more serious and that he would prefer to hang out with her and her boyfriend when it was supposed to be a trip for just us. And I'm also feeling a little weary about the ex. I wanted to know what everyone thinks. Am I worrying too much or do you think I should at least look out? Do I have a right to feel weird about her behavior and the fact that he's just bringing her up now?

Thanks!

[michelle23]

I know when your in the middle of a situation it can be hard to see whats right in front of your eyes but its obvious to me that he cheated on you. He went to see a "female friend" alone and you didn't ask any questions.. in 6years my bf has never done that and if he did-he would be dumped before he even walked out the door. You need to break up with this guy. You cant trust him and hes making a fool of you. Theres plenty of better men out there so dont waste any more time on this loser.

[FairyGurl]

Do you think that the ex's intention this whole time may have been to disturb our relationship in some way?

[michelle23]

I dont think you should worry about her intentions. Shes not the issue here. Your bf is. He got with you too soon after her and he has bounced back and forth using you both as a backup plan. You need to confront him, stand up to him and tell him you are done with his lies and shady s**t. Tell him its over and if he wants her so bad-go have her. Your going to find a man you can trust.

Dont let him manipulate you or lie anymore. He went to see his ex behind your back and lied about it. He was planning to cheat and if he didn't-its only because she said no.

You need to end this now and move on

[FairyGurl]

I agree with you after thinking about it. If it were really not that serious then he would have never felt the need to keep things secret. If he really can't move on then he can have her and deal with all her craziness. I don't want to be caught in the middle of crap at the end of the day. It's not even worth it

[michelle23]

I know your hurt but at least you found out now before wasting years on him. Ive been there. 8months in I found out my ex cheated. I dumped him and never looked back. Im now with an amazing man who I trust and love more than anything. You can do better

[Wakeup]

I agree with you after thinking about it. If it were really not that serious then he would have never felt the need to keep things secret. If he really can't move on then he can have her and deal with all her craziness. I don't want to be caught in the middle of crap at the end of the day. It's not even worth it

Keep this in mind for the next adventure in dating:

But as the title suggests, I am currently having problems regarding my boyfriend and his ex. To start, I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. I met him at my prom and he had a date with him although he's told me that they broke up a month before and he still took her because he promised her. However, they kissed several times throughout the night which confused me

If you think about it, that there should have been your clue to tell him to keep away from you and leave you alone because he obviously still has/had unfinished business with her. One of THE worst people you can get emotionally involved with is someone who hasn't completely severed ties with the last person they were romantically/sexually involved with.

Its a huge red flag when they're still sniffing around one another. Google "rebound relationship" as well... that will give you another good reason why you shouldn't have anything to do with someone who likes to start something before the last thing is finished.

[masticate]

One of THE worst people you can get emotionally involved with is someone who hasn't completely severed ties with the last person they were romantically/sexually involved with.

Its a huge red flag when they're still sniffing around one another. Google "rebound relationship" as well... that will give you another good reason why you shouldn't have anything to do with someone who likes to start something before the last thing is finished.

I would say this is an exceptionally good principle to follow as you navigate through life.

[smackie9]

The guy was sucking face with his ex at the prom.....what part of that said BF material to you?

[michelle23]

Shes only 19. She made a mistake, she will learn from it and be more cautious with the next man she chooses. Its all a learning process but after one knock-you gotta learn fast OP. Dont be so quick to trust and keep your eyes open for red flags. There were lots of red flags here from the start so next time pay attention to them

Good luck to you

[FairyGurl]

I agree with you michelle23. I've always felt I couldn't trust him the way I wanted from the start but assumed the relationship wouldn't go far. Once I realized this was not the case, I thought maybe the feeling would fade over time. I told myself over and over that things weren't right but I stupidly kept pushing it to the back of my mind. I'm really annoyed with myself for allowing myself to let things continue despite continuously telling myself to speak up. But this is my first relationship and I've learned alot along the way. I have trouble being assertive but I know next time I'm not putting up with stuff like this. It's not worth the headache when there are other potential guys waiting out there

[michelle23]

Well now is your time to be assertive. Did you break up with him yet? Dont beat yourself up about it. Its not your fault hes a lying ass! Just learn from it

[smackie9]

If it looks like a turd, smells like a turd, then it is a turd. Stay away from guys that display poor behavior, and don't expect to change them either....just walk.

[FairyGurl]

I probably won't be able to see him until a few days from now but once we're face to face, I'm going to let him know that he's lost my trust and is not worth my time if he wants to behave like this. Thank you everyone for your responses!

[michelle23]

If he wants to behave like this?? Hes been behaving this way for 8months.. jeez! Just dump him and move on. You dont even need to tell him hes dumped. The way he has disrespected you-is a good enough reason to just block him and let him figure it out himself its over