Did I do something wrong? What is normal?

[whyk43]

I don't know if I am to blame for the horrible ending that I had with the guy I was seeing today. I interpreted his behavior as not being into me at all, and that he was lying to me and stringing me along. But he says that he wasn't and that my claims are bogus. I haven't dated a lot and I don't know what's normal, so maybe I can tell you about how it was, and you guys can tell me??

1. He said he didn't want a committed relationship right now. Which was ok with me. I told him my expectations and he agreed to them. We were seeing each other, and he said he was seeing no one else besides me.
2. I only saw him once a week because he said he was too busy/didn't have enough money/lived too far away. We also both live with our family so none of us had our own place.
3. He never initiated calling me...he did text from time to time, but they conversation never went anywhere
4. He was nearly impossible to reach on the weekends, due to being busy. If I asked him to do something, he wouldn't get back to me for hours later, and it was usually a no.
5. Evertime he wanted to see me, it was last minute...like literally he would ask what are you doing now
6. I agreed to a sexual relationship with him...but we never had sex. Mostly because of him. He seemed content for me to give him oral. He never really initiated kissing, and sometimes he would forget to pleasure me.
7. He would return texts the next day, or sometimes would not answer them at all, and expected me to be ok with this
8. If I wanted to talk to him, it was nearly impossible. He was hard to reach by phone, and didn't respond well to long texts...it would be so frustrating just trying simply talk to him.
9. He never complimented me, told me what he enjoyed about me, he never made me feel wanted.
10. I would try to flirt with him, sending pics/sexts and he wouldn't respond very enthusiastically, or would respond hours later.
11. He would go out of town consistently without telling me he had left, and wouldn't mention when he was coming back
12. If we disagreed on something it was never a discussion, he would just stop talking to me and ignore any attempts for me to reconcile or apologize even if things weren't my fault. and Even when if I begged him to just reply and told him that he was hurting me by ignoring me and not saying anything at all. .


I know some of you guys would say that he wanted something casual and that I was trying to make it more than it was without him knowing. But I promise you that was not the case. He agreed to my expectations that we would only see each other, we would hang out and talk often, and that we were seeing each other exclusively sexually so we can be open and honest about it. I wasn't expecting anything more than what he agreed to, so please do not tell me I was looking for a serious relationship. I told him if my expectations were too high, or simply could not do it, he can just tell me and we could stop and be friends. But he always said that he wanted to do this with me. I would look at his actions and tell him I wanted to stop, but he would always say I was assuming too much and making him a bad guy when he wasn't. 'So I'd continuously go back. Is he right? Are these behaviors normal??

[basilandthyme]

Ending it was the right thing do to - he sounds like a total dud. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did. But what you did wrong was accusing him of lying and stringing you along.

Next time you have to end a relationship, just talk about it not meeting your needs. "I need a partner who's more proactive about contacting me", "I need a partner who includes me in his life". etc etc. There's no need to accuse a person of anything....unless you feel like you really want to drive them away and have them never contact you again. In which case, accusations certainly have their place.

Hope you hold your standards for a man higher in future

[TheEvilJester]

...Unless there is A LOT that you aren't telling us, then you did nothing wrong. Yes, he did say he wanted a casual relationship, but that doesn't mean it is okay for him to basically act like you don't exist/don't matter and only reach out when he felt like it.

That is not a casual relationship, that is using you. I'm so sorry that you felt otherwise, but I'm glad you came here to ask rather than just going about things assuming you may have been in the wrong. There is nothing wrong with having a casual relationship with somebody, but this was not even a casual relationship. He basically treated you like an option, and not a priority at all. Even in a casual relationship, there still needs to be some effort from both parties. He put forth none. You deserve better than that. Good luck. I hope someday soon you find it.

[whyk43]

I just don't understand why things happened this way. Why would someone string you along knowing clearly that's not what you want and that it would really hurt you. And really what's the point if I mean nothing to him. This has been very hard for me as I really cared about him and he just couldn't be upfront with me. It's hard not to let something like this make you think negatively of yourself...I'm just really trying to get over this

[KingZ]

Why would someone string you along knowing clearly that's not what you want and that it would really hurt you.

Men love free blowjobs.

[chinagirl]

Do not think negatively of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You did everything you can even if your relationship was only casual, and it's just unfortunate that this guy never reciprocated your effort.

The break up was probably the best and you don't want to have someone who is cold and uncaring. By the sound of your post, you need someone who makes you feel important, give you the attention that you deserved and sexually fulfill you, he does nothing to meet those needs. Your not compatible. Let it go and hold your head up high.

He may have inflicted you pain but don't let him take your pride.

[michelle23]

Okay guys sorry but cut the BS. OP he made it clear hes not romantically interested in you, it was obvious he only wanted one thing from you and you stuck around in the hope your sexual favours would change his mind. This makes you very naive and you let him use you.

You need to have more self respect and dont allow a guy to treat you this way. If you want someone to respect you then you dont offer blow jobs unless you know hes committed.

If a guy is into you he will take you out, talk to you daily-even just a few texts, he will introduce you to friends/family, invite you to his home etc etc

Honestly this guy sounds married-all the disappearing, not being able to contact, no effort, no sex (some men think its okay as long as he doesnt have intercourse which is obviously bull). You have been very naive and you need to open your eyes and see these red flags for what they are in the future

Stop letting men use and abuse you. Your worth more than that and you deserve a guy who is committed to you and only you! So go find one and forget about this piece of scum

[TheEvilJester]

I just don't understand why things happened this way. Why would someone string you along knowing clearly that's not what you want and that it would really hurt you. And really what's the point if I mean nothing to him. This has been very hard for me as I really cared about him and he just couldn't be upfront with me. It's hard not to let something like this make you think negatively of yourself...I'm just really trying to get over this

Because he's a piece of crap. Because he knew that, at least for a while, he could get what he wanted out of you without putting in any effort. And, honestly, a lot of people would fall for that for a little while, because you'd want to think somebody wouldn't do that. But, after a while, you need to realize when no effort is being displayed by the other party and realize that is not okay.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and cynical... I'm just not in a very good mood right now....

But there are a lot of scumbags in this world. There are a lot of self-centered, self-important bags of slime who seem to live just to use and hurt people for their own gain and them toss them off like garbage. Since it would be illegal to get rid of them, the best thing to do is just avoid them. This guy doesn't sound like he has very many redeeming qualities, so why do you even need somebody like that in your life? Dump him, take some time to become happy by yourself, then go find a guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Good luck, my friend.

[TablesandChairs]

Actions speak louder than words. For example, if someone tells you they're committed yet everything they do shows the opposite, then you have your answer. He acts like he's single most of the time, gives you about as much affection/attention as I give my shoes and the only time he wants to spend time with you is when it's last minute/has nothing better to do. On top of that, he's lousy in the sexual department so ask yourself: what are you getting out of this exactly? Because, even if this was a purely sexual thing, he'd still be under-performing. There are duds like this everyone, people who will string you along, take advantage of your better nature...but you're allowing it to take place based on a few lazy statements he makes simply to placate you and keep you in your place.

[whyk43]

Men love free blowjobs.

Even if they don't like you/aren't attracted to you? As I think that was the case...but what's the point if there is someone else he likes better and is spending his time with? Why not go to her?...why me? It's so confusing to me.

[KingZ]

Even if they don't like you/aren't attracted to you? As I think that was the case...but what's the point if there is someone else he likes better and is spending his time with? Why not go to her?...why me? It's so confusing to me.

You really don't understand the male mind. An orgasm is something a man needs, like food and water, so that he doesn't go insane and murder people. Some men fast—they go without food for some time—others go without orgasms for a while, but they're generally regarded as a little bit nutty.

He needs a way to get his orgasms in, somehow. Blowjobs are better than masturbation. The problem with having a real partner is that you have to reciprocate. A woman that will give head without demanding reciprocation? A dream come true! In fact, with an arrangement like this, a man will take it even if he's not even remotely attracted to her.

Unfortunately, that's all you were to him: a mouth; a sex toy he didn't have to pay for.

You need to grow a spine so that this doesn't happen again in the future.

Here's how a woman should handle this situation:

[TheEvilJester]

I know/assume there are exceptions to this rule. I hope to be, and strive to be one of them. But, the true fact of the matter is men are pigs. If they can get sex without putting in any effort, for most men that would be a no-brainer.

Personally, I've never been like most men. Sex is great, but it isn't the end-all, be-all of the world. To me, I'd rather not do anything sexual unless it is in a committed relationship with a girl for whom I truly care, who truly cares for me as well. But, I've learned that makes me the weirdo in this world. LOL! Hey... I'm okay with that.

Anyway, back to the point, he is a guy. So, no big surprise that he would use you like this if you'd let him. The trick is, don't let him. You deserve better.

[XyOh]

It sounds like ending the relationship was the right thing to do. All you have to do is re-read the list of behaviors and it's obvious that he wasn't meeting the desires you had for a healthy relationship.

[TablesandChairs]

You could spend a life time asking 'why' and contemplating the ins and outs of his behaviour. Ultimately, he's probably not that deep or complex. He got some blow jobs while putting in zero effort. He's a resourceful jerk that knows how to play women with low expectations.

If I were you, I'd say "well, I learned my lesson there" and then assess why my expectations were so low. I sure as hell wouldn't have even touched his penis with a toilet brush based on your description of how he treats you. Don't focus on "but it doesn't make sense" and "there must be more to it..." and "maybe he's just confused". All are bullcrap justifications that prevent you from closing this chapter. You're worth more than this, surely.