Giving Up Friends

[dahlia*]

Hi everyone. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 months now, and we are very happy together. Things are long distance at the moment, me being in CA, he in NV (which probably contributes to the issue I'm about to introduce, considering long distance relationships are NOT easy) but we plan on moving in together, or at least closer to each other, in a few months.

Our big issue at the moment has to do with friends. I basically have two close friends, and he doesn't like either of them. He thinks that they're a bad influence on me, and for good reason - because they have been in the past before we started dating. I completely understand his concern, and if I were in his position I'd feel the same way. I've asked him give up two of his close (albeit solely internet-based) friends because he had his own history with them, so now I feel like he thinks it's his turn. He wants me to have friends, just the right ones. I don't know what to do.

[lalalita]

Replying so you can hopefully post the rest of the story.

[dahlia*]

Thank you! It still won't allow me, so I did my best to summarize the original post. Basically, he wants me to give them up completely. My biggest issue with it is not feeling that it's healthy, even though I don't have a huge problem with it. I'm going to college soon, so most of my high school friendships are going to be replaced with more positives ones, I'm hoping, but for the time being, my only "friends" are going to be him & my family. He has other people in his life, while I have no one. Solitude doesn't bother me, but I still don't want to be alone! I just don't feel that it's completely normal & am looking for some insight & advice.

[lalalita]

Are the friends he's worried about males or females? What exactly does he not like about them? What did you not like about his?

[dahlia*]

They are females, but the fact that I have dated women in the past puts them on the same threat level as males to him. He doesn't like that they've drank & have encouraged me to do so. I had a problem with his because he had a romantic history with both of them, & I do not feel it is right to continue friendships with people you have that sort of history with once in a relationship. It makes me very uncomfortable. Not to mention, he didn't even tell me until I mentioned that those sorts of relationships bother me.

[Wakeup]

He doesn't have the same relationship boundaries for himself that he wants you to have. That is a huge red flag and I think at the four month mark of dating you'd be very unwise to move anywhere "in" with this man. Take your time to see how you are incompatible in other areas, how controlling he actually is and if he's abusive and just simply trying to isolate you from your friends and family.

Nothing good can come of you jumping into something with someone you don't even know. In a long distance relationship of only 4 months just how few hours have you actually spent in his company getting to know the real him?

[lalalita]

Well, I definitely do agree with you that remaining friends with past romantic interests is way out of line in terms of what I look for in a mate. I, personally, would have had that discussion before entering a relationship, and if I found out that his two closest friends were female past flings, I would have stopped the progression of the relationship right there. No "making him stop being friends with them". A person can be friends with whoever they way, but if I don't like it and it doesn't agree with my morals, I don't have to be with them.

It's hard to say whether he's just trying to have you make the same changes he had to make for a power play, or whether he has you best interest at heart. You said yourself they're not the best influences on you, but like I said above, you can't "make" a person do anything. This is a bit of sticky situation, because he (apparently) stopped talking to people for you. If you don't do the same for him, it's going to create problems.

[FBJ]

Moving in after 4 months?

[ClaireH]

Moving in together now may be a bit too soon! Although having past relationship persons as friends is not too uncommon, if it makes you uncomfortable, its your prerogative. However, if you asked him to give his friends up, its not fair that you won't. i'm certainly NOT saying give your friends up for him, but maybe understand that he had to give up his friends for you. Is there a way you could compromise on his friends? If so, he would have to be ok with yours.

[michelle23]

I agree with you that staying friends with past romantic partners is a deal breaker. But your bf is showing some very big red flags. He cant tell you to ditch your friends just because they have drank some alcohol.. what teenager hasn't? He is coming across as controlling and moving away from all your family/friends to be with this guy could completely isolate you and then if he is abusive (which controlling people normally are) you have noone to turn to.

My advice on long distant relationships? Dont go there to begin with. Find someone close to home that you dont have to give up your family, friends, hobbies, work, study in order to be with. There are just too many sacrifices to make with long distance and there is also a danger that he wants you isolated and alone just so he can abuse, manipulate and control you. He is already asking you to give up your too closest friends. I think you should dump him, go to college, enjoy being young and meet a nice young man in college

[TheEvilJester]

I would ask you for more details, but this forum recently imposed a ridiculous character limit that will probably see a lot of people just stop posting. But, time will tell.

Anyway, I suppose my feelings on the matter depend on WHY in particular he wants you to stop being friends with them. I mean, if he had legit reasons like they hate him for some reason (unless they are good reasons, in which case that is his burden to prove them wrong), or they are druggies who drag you into their drama, I could see that. Or say if they are nasty friends who more often just make you feel like crap, I could see him not wanting to just sit back and watch you let them treat you poorly. But, if he doesn't really have specific legit reasons for not liking them, then it is none of his business who you keep as friends.