Guilt over wanting to leave my bipolar girlfriend, so I can be happy myself.

[Sundowner]

Hey guys, just signed up here and looked over a couple threads and you all sound like a helpful and friendly bunch, so maybe you might be able to give a clueless 19 year old lad some direction? Yeah, I'm 19, but was reluctant to post this in the teens section as this deals with some sorta sensitive things, things that I'd like more of an adult opinion on, if that's okay? Also, sorry if this seems like a bit of an essay, but I've had no one to really talk to about this, so it's getting quite a weight off my mind. Anyways...

I (19M) have been with my girlfriend (19F) for about a year and a half now. I've reached a point in the relationship where I can't help but wonder if we have a serious future together and it's something that's been really troubling me. Thing is, I love her to pieces, but the relationship itself isn't brilliant. Here's what seems to be the cause. She has a fair number of mental health issues. She's diagnosed bipolar, has crippling anxiety issues and more. I don't mean to sound nasty, but it really is a shopping list of problems, it seems like there's a new thing each week and it's quite hard for me to keep on top of and try to help her with. Some of the conditions are worsening, namely her anxiety, which has gotten to the point where she is afraid to leave the house by herself, which makes things quite difficult for us to see each other, as I live a good couple of hours away at university. Before, she would come and visit and I'd pay for her travel money. But as her illness has worsened and she can't leave her own home, we would rarely be able to see one another, with her unable to travel by herself to my university and me simply unable to travel to her due to my busy uni schedule. She has a terrible fear of failure, she doesn't participate in anything because she's scared of being bad at it, which limits many things we would otherwise do together. She never sticks to any form of education or job because she's afraid of failing at it. So she sits at home all day, either waiting for her mother to come home from work, or for me to go on Skype, so she has someone to talk to/something to do. There's also all the bipolar mood swings and such, but you get the idea, the mental health causes a lot of strain on the relationship. It's really hard for me to envision a future with a girl who just can't be self sufficient. I don't think I have it in me to fully support her (monetarily) by myself. I hate myself for thinking like that, because it's not her fault, it's not like she chose to have an illness. My mother has said several times already that I feel like she's my responsibility too much. Her parents don't do enough to help anyway in my opinion, but apparently the responsibility of her wellbeing is with them. So I can justify breaking up with her in my head, as it'd be me putting myself first, which is something I apparently need to do more often. But I can't help but feel I'd just be abandoning her in an even worse state that she's in now, with one less major person in her life to support her. I may be overestimating my importance, but I don't want her doing something stupid to herself in one of her depressed phases, likely brought on by me breaking up with her.

(Sorry if that was a lot of medical talk and not necessarily relationship talk, but hold on...)

So in short, I sort of want to break up with her, for the sake of my own happiness. I've endured a lot of her problems and it's wearing me down, along with the relationship itself. But if I leave her, she'll likely be in an even worse position than before and I'd feel horrendous for leaving her like that, effectively for reasons out of her control. Oh, but that ain't all. This is a double-edged sword of a problem, as I'll explain.

Enter one of my best friends and his ex. Both me and my friend met this ex at the same time, through school. And I suppose as friends with a lot in common would, we both became romantically interested in her at the same time. Long story short, he made his feelings known quicker than I did, so he "got the girl." I never have shared that I once had feelings for her, as I wouldn't want to jeopardise my friends relationship with her, as well as the fact that a couple of weeks after they got together, I met my current girlfriend, the girl mentioned above. So, as both me and my friends relationships progressed, the feelings I had for his lady dwindled away. They've been going out on and off for around 18 months, until last month, they called it off for good. I spoke to him after, he said that he realised they just can't be together, even though he still has feelings for her. Fine, right?

So, I've come back from uni for a couple months after my exam period to my hometown, where all these people live, except my GF, who's about an hour away on the bus. Sorta through chance and sorta through her being one of the few school friends I still had contact with, I've been spending a lot of time with my friends ex. Like, almost every day, for a fair while. There's no two ways about it, the old feelings I once felt for her have been returning steadily. I probably shouldn't be spending as much time with her if that's the case, but my willpower is terrible because I enjoy spending time with her so much. We've been hitting it off really well (I think, at least), I really friggin' like her. She's been dropping hints since I've been back about a guy she's really into, but can't be with because he has a girlfriend, that he was having trouble with, but remained with nonetheless. She also said that I know them, so she won't tell me their name because it'd be embarrassing or whatever. Simply put, of the people that we both have contact with, there isn't really anyone that fits that bill, except...well, me. But, I don't know for sure and for all I know, that could just be my brain being subconciously hopeful that it is me. Then there's also my friend, I don't want to alienate him by trying to get with his ex too soon after their breakup. I know I could have said that basically, I have feelings for her and she's possibly showing signs of having feelings for me, but hopefully the added detail lets you get an idea of why I'm so confused about the whole thing.

What's a guy to do here? Part of me wants to end the stressful, seemingly future-less relationship with my current girlfriend for hopes of maybe having a simpler, less stressful relationship where I put myself first with my friends ex who seems to be into me. But, what if I was wrong? I'd leave my girlfriend, who needs support with her illness, effectively for nothing, if I'm wrong about the assumption of my friend's ex being interested in me. It seems a bit awkward to me to approach my friends ex about whether she likes me while I'm still in a relationship.

Honestly, I've never had quite such a romantic predicament as this. Hopefully it wasn't too long and rambly, I hope it made sense and any help would be infinitely appreciated.

[gallifrey]

I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and as you put it "a shopping list" of other problems too, so here's my 2 cents:

First off, when you're a mental wreck with more issues than Vogue, you definitely need someone in your life to support you. That being said, this someone doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend.
How's her relationship with her mother? Does she have close friends? Is she seeing a therapist? She really should be seeing a therapist, trust me, medication makes a huuuge difference.

I'm pretty sure you're not the only one who's unhappy with the relationship. Imagine how she must be feeling... desperately wanting to spend time with you because you're her anchor, but simply not able to, since her mind won't let her.
The fact that it's a long-distance relationship isn't exactly making things easier. I mean, she could move somewhere closer to your university. But still, you're probably pretty busy studying, and she'd be stuck in a place where she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. (Not to mention that thing with your new girl.) So that's not really an option.

Sometimes you just need to put yourself first. That goes for you, and for her. This isn't working, and both of you know it. Aside from her problems, you seem to be getting along pretty well though, so I guess you could stay friends (at least for a while). Less stress and responsibility for you; and she won't lose you completely/immediately.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to break it off, and don't blame yourself. Just don't rush it. Talk to her about it, be there for her, maybe even try to help her find someone else she can count on (friends? therapist?).

[TablesandChairs]

Well, do you want to break up with her because it's too much or do you want to break up with her because you want to root someone else? Essentially, both are good reasons to break up with someone but you should be clear on it. Don't make it out like it's all her fault; people grow apart all the time but there IS another woman involved here so you need to take responsibility; you're already cheating, emotionally and intent-wise.

Mental illness or not, women can sense this a mile off and it'll only make it worse for her. So, be honest and be gentle. She's too much of a handful and you've grown attracted to someone else. These things happen. Is she getting professional help? If not, she should be - reinforce this. There's no easy way to break up with someone, especially when that someone relies on your heavily as their main source of companionship...but staying in a relationship you no longer want to be in is bad for you and bad for her.

[lalalita]

I agree with all the points touched on already, but I have to lean more towards you're making an excuse to justify leaving the relationship for another women by blaming your girlfriend's mental health problems.

You want to be with the girl who you couldn't have. Plain and simple. I bet even if your girlfriend's problem's weren't there, you would still be wanting to leave her for this other girl.

Man up.

[TheEvilJester]

As far as it goes with the other girl, I would pump the breaks on that just a bit. Remain friends for now, but I wouldn't take it any further just yet. She just got out of a relationship (with your friend, no less) and you are still currently in one. That is certainly no way to start a new relationship. If the two of you do get together, you both need some time to heal and be your own people first before you jump into another relationship.

As for your current girlfriend, you should NOT feel in the least bit bad for wanting out of a situation like that. True, it is not her fault that she has all these anxiety problems, bipolar, etc. Still, it's not YOUR fault either, and if her inability to be happy is ruining your ability to be happy, then you certainly do not deserve that.

Let me ask you this.... is she doing anything to try to get help and make it better? That makes a big difference as well. If she is at least trying to get help, then there is something to be said for trying to help her do that, and giving her a chance. That still doesn't automatically mean you should stay with her, but it would at least be one tick in that column of the argument.

I specifically ask this, though, because I was in a very similar situation, but my ex flat out refused to do anything to get any help. She just gave up and expected everybody to deal with it. What was about a million times worse is that she hid a lot of this from me for a long time in the relationship, so it wasn't like we got together with me knowing all this. It got to the point where I could never be happy because she was never happy. She could have everything anybody could ever want and still never be happy. I just lived my life waiting for what was going to be the next ridiculously trivial thing to get her so upset she could no longer function. Happiness felt fleeting, because any time I actually got to be happy, I knew it was just a matter of time until she ruined it for me again.

All of that would have been bearable if she at least made some effort to get help. It also doesn't help that she didn't appreciate me in the least, or anybody in her life for that matter. Gets hard to be supportive of somebody when they just treat you like crap for it.

Bottom line, you deserve to be happy. Don't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of somebody else. True, it might make her even more down for a while, but A) she will eventually get over it and B) that isn't your problem.

Good luck, my friend. I most certainly know how you feel as I have been through a very similar situation.

[woody]

Bottom line. It does not matter wether or not this new girl is interested in you or not (though it seems she may well be); you must amicably end things with your present lady first. It does not sound healthy. I understand you feel obliged to make sure she's alright, taking her meds and doing what she ought do; but you are young and not her care taker.
You take a great risk of potential devastating heart ache and agony if you stay with one who is mentally unstable and I'm sorry if I sound harsh.
I stayed, years ago; then they took their own life and it took me 12 years to get over the guilt associated with every aspect of it. Pi Polar ism is not an easy battle. I thought I could save this person. I could not. It nearly did me in.

You must do what you know is right. Be gentle, swift and leave no room for misinterpretation; give the girl closure that allows both of you to move on. My advice seems harsh I know. Yet the dichotomy and battle within your present GF is something she and her family must deal with together. You are too young to be wrapped up in such and setting yourself free does not make you a bad person.

Having an affair however, well, that would be a bad move.
Breaking up with someone who is fragile is a delicate thing to do but you sound clever and I imagine your approach will be ginger.
So go, free yourself.

good luck