My boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008. Is this a problem?

[Joyeuz]

As the title says - my boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008.

I am 9 years older than him (he is 31) and I am employed. Years ago I agreed to allow my boyfriend to live rent free with me but he spends his savings - he saved thousands from a job working in a private members club in a large city - on food and clothes. He lives extremely frugally) because I wanted him to explore his creative urges and be free to write. I used to want to be a writer when I was younger and my parents pushed me to work early on and I feel I squandered any talent I had by not working on it. I didn't want the same for him. I know he cares for me, but he has told me that he doesn't love me. He had a difficult break up in 2006 with a woman he loved but who treated him unfairly. They spoke on the internet for years and then she stopped talking to him. He had fallen in love with her and he waited until she finally visited him. She decided not to pursue the relationship and it generated anxiety in him. He was a broken man when I met him, but I valued his ethics and morals very much.
My problem now is - he hasn't worked since 2008 and he is obviously not happy. He has spoken of wanting to commit suicide. He does not want to return to work. I am waiting hoping that he will one day love me as I have loved and supported him, but I am not confident that he will ever return to work. I have never asked for any contributions for rent from him, but my friends have told me that the relationship is unbalanced for this reason and that he needs to work. I don't know what to do about this situation, or what to say to him. I fear that I will lose him if I ask him to contribute to paying rent. He will leave me and I don't want him to. What do you think I should do to make the situation more healthy? Can anyone help me?
I need to add something. - In 2010 I disclosed sexual aspects of my relationship to a male friend of mine - an ex lover. - This ex told me that he fantasized about us. I crossed boundaries and I realize this now, but when I did this I was numb to this and did not recognize it.

My boyfriend found out when he said he felt jealous and asked to check logs of our conversations. He told me he would leave me if I didn't show him.
My boyfriend was very upset as a result and we have never been able to regain his trust. In addition he has been asking for something from me and I don't know how to give it to him: he says I don't give enough of myself to him emotionally.
Because he has felt alienated in our relationship, on two occasions I said that I would accept him having a relationship with another woman so long as he stayed safe (STIs). He said he did it to provoke me into reacting and giving more to him emotionally. I did not want to lose him so I agreed.

We have discussed breaking up before and he has told me that he would like to continuing living with me as it is difficult to find a roommate he can trust. He would pay rent in this case. I am not sure that this is a good idea.

What is a man's perspective on all of this?

[michelle23]

You don't need a man's perspective

You are co-dependent. Your relationship is dysfunctional and you are settling for second best as well as allowing him to treat you as second best because you either have a fear of being alone or think you can't/wont do any better

My adivce-research co-dependency and get help with it. Find the strength to end this, ask him to leave, cut contact with him and get over him

Set your standards higher and find someone you don't need to change, fix or share with another woman. I can't believe you agreed to that! Are you also seeing other men? I hope you are

No matter the dynamic of a relationship-it should be equal and you should both be happy.

- - - Updated - - -

Ill just add-if you are too scared or insecure to leave, then start seeing other people while he finds a new girlfriend. It may show you what a real man is and help you leave

[Exeter19]

why are you supporting a man who has told you he does not love you, he is basically using you as a substitute mother where you take care of all his needs that is why he doesn't work. let him move in with his family - you need to stop supporting him he wasn't jealous of you and that other man he was scared you'd push him out and all his freebies would be gone and that other guy would get it all, to be jealous you need to love someone he told you he doesn't. Damn and you even let him f uck others - man no wonder this guy can't be shaken. you need to cut him loose tell his family he is suicidal and let them take over from now on.

[lost_man]

I didn't read past the title. Yes it's a problem. Move on.

[dem862]

The guy is a loser. Why can't you find a real man?

[Leialoha1975]

Sometimes it's better to be alone. Living alone... taking care of yourself. Get rid of him, he's taking you down with him. He is suicidal? That's a HUGE "take care of me "flag!

[johny1989]

I haven't read your post completely, but I think its time to move on. I have a one question for you, you said he hasn't work since 2008 so then why are you supporting him, I think its almost 6 years. I think you have to move on now dear, just think about your future because with this guy you have no future so think about it..

[woody]

Good Golly Woman, what are you doing? I mean, ok ok, I get you wish to help him but hey hey now, there comes a time you've just got to pick up the pieces and drop this guy. FOR YOU!!! What on EArth are you hoping to accomplish? Accomplish his love? Save him? At what cost?

Hey, it won't be easy moving on. Once a person becomes a victim there is a sad tendency to get stuck in the pattern. So re gain your self worth; remember who you are and what you have to offer and for goodness sake, don't allow him to grab you back with false notions. Be strong. Be FEIRCE and MOVE ON. Stick to your guns and get this person out of your life.
It is NOT your responsibility to save him. He's the only one who can do that. and I think you know it or else you wouldn't be here sharing and asking for advice so you already know what needs to be done.

You can do this. Don't be afraid. There's a whole World outside waiting for you.

[fearoflove]

why are you supporting a man who has told you he does not love you, he is basically using you as a substitute mother where you take care of all his needs that is why he doesn't work. let him move in with his family - you need to stop supporting him he wasn't jealous of you and that other man he was scared you'd push him out and all his freebies would be gone and that other guy would get it all, to be jealous you need to love someone he told you he doesn't. Damn and you even let him f uck others - man no wonder this guy can't be shaken. you need to cut him loose tell his family he is suicidal and let them take over from now on.

+1

OP, stop acting like his mother.

[asellus]

odd situation, but my cousin Jenny was in the same - her ex-husband one day just stopped do anything - he left his work, didn't do any housework, he didn't talk with her most of the time he spent on facebook.com or originclub.com you know what I mean... She suffered for yaer but then they divorced - he is living with his new wife and almost happy I don't know reasons of what happened.

[Haniel Dollis]

The guy is a PARASITE, emotionally and financially to you. Throw him out, he has depended on you too long. You deserve bette. Let us know what you are going to do, or what action you have taken. If you dont want to speak to him face to face, then do something indirectly like change the locks, so he cant get in. Leave his stuff outside and he may hang around for a while but eventually he will go. Being a parasite he will find someone else to latch onto until he grows up. Good luck