Poll re whether to call friend if you suspect his wife is cheating

[Hermosa]

Because I got no replies to my other post, I will try a poll. Would you call your friend and tell him what you saw in this situation?

My 2 very good longtime friends saw my wife at a bar 50 miles from my house with a guy, turns out he is gay and she was there with a group of others but my friends did not know this. When they saw her she seemed to them a bit shocked and she said the guy was her "sponsor", which they also found odd because she is not in AA. She left quickly after talking to them and they did not see her again. They were not sure what to do but decided to call me because the situation seemed very unusual. They told me they did not want to cause problems or accuse her of cheating but they felt they should tell me what they saw.

I later confronted her and told her I suspected she was cheating because she at first refused to tell me where she had been and we had been fighting the last 3 days. I later accepted her explanation and told her I did not think she was cheating. (She has falsely accused me of cheating at least 50 times in the past and I have almost never accused her)

She is now very upset with my friends because she thinks they accused her or insinuated she was cheating. She is upset with me because she says I am not loyal to her, and says I must choose between her and my 2 friends. I already told them she was not cheating and am not sure what else I can or should do.

The question is whether my friends were wrong to call me.

[bessieb]

Hi Hermosa

No your fiends are not wrong for ringing you, they saw something they thought you needed to know and told you. What you did with the information after that is your business. I would want my friends to do exactly the same and would thank them for having my back in what seems to be a questionable situation.

Your wife's story doesn't seem to add up and asking you to choose between her and your friends is unreasonable and maybe a smokescreen to deflect your attention from her to your friends.

[mylady]

No, they are not wrong.

Your wife is a bit suspicious thought- If the guy is gay, why was acting funny and not telling you where she was. Is the gay guy the same guy who they saw her with. Hmmmm- sounds fishy.

I wish you well.

[TablesandChairs]

I'll tell you the obvious: she claims she was with a gay colleague. No issues there. Except she told your friends she was out with her sponsor, despite not being an alcoholic. As her husband, you would probably know if she was. Clearly, she was put on the spot and came out with the first lie that popped into her head. Your friends thought 'Hmm this seems suspicious' so they informed you. They did nothing wrong and are good friends.

But clearly you've got some marital problems that probably don't begin or end with the above situation. She accuses you of cheating a lot. Not a good sign, might suggest she's pinning her guilt onto you. I wouldn't sit back and let her try to distract from the real problem by making you choose sides; that's irrelevant. What's relevant is the bullshit story she made up...and why.

[Leialoha1975]

I just responded to your first post. And now I took your poll... I would tell my friend. Perhaps you should really read these responses from the forum members because it's all leading in the same advice direction. I'm not calling your wife a liar, she's just not telling the truth.

[Hermosa]

Thanks for the replies. I do know that my wife was not lying and never really thought she was. I overheard on the phone with a friend when she did not know I had come in to the house to pick up something, she was telling him how she was thee with a gay friend and was falsely accused of cheating. That is really not the issue, like I said I think I had reason to question her especially when she questions me all the time and I never do. But I do believe her.

The issue is that she has now for a week been so upset with me and can't let go the fact that my friends called me and I have not asked them to apologize, basically saying we should not be together because I am not loyal, she is not happy. (then the next day will say how much she loves me and wants to stay together) My issue is she becomes enraged as she did that night, yells and throws things like her phone at me, swings at me etc. She apologizes but then goes right back to talking about how wrong I am etc. I just don't see what they did wrong or why I should demand they apologize.

[somehelp4me]

I'd do the same as your friends and call and tell you what I saw, I wouldn't tell you she is cheating on you, that isn't my place, I would only tell you all I saw and let you draw your own conclusions and then confront your wife.
I'm sure her friends would do the same for her, and she'd appreciate them for it so why is she po'd at your friends?

[Hermosa]

When they called they never said they thought she was cheating, just that it was very strange and the didn't know wha to do and did not want to cause problems but decided they should just tell me so I would know.

[Leialoha1975]

She throws things at you? And swings at you? One day goes off on you and then she loves you? Wow. You have bigger problems than you think. Think about this... If your friends told you they were treated the same way you are now by their "wife" because of what happened, what would your reaction be to them? If it was me, my friends would tell me to end it. And I sure as hell would listen. No one no matter what the situation would ever get away with even raising their hand at me and I sure as hell would never stay will anyone like that.
So, it's your choice because it's all up to you. Your friends did the right thing.

[somehelp4me]

When they called they never said they thought she was cheating, just that it was very strange and the didn't know wha to do and did not want to cause problems but decided they should just tell me so I would know.

Yeah they are good friends imo, has she come clean about this yet?